Happy 12/12/12

Hello.   I had my NT scan on Monday and I am just now getting around to posting about it.  It has been a hectic couple of days people.

But the scan was fun and wonderful.  Baby looks great.  Head, body, two arms, two legs, just about all we can hope for at this point.  The NT measurements looked good.  About 1.3 or 1.4 so I was happy about that but I wasn’t worried since the results of our MaterniT21 test were so good.

I realize that this scan is redundant but we really just wanted a chance to look at baby and see for ourselves that everything looked ok.  And it looked great.  That little flicker of the heart on the screen made our hearts flutter as well.  We even got a few waves.

She thought maybe I was a week further along than we thought but I don’t know, I’m more than fairly certain I know exactly the moment this baby was conceived.  Or at least the exact day the egg was dropped.  The doctor said once she had had a chance to look though everything she would decide if we were going to change my dating or not but was fairly trusting that I knew my ovulation better than most.

Other than that I am just feeling so much better.  I feel better physically and mentally.  Why is it that the hardest trimester sick wise is also the most nerve wracking?  With every passing week I grow more confident that this baby will stick around and actually don’t even think about miscarriage at all any more.  And these tests are actually helping me to feel better that this baby is very healthy.  I feel very good about teh chances of being parents in June.

I have more energy too and more motivation to get things going in life and work.  Thank goodness!!  I didn’t know what to think of my unmotivated self.  It was very unusual for me.

Trimester two has me feeling like I am back!  I am full of love and excitement and gratitude just like I am supposed to be.

(PS I’ll post the ultrasound pictures tonight or tomorrow morning.  I forgot to bring them to work with me and they are resting proudly on our refrigerator at home)

Advertisements

Now I can breathe and sleep

So it did take awhile and it was like pulling teeth, but, the doctor finally called me last night at 7:30.  I have to give her some credit for calling me after hours and not waiting until this morning or making her nurse do it.

The results are…..Negative!  Negative for Trisomy 21, 18 , and 13.     So I should get my happy healthy baby in June!  I am so relieved.

I wasn’t sure if it would make me feel better enough but it does.  And I can’t wait to see this little nugget at our ultrasound on Monday!

friendship makes honesty harder

This post at My Life is About the Journey really hit me. I echo the sentiment 100%.   This one at Stupid Stork touched on similar things as well.

I started comments in response to both of their blogs but they got long enough I thought I would just weigh in here with my own thoughts on this pregnant infertile issue.

One of the reasons that I started blogging was that I had a story of infertility and loss and I didn’t feel like I had a place in my life to share that story in it’s un-watered down truth.  In sharing with friends and family I was always using filters and leaving out certain details or certain feelings I was having about those details.  I was doing this because I know these people, I know that some things that were my truth would hurt their feelings.  And I thought they would judge me for parts of my truth and that would hurt my feelings.  This is why I say that friendship makes honesty harder.  Knowing someone and caring about them lends to wanting to protect them and yourself.

With a blog I could put it all out there.  I could be completely honest.  This felt safe because I was writing anonymously and complete strangers were reading my words.  I kept an electronic  journal during my first battle with infertility and then during my short pregnancy and what it was like going through the loss.  This made starting a blog easy because I just took this journal, took out names and other identifying facts, and hit publish.  Everything was written before I knew anyone in this community.  It was not written to spare anyone or with any need to protect myself.  It was the most honest writing I have ever written.

Once my pre-written story was out I kept writing.  I followed other women’s blogs that were trying to get pregnant and I became invested in their stories.  I felt like I belonged to something and that I wasn’t alone.  I felt accepted for my truth.   I liked knowing these women and naturally felt a real connection to some of you.  Even the ones that I didn’t feel connected to, I felt compassion and empathy for.   I started to have some filters.  It’s important to be sensitive to everyone’s story because they are all valid.

I think we all fear that there is some sort of competition going in the who is most infertile category.  And maybe there is.  We all send messages to each other filled with support and hope and I think honest desire that those among us get pregnant.  And then silently curse our new friends when they do.  It really shouldn’t be a competition.  We all deserve to be here.  We all deserve to write our truth.

But I still filter now.  Because I have learned that so and so blogger that I love and respect has different religious beliefs than I do, or this other blogger that I relate to so much has different political beliefs than I do, or someone else who I love has been through something way worse or harder than I have.  So I write with the aim to not offend or be judged.  It’s the right thing to do because none of you should be hurt by one of us.  But it does make my writing a little watered down and my truth a little censored.

Being here and being pregnant is really hard.  My blogging has been hurt by my pregnancy because I don’t want my blogger friends to be hurt by my pregnancy.  I am afraid to talk about the joy and wonder of pregnancy because I am afraid of the unwritten comment “yeah screw you sunshine, we’re all still stuck in the hell of trying while you gloat about your baby”.   And I’m afraid to tell you all how much I truly hate being pregnant because we all know the answer to that one “You ungrateful fertile!  I would throw up every last meal for the rest of my life if it meant I was pregnant.  And I would laugh and smile about it.”   So I write less.  I hope it hurts you less.

Commenting.  Another hard one.  Now that I am pregnant I am super self conscious of my comments.  Especially to women who are still trying.  Will my comment, no matter how heartfelt, just remind you that I am pregnant and you are not?  Do you think I no longer care or understand?  Maybe it’s best to follow silently and not say anything.  But then I’m the bitch that got pregnant and left you all in the trenches.

It can be very stressful.  I don’t need my blog to be stressful.  I am pregnant, it reminds me of being pregnant before and having to end that pregnancy and have my baby ripped from me.  It scares me that I will have to go through the same thing or some new unknown horror.  Being pregnant is stressful for me, I don’t need writing about it to be stressful.  So I write less, but I still love all of you the same.  I still want to follow your stories and continue to hope the very best for you.

My yahoo reader is divided into three categories.  Pregnant or parenting bloggers (all of whom I followed through the struggle to get there), you warriors that are still trying, and then a few from column A and B that I don’t think read my blog or care one way or the other if I comment so I follow along silently.  In all honesty I don’t really enjoy finding new pregnancy blogs with my same due date, I’m not looking for mommy friends right now.  If you are pregnant and I follow you it’s because I care so much about your story and your happily ever after that I think about you even when the computer is off.   I still find myself picking up new TTCers because that is still where I relate the most, although they don’t know it since I’m a stupid fertile now.

I am happy to say that I have been able to put a lot of TTCers in the pregnant column and I am so in love with you ladies and your stories and I am convinced that blogging is the universal cure for infertility so don’t stop!

Here is another dose of honesty from me (are you still reading? this is getting long and rambly I’m afraid)  I find infertility more interesting to read and write about than pregnancy.  I think cervical mucus is more interesting than morning sickness.  I think BBT charts are more fascinating than comparing baby size to fruit.  Although the pregnants have some pretty good poop and boob stories…..  But drugs and triggers and herbs and needles are far more fascinating than prenatal vitamins and prune juice.  Once I take out all the stuff that is either going to offend the pregnant or the trying, and the stuff that I think is going to leave me shamed and judged by my internet heros, the blog posts I have left bore the crap out of me and leave me un…motivated.

That is enough outta me for one day.  But before I go here is my truth today.

I don’t actually enjoy pregnancy that much. At least not the first trimester because I feel like shit, pretty much all the time. I miss feeling good. I want to be pregnant, I will live with all of my symptoms for the chance at having a baby at the end. But I am not grateful for my morning sickness, I am not grateful for my constipation, or my huge belly that is huge because of gas not baby. Honestly, so far, pregnancy sucks, and I have extreme fear to add this time around because I have suffered a loss.  I know that I am lucky, but I’ll thank luck when my baby is home with me.

A memory

Yesterday marked one year since we terminated our first pregnancy last December for trisomy 18.  On one hand it seems crazy to me that a year has past already because I remember it as clear as if it just happened.  On the other hand it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year because it feels like I have been carrying the weight of that story for much longer.

Even though I am one trimester into another pregnancy I can’t help but think about my first one and how much I loved that baby.  It would be unfair to say that I don’t love this baby because of course I do.  But it’s a love I only allow myself to feel in small doses because I am still so scared it will be taken from me.

I did not want yesterday to pass without acknowledging our loss or our love for our first child.  We are not the kind of people to make a large memorial or have an annual ceremony.  We are more the type of people to hold our memory in our heart and not let it out.   But yesterday as we were putting up our first Christmas tree together and decorating our house for the winter holidays I was singing one minute and crying the next.

I am so happy to be carrying a precious new little baby, but I can’t help but be reminded of the fact that this should be baby’s first Christmas.  I can’t help but remember the sorrow of last year at this time.   So I am doing the best I can.  I am feeling my joy when it is there and making room for my pain when it needs it.  Cloudy is being good about trying to keep up and trying to know if I need a hug or a minute to myself.

In order to have our first baby with us this holiday season we lit a special candle and said some loving words.  It will stay on our fireplace alongside the other decorations and will be lit as a way to keep our family whole.

photo

We still have not received the results of our MaterniT21 test and I am going bonkers.  I thought perhaps my not-so-on-it doctor’s office may have heard something so I called last Friday to remind them that I want to know maybe a little sooner than just whenever they get around to it.  I of course,  had to leave a message.  So I will call again today.  It is possible that they have not heard anything and that they will call as soon as they know.   It is also possible that our results are sitting in a unopened envelope on a desk somewhere just hanging out.    Motherhood takes more patience than I could’ve ever imagined.

un………motivated

I don’t know what it is but I am so….SO unmotivated lately.  Like, no drive to do anything at all.  I don’t even feel like emailing my friends or watching tv.  It’s bizzare.

I am totally uninspired by my job and not really getting much done at work these days.

I am not motivated to learn anything about my new town and once again find it totally uninspiring.

It’s even hard to get myself excited about doing yoga or going swimming which are usually things I Love.

It’s bad enough that I have been googleing “prenatal depression”.  I’m not sad or angry by any means I just feel nothing.

I’ve gone through periods of life before where I have been unenthusiastic about my job or my home but that usually motivates me to make a change.  Usually when I get like this I start some crazy plan to move or change carreers or go back to school or start a business.  But I never want to do nothing.  I am even finding it really hard to blog because I feel so boring right now.

I hope it is because I am so exhausted and  don’t have the energy for anything new right now.  I really hope it goes away in trimester 2 and doesn’t lurk around as my new foggy existence.

Anybody know anything or have any experiences with this.   I’m crawling out of my skin with boredom and yet I loathe the idea of doing anything.

In the good news department.  I called my doctor’s office and scheduled an NT ultrasound for Dec 10th.  We won’t necessarily need it since I did the MaterniT21 test, but I couldn’t turn down an opportunity for Cloudy and I to see our growing bebe.  It turns out that the best thing to do is just call and schedule whatever you want and not consult a Dr or nurse about it first.  We’ll see how that flies with the insurance…..   I spoke to a live human first ring and she seemed competent and helpful!  I was shocked.

Expectations

I have not been overly impressed with my OB to date.  Just in general the office seems a little flaky.  I can call 4 times in a day and not get anyone to answer.  My appointment times have been confused on their part and I’ve had to show them my reminder card to help them understand it wasn’t my fault.  And then in general I don’t feel like I’ve received the level of care that I want from the doctor in terms of screenings and monitoring.

It came to me over the weekend that I need to take some responsibility for part of this.  I have certain expectations for this pregnancy that are based on 1.) the care I received at my previous OB, 2.) information I wished I had had in my first pregnancy,  and 3.) the care I have read about other bloggers getting without asking for it.   So it is possible that it isn’t fair for me to get mad at a doctor for not meeting expectations she hasn’t been made aware of.

Also, I think because I already thought I knew what to expect from pre-natal care I did not think to have a conversation with my new doctor about their standard protocol for treating pregnant women.    It occurred to me that maybe I need to have this conversation.  I need to explain what I expect but also hear what their standard is so that we are both working off of the same set of expectations.  Hopefully this will avoid any future freak outs on my part in relation to not getting something I thought was going to happen.  I likely also need to make a call to my insurance company after I have talked to the doctor so that I know what I can expect to be covered in my pregnancy plan.

Gone are the days that I can expect my doctor to be one step ahead of me in terms of offering me information I didn’t know I could have.   Blogging will do that to you, makes you all too aware of what is out there.

I am going in for a blood draw for the MaterniT21-like test this morning.  Again I do not know if I can expect to have this chat with my doctor today or if I will just being seeing a tech.  But if I don’t see her I will call repeatedly until someone answers and can get me in touch with her.  Ahh a plan!

Haircuts and Story-time

On Friday I got my haircut by someone I have never met before.  When I walked in she introduced herself to me and asked what I wanted with my hair.  From there we naturally progressed to my favorite part;  the washing.  I like to sit back close my eyes and let someone else pamper me.  As soon as I sat down it started.

“Are you married?  How long?  Do you have kids?”

“Um, I’ve been married for 2 years and no kids yet.  You?”

From this point on she did all the talking and it was all about how she has been married for 5 years, has one little girl and another baby on the way. She is exactly as far a long as I am.  10 weeks that day.  She told me all about her first perfect pregnancy and easy birth because “People always want to tell you their bad stories, no one wants to tell you how easy it can be!”

Actually, people like to tell me how easy it is all the time, and that makes me crazy, but thanks.

The whole time I just sat there, not relaxing, wondering if I should tell her that I was expecting too and that we were at the same point.  But I never did.  She proceeded to tell me how she hopes this one is a boy so that she can be done because she hates being pregnant.  She talked about how sick and grouchy she had been feeling.  It was surreal.

I left thinking,  how nice it would be to talk that openly about my pregnancy with no fear of things going wrong.  How cool to be able to tell a complete stranger everything about everything you are feeling.   I was too scared to tell her anything.  I was jealous of her.  But my hair looked good so I will likely subject myself to it again 🙂