The Unknown

aka: the Uncomfortable

I am not very good at being uncomfortable.  When the waters are murky is would be best to sit still and let the water clear.  But I can’t sit still.  I thrash about, I flail my arms and shift my weight and try to force the water to clear.  I know when I’m doing it that I won’t get any answers until there are clear answers to have.  I can’t stand being uncomfortable, I can’t stand not knowing!  I can recognize that I am just thrashing around and not getting myself to the answers any faster. 

I need to learn to sit still in the unknown murky water.  I need to breathe and trust that the next breath will come.  I need to have faith, not faith that something outside of myself will give me the answers I want, but faith that the water will clear and that because of something within myself  I will be ok with whatever the answer is. 

When I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, nothing is changing and life is predictable.  I feel that way before ovulation.  Safe and comfortable because I know that I am not pregnant and my life is not changing.  Nothing is lettting me down because nothing has happened yet.  Even though what I really want, more than anything, is to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I feel best before ovulation.  When nothing is happening and everything is known.  As soon as that egg releases, the waters cloud and I flail in the unknown.  Did I have sex enough, is the egg healthy, is the sperm healthy, is my temperature changing enough, is anything enough?! 

What stands between safe and a new life, is two weeks of the unknown.  Two weeks of murky water and being uncomfortable.  I can say no, I can stay where I “know” and I am safe, where I have no baby.  Or I can get in the muck.

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5 thoughts on “The Unknown

  1. What is unknown is so hard, but I guess it is what also makes the journey so interesting. If we had a crystal ball and could see into the future, would we really want to use it? I have thought about it and there are times (like now) where I do want to take a peak, but then other times where I am content to sit back and wait for everything to unfold. I’ll be here cheering you on through your 2ww (and beyond!). I am hoping and praying for a positive test for you at the end of it.

    (P.S. your comments are still not coming through for me and I think I lost one completely…not sure what is up with Google!!)

  2. Ah, I hate the muck, too. I can’t really extract myself from it, but it is pervasive throughout my entire life! I hope these two weeks pass swiftly for you and end with amazing news!

  3. The muck is the worst. Agreed.

    When I found out I had to have IVF I thought it was going to be awful – but honestly hands down, going through injection after injection & weird vajajay procedures was way better than the sitting around and wondering ever was.

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