This post at My Life is About the Journey really hit me. I echo the sentiment 100%. This one at Stupid Stork touched on similar things as well.
I started comments in response to both of their blogs but they got long enough I thought I would just weigh in here with my own thoughts on this pregnant infertile issue.
One of the reasons that I started blogging was that I had a story of infertility and loss and I didn’t feel like I had a place in my life to share that story in it’s un-watered down truth. In sharing with friends and family I was always using filters and leaving out certain details or certain feelings I was having about those details. I was doing this because I know these people, I know that some things that were my truth would hurt their feelings. And I thought they would judge me for parts of my truth and that would hurt my feelings. This is why I say that friendship makes honesty harder. Knowing someone and caring about them lends to wanting to protect them and yourself.
With a blog I could put it all out there. I could be completely honest. This felt safe because I was writing anonymously and complete strangers were reading my words. I kept an electronic journal during my first battle with infertility and then during my short pregnancy and what it was like going through the loss. This made starting a blog easy because I just took this journal, took out names and other identifying facts, and hit publish. Everything was written before I knew anyone in this community. It was not written to spare anyone or with any need to protect myself. It was the most honest writing I have ever written.
Once my pre-written story was out I kept writing. I followed other women’s blogs that were trying to get pregnant and I became invested in their stories. I felt like I belonged to something and that I wasn’t alone. I felt accepted for my truth. I liked knowing these women and naturally felt a real connection to some of you. Even the ones that I didn’t feel connected to, I felt compassion and empathy for. I started to have some filters. It’s important to be sensitive to everyone’s story because they are all valid.
I think we all fear that there is some sort of competition going in the who is most infertile category. And maybe there is. We all send messages to each other filled with support and hope and I think honest desire that those among us get pregnant. And then silently curse our new friends when they do. It really shouldn’t be a competition. We all deserve to be here. We all deserve to write our truth.
But I still filter now. Because I have learned that so and so blogger that I love and respect has different religious beliefs than I do, or this other blogger that I relate to so much has different political beliefs than I do, or someone else who I love has been through something way worse or harder than I have. So I write with the aim to not offend or be judged. It’s the right thing to do because none of you should be hurt by one of us. But it does make my writing a little watered down and my truth a little censored.
Being here and being pregnant is really hard. My blogging has been hurt by my pregnancy because I don’t want my blogger friends to be hurt by my pregnancy. I am afraid to talk about the joy and wonder of pregnancy because I am afraid of the unwritten comment “yeah screw you sunshine, we’re all still stuck in the hell of trying while you gloat about your baby”. And I’m afraid to tell you all how much I truly hate being pregnant because we all know the answer to that one “You ungrateful fertile! I would throw up every last meal for the rest of my life if it meant I was pregnant. And I would laugh and smile about it.” So I write less. I hope it hurts you less.
Commenting. Another hard one. Now that I am pregnant I am super self conscious of my comments. Especially to women who are still trying. Will my comment, no matter how heartfelt, just remind you that I am pregnant and you are not? Do you think I no longer care or understand? Maybe it’s best to follow silently and not say anything. But then I’m the bitch that got pregnant and left you all in the trenches.
It can be very stressful. I don’t need my blog to be stressful. I am pregnant, it reminds me of being pregnant before and having to end that pregnancy and have my baby ripped from me. It scares me that I will have to go through the same thing or some new unknown horror. Being pregnant is stressful for me, I don’t need writing about it to be stressful. So I write less, but I still love all of you the same. I still want to follow your stories and continue to hope the very best for you.
My yahoo reader is divided into three categories. Pregnant or parenting bloggers (all of whom I followed through the struggle to get there), you warriors that are still trying, and then a few from column A and B that I don’t think read my blog or care one way or the other if I comment so I follow along silently. In all honesty I don’t really enjoy finding new pregnancy blogs with my same due date, I’m not looking for mommy friends right now. If you are pregnant and I follow you it’s because I care so much about your story and your happily ever after that I think about you even when the computer is off. I still find myself picking up new TTCers because that is still where I relate the most, although they don’t know it since I’m a stupid fertile now.
I am happy to say that I have been able to put a lot of TTCers in the pregnant column and I am so in love with you ladies and your stories and I am convinced that blogging is the universal cure for infertility so don’t stop!
Here is another dose of honesty from me (are you still reading? this is getting long and rambly I’m afraid) I find infertility more interesting to read and write about than pregnancy. I think cervical mucus is more interesting than morning sickness. I think BBT charts are more fascinating than comparing baby size to fruit. Although the pregnants have some pretty good poop and boob stories….. But drugs and triggers and herbs and needles are far more fascinating than prenatal vitamins and prune juice. Once I take out all the stuff that is either going to offend the pregnant or the trying, and the stuff that I think is going to leave me shamed and judged by my internet heros, the blog posts I have left bore the crap out of me and leave me un…motivated.
That is enough outta me for one day. But before I go here is my truth today.
I don’t actually enjoy pregnancy that much. At least not the first trimester because I feel like shit, pretty much all the time. I miss feeling good. I want to be pregnant, I will live with all of my symptoms for the chance at having a baby at the end. But I am not grateful for my morning sickness, I am not grateful for my constipation, or my huge belly that is huge because of gas not baby. Honestly, so far, pregnancy sucks, and I have extreme fear to add this time around because I have suffered a loss. I know that I am lucky, but I’ll thank luck when my baby is home with me.