aka: the Uncomfortable
I am not very good at being uncomfortable. When the waters are murky is would be best to sit still and let the water clear. But I can’t sit still. I thrash about, I flail my arms and shift my weight and try to force the water to clear. I know when I’m doing it that I won’t get any answers until there are clear answers to have. I can’t stand being uncomfortable, I can’t stand not knowing! I can recognize that I am just thrashing around and not getting myself to the answers any faster.
I need to learn to sit still in the unknown murky water. I need to breathe and trust that the next breath will come. I need to have faith, not faith that something outside of myself will give me the answers I want, but faith that the water will clear and that because of something within myself I will be ok with whatever the answer is.
When I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, nothing is changing and life is predictable. I feel that way before ovulation. Safe and comfortable because I know that I am not pregnant and my life is not changing. Nothing is lettting me down because nothing has happened yet. Even though what I really want, more than anything, is to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I feel best before ovulation. When nothing is happening and everything is known. As soon as that egg releases, the waters cloud and I flail in the unknown. Did I have sex enough, is the egg healthy, is the sperm healthy, is my temperature changing enough, is anything enough?!
What stands between safe and a new life, is two weeks of the unknown. Two weeks of murky water and being uncomfortable. I can say no, I can stay where I “know” and I am safe, where I have no baby. Or I can get in the muck.
befriending my ovaries 
What is unknown is so hard, but I guess it is what also makes the journey so interesting. If we had a crystal ball and could see into the future, would we really want to use it? I have thought about it and there are times (like now) where I do want to take a peak, but then other times where I am content to sit back and wait for everything to unfold. I’ll be here cheering you on through your 2ww (and beyond!). I am hoping and praying for a positive test for you at the end of it.
(P.S. your comments are still not coming through for me and I think I lost one completely…not sure what is up with Google!!)
Thank you. I don’t know what is up with the comments. Hopefully it will get sorted out but know that I am cheering you on and not ignoring you.
Ah, I hate the muck, too. I can’t really extract myself from it, but it is pervasive throughout my entire life! I hope these two weeks pass swiftly for you and end with amazing news!
The muck is the worst. Agreed.
When I found out I had to have IVF I thought it was going to be awful – but honestly hands down, going through injection after injection & weird vajajay procedures was way better than the sitting around and wondering ever was.
This is a very apt way of describing the dreaded 2ww. Wishing you the peace to sit still in the murk this time around (and wishing also that this is the last time you’ll have to).