aka: the Uncomfortable
I am not very good at being uncomfortable. When the waters are murky is would be best to sit still and let the water clear. But I can’t sit still. I thrash about, I flail my arms and shift my weight and try to force the water to clear. I know when I’m doing it that I won’t get any answers until there are clear answers to have. I can’t stand being uncomfortable, I can’t stand not knowing! I can recognize that I am just thrashing around and not getting myself to the answers any faster.
I need to learn to sit still in the unknown murky water. I need to breathe and trust that the next breath will come. I need to have faith, not faith that something outside of myself will give me the answers I want, but faith that the water will clear and that because of something within myself I will be ok with whatever the answer is.
When I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, nothing is changing and life is predictable. I feel that way before ovulation. Safe and comfortable because I know that I am not pregnant and my life is not changing. Nothing is lettting me down because nothing has happened yet. Even though what I really want, more than anything, is to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I feel best before ovulation. When nothing is happening and everything is known. As soon as that egg releases, the waters cloud and I flail in the unknown. Did I have sex enough, is the egg healthy, is the sperm healthy, is my temperature changing enough, is anything enough?!
What stands between safe and a new life, is two weeks of the unknown. Two weeks of murky water and being uncomfortable. I can say no, I can stay where I “know” and I am safe, where I have no baby. Or I can get in the muck.