Human nature vs Nature nature

So I wrote last about sad television.  The truth is that the saddest things are happening right here, in our real world.

There is such a big difference between a natural disaster and a human led massacre isn’t there?

If there is a wild fire or a tsunami, something that feels out of our control, then it seems everyone stands up with empathy and wants to help survivors and families that suffer loss.  We all want to send food, money, prayers, thoughts, and love to the situation.  It is easy to unite because there isn’t anything else we can do.  We can’t stop nature.  We don’t feel responsible so we don’t have the nerves and unsettling fear that comes with having to do something about it.

When one of our own kills we feel very different.  These people that kill, even the ones that kill children, they are one of us.  We don’t like to remember that, we like to cast them out there as separate from us.  But I am of the mind that we create those people and we are responsible for their lives and their actions.

This type of tragedy tends to cause division, not unity like in the natural crisis scenario.  It becomes political, it becomes religious, it’s personal.  We’re divided.

In Camp A you have people that care, they want to help.  They want to send money and love and food and prayers to the survivors.  But they also sense the responsibility.   They know that something has to be done.  Even if they don’t agree on how, they realize that we have to try to do something to keep this from happening again.

This gets people worried, so camp B is formed.  There are whispers and eventually shouts “Camp A wants to take away our guns!  They want to take our money and give it to the mentally unstable!”  They care, they want to help and send thoughts and prayers.  But they don’t feel the responsibility.  They don’t want to make a change if it means a personal sacrifice.   It’s easier to blame god or a lack of god than it is to give up their right to bear arms.

Then we fight, Camp A against Camp B.  The fight becomes about the fight and not about the shooting or the bombing, we say it is, we say we are fighting for the children and their families.  But I think that gets lost.

I think deep down something in us is stirred.  Some of us recognize it as responsibility and some of us only recognize it as very uncomfortable.  But we sense, that when one of our own kills, we are to blame.

That seems really bad right?  I hear you.  “Sunshine, I am not to blame for what that man did to those children.”  I agree.  You, as one person trying to get through life the best way you know how; trying to be a part in making well adjusted conscious families, trying to enjoy this wonderful life even though parts of it really suck, and really bad things happen; you are not to blame for the bad things that happen.

But as a species, as a human race, I absolutely believe we are responsible for each other.  As a whole we are to blame when one of our own breaks and leaves disaster in the wreckage of their explosion.  I think we have the power and the duty to do something.  We have to try.

Sad TV and Bad Wine

Do you guys watch parenthood?

Oh my god I was bawling and sobbing at this weeks episode.  I love this show.  I love the idea of a big multi-generational family all getting together ALL the time.  I mean seriously, if one character has a dentist appointment they all rally around and discuss how it’s going and who will be taking what role in the event.  I really do love it.   I am one of 4 but it will be a while if ever before any of the others gets married or even wants to start having kids.  We all live in different towns in 3 different states.  My parents are divorced.  We do not all get together very often.  I can only assume they all get to the dentist ok.

Anyway, in this weeks’s episode one of the main characters that  is a mother of 3 and is battling breast cancer was hospitalized and we all thought she was a goner.  She made a video saying goodbye to her kids.  I could not breathe I was crying so hard.

Then on Private Practice (I love this one too) they found a little girl that had been missing for over 90 days in one of their patients bedrooms.  The episode was pretty much centered on pedophilia and registered sex offenders.  This time I was crying out of fear.

I don’t know if I am ready to be a mom, it looks painstakingly hard on the heart.  If you can trust TV that is.

 

While watching said sad tv I was drinking a glass of wine.  Maybe it was the alcohol turning on the water works?  No, this wine is not only free of alcohol it is also free of any taste that resembles wine.

I found Fre Wines at the local grocery store and I was kind of excited because I miss having a glass every one and a while.  They use some process to remove the alcohol from the wine so that knocked up saps like me can drink it.

I think the magic process is really just a fancy way of saying they mix grape juice with vinegar.  That is exactly what it tastes like.  And more vinegar than grape.  I’m bummed to say it is not good.  I corked it and put it in the fridge but I’m not sure I’ll be partaking again.  It might all end up in the drain 😦   Oh well, at least I am really enjoying orange juice and sierra mist right now !

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friendship makes honesty harder

This post at My Life is About the Journey really hit me. I echo the sentiment 100%.   This one at Stupid Stork touched on similar things as well.

I started comments in response to both of their blogs but they got long enough I thought I would just weigh in here with my own thoughts on this pregnant infertile issue.

One of the reasons that I started blogging was that I had a story of infertility and loss and I didn’t feel like I had a place in my life to share that story in it’s un-watered down truth.  In sharing with friends and family I was always using filters and leaving out certain details or certain feelings I was having about those details.  I was doing this because I know these people, I know that some things that were my truth would hurt their feelings.  And I thought they would judge me for parts of my truth and that would hurt my feelings.  This is why I say that friendship makes honesty harder.  Knowing someone and caring about them lends to wanting to protect them and yourself.

With a blog I could put it all out there.  I could be completely honest.  This felt safe because I was writing anonymously and complete strangers were reading my words.  I kept an electronic  journal during my first battle with infertility and then during my short pregnancy and what it was like going through the loss.  This made starting a blog easy because I just took this journal, took out names and other identifying facts, and hit publish.  Everything was written before I knew anyone in this community.  It was not written to spare anyone or with any need to protect myself.  It was the most honest writing I have ever written.

Once my pre-written story was out I kept writing.  I followed other women’s blogs that were trying to get pregnant and I became invested in their stories.  I felt like I belonged to something and that I wasn’t alone.  I felt accepted for my truth.   I liked knowing these women and naturally felt a real connection to some of you.  Even the ones that I didn’t feel connected to, I felt compassion and empathy for.   I started to have some filters.  It’s important to be sensitive to everyone’s story because they are all valid.

I think we all fear that there is some sort of competition going in the who is most infertile category.  And maybe there is.  We all send messages to each other filled with support and hope and I think honest desire that those among us get pregnant.  And then silently curse our new friends when they do.  It really shouldn’t be a competition.  We all deserve to be here.  We all deserve to write our truth.

But I still filter now.  Because I have learned that so and so blogger that I love and respect has different religious beliefs than I do, or this other blogger that I relate to so much has different political beliefs than I do, or someone else who I love has been through something way worse or harder than I have.  So I write with the aim to not offend or be judged.  It’s the right thing to do because none of you should be hurt by one of us.  But it does make my writing a little watered down and my truth a little censored.

Being here and being pregnant is really hard.  My blogging has been hurt by my pregnancy because I don’t want my blogger friends to be hurt by my pregnancy.  I am afraid to talk about the joy and wonder of pregnancy because I am afraid of the unwritten comment “yeah screw you sunshine, we’re all still stuck in the hell of trying while you gloat about your baby”.   And I’m afraid to tell you all how much I truly hate being pregnant because we all know the answer to that one “You ungrateful fertile!  I would throw up every last meal for the rest of my life if it meant I was pregnant.  And I would laugh and smile about it.”   So I write less.  I hope it hurts you less.

Commenting.  Another hard one.  Now that I am pregnant I am super self conscious of my comments.  Especially to women who are still trying.  Will my comment, no matter how heartfelt, just remind you that I am pregnant and you are not?  Do you think I no longer care or understand?  Maybe it’s best to follow silently and not say anything.  But then I’m the bitch that got pregnant and left you all in the trenches.

It can be very stressful.  I don’t need my blog to be stressful.  I am pregnant, it reminds me of being pregnant before and having to end that pregnancy and have my baby ripped from me.  It scares me that I will have to go through the same thing or some new unknown horror.  Being pregnant is stressful for me, I don’t need writing about it to be stressful.  So I write less, but I still love all of you the same.  I still want to follow your stories and continue to hope the very best for you.

My yahoo reader is divided into three categories.  Pregnant or parenting bloggers (all of whom I followed through the struggle to get there), you warriors that are still trying, and then a few from column A and B that I don’t think read my blog or care one way or the other if I comment so I follow along silently.  In all honesty I don’t really enjoy finding new pregnancy blogs with my same due date, I’m not looking for mommy friends right now.  If you are pregnant and I follow you it’s because I care so much about your story and your happily ever after that I think about you even when the computer is off.   I still find myself picking up new TTCers because that is still where I relate the most, although they don’t know it since I’m a stupid fertile now.

I am happy to say that I have been able to put a lot of TTCers in the pregnant column and I am so in love with you ladies and your stories and I am convinced that blogging is the universal cure for infertility so don’t stop!

Here is another dose of honesty from me (are you still reading? this is getting long and rambly I’m afraid)  I find infertility more interesting to read and write about than pregnancy.  I think cervical mucus is more interesting than morning sickness.  I think BBT charts are more fascinating than comparing baby size to fruit.  Although the pregnants have some pretty good poop and boob stories…..  But drugs and triggers and herbs and needles are far more fascinating than prenatal vitamins and prune juice.  Once I take out all the stuff that is either going to offend the pregnant or the trying, and the stuff that I think is going to leave me shamed and judged by my internet heros, the blog posts I have left bore the crap out of me and leave me un…motivated.

That is enough outta me for one day.  But before I go here is my truth today.

I don’t actually enjoy pregnancy that much. At least not the first trimester because I feel like shit, pretty much all the time. I miss feeling good. I want to be pregnant, I will live with all of my symptoms for the chance at having a baby at the end. But I am not grateful for my morning sickness, I am not grateful for my constipation, or my huge belly that is huge because of gas not baby. Honestly, so far, pregnancy sucks, and I have extreme fear to add this time around because I have suffered a loss.  I know that I am lucky, but I’ll thank luck when my baby is home with me.

Haircuts and Story-time

On Friday I got my haircut by someone I have never met before.  When I walked in she introduced herself to me and asked what I wanted with my hair.  From there we naturally progressed to my favorite part;  the washing.  I like to sit back close my eyes and let someone else pamper me.  As soon as I sat down it started.

“Are you married?  How long?  Do you have kids?”

“Um, I’ve been married for 2 years and no kids yet.  You?”

From this point on she did all the talking and it was all about how she has been married for 5 years, has one little girl and another baby on the way. She is exactly as far a long as I am.  10 weeks that day.  She told me all about her first perfect pregnancy and easy birth because “People always want to tell you their bad stories, no one wants to tell you how easy it can be!”

Actually, people like to tell me how easy it is all the time, and that makes me crazy, but thanks.

The whole time I just sat there, not relaxing, wondering if I should tell her that I was expecting too and that we were at the same point.  But I never did.  She proceeded to tell me how she hopes this one is a boy so that she can be done because she hates being pregnant.  She talked about how sick and grouchy she had been feeling.  It was surreal.

I left thinking,  how nice it would be to talk that openly about my pregnancy with no fear of things going wrong.  How cool to be able to tell a complete stranger everything about everything you are feeling.   I was too scared to tell her anything.  I was jealous of her.  But my hair looked good so I will likely subject myself to it again 🙂

I’m back and ready to Vote

Hi Internet!

Whew it seems like I haven’t been here in a long long time.  A lot has happened since we last spoke.  So I’m going to pull out the bullets and fill you in that way!  But before I do that I just want to say happy election day!!  I used to be so excited on election day but this year I am just nervous.  So much at stake and two totally different paths we could be going down.  Today basically decides if I am proud or embarrassed to be from this Country.  No matter what happens I will still be grateful to be an American.  Even though I think this Country has a long way to go I can’t help but recognize the great things we do have and the ease and opportunity I have been handed in life.  But Please America.  Please please let’s not make a fool of ourselves, lets do the right thing.

Ok enough about politics lets talk about my silly life.

  • I survived my Licensing Exam.  It was long and grueling and hard and I vacillated the entire 8 hours between thinking I was doing pretty well and thinking I was totally bombing it.  So who knows.  I won’t get my results until last December early January so I have a few months to just sit in being relieved that it is over.  I felt ok during the exam.  They let me bring snacks in so that was helpful.  And I had my good ole Ondansetron.  (Side note: I love that name, doesn’t it sound like transformers meets reindeer?)  I don’t like taking drugs ever and especially not while pregnant but the alternative was moaning and gagging through the test.  No Thanks.  I took the first 8hr pill at 7am and like clockwork I felt like ass at 3pm on the dot.  Luckily I brought in another one with me and so I downed it and a string cheese and I was good to go again.
  • Vacation was super fun.  We had a good time in Wisconsin.  The first three days consisted entirely of driving, watching my husband and his friends drink endless beer and long islands, seeing the Packers beat up on the Jaguars, and more driving.  I don’t really remember sleeping.  But once we arrived at the in-laws house late Sunday night there was sleeping into the late hours of Monday.  There may have even been a nap Monday afternoon.  This was followed by lots of eating.  In Wisconsin the favorite foods are fried food, cheese, and fried cheese.  Delicious? yes!  Easy to digest? Not so much.  Also, Cloudy’s family is from Northern Italy so we had homemade gnocchi, polenta, and other amazing meals.  It was great.  We ate, we slept, we talked with the family.  We even went trick-or-treating with the niece and nephews.  I walked on the street with the “grown-ups” and Cloudy dressed as a fireman and raced the kids (sometimes pushing ans shoving) to the doors for Candy.  He felt sad inside that two people said “here’s one for Dad too”.  He is 39, so he just makes it under the creepy 40 year old line 🙂  It was actually really funny to watch him and the kids LOVED it.  He’s the fun uncle.
  • We told Cloudy’s family at dinner the first night that I am pregnant.   They we all very excited of course and it was nice to finally tell people.
  • TMI Alert:  I think between the overload of progesterone and and the traveling and the tons of food I am not used to, my colon went on strike.  It just laid there like a doped up apathetic loser.  It did nothing.  I bought fiber and prune juice, nothing.  I pushed and prayed and walked and contorted my body, nothing.  5 whole days of nothing to be exact.  I was scared, but I kept eating.  Then when colon decided to give it a go it was a meek attempt.  Just a couple of deer pellets.  This is so unusual for me.  Now that I have been home a few days it seems to be getting better but I am still pounding the fiber and prune juice and trying to use acupressure to help.
  • I came home with a cold.  I don’t know if it was a few days without sleep, or the wet cold weather in Wisconsin or cuddling with my snotty niece on the couch but something got me.  So I got to add sore throat and stuffed up face to nauseous and constipated.  Hence my not diving right back into blogging when I got home.  I did try to get caught up on most of your posts though.  I am a lot like Jenny of Stupid Stork.  I am usually the storm trooper of happy go lucky and optimism.  But if I get hurt or sick, forget it I am a complete fatalist.  I am the person that if I get a little hungry I think the whole world is starving and food will never be available to any of us again.  When I get a cold I think I will never be well again, I am sure it is the end and I like to vocalize it.  It seems like having someone else hear me moan or sigh actually makes me feel better.   So this last weekend I moaned and groaned and generally carried on in a very pathetic manner.  But it worked I am all healed now!   I also took Cold Snap which I love.  I emailed the company and they told me that while it hasn’t been FDA approved safe for pregnancy they  confidently and unofficially report that none of the individual ingredients are harmful for me or baby and that I should proceed at my own discretion, wink wink.  Good enough for me.
  • That is about all.  I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant and I still have nothing to show for it.  No beta numbers, no progesterone numbers, no yolk sac measurements.  NOTHING.  I still have to wait one more week!!!  Aghh  it’s killing me!  Just tell me something, anything, preferably something I can chart and google!  Oh, they did tell me my iron is normal and I don’t have a UTI.  Great.

It’s good to be back.  I missed you guys!

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I’m out for a bit.

Hi Friends. I won’t be around the internets for a week or so. I am heading out this afternoon to go to the big city. I am taking my 8 hour professional engineering licensing exam tomorrow, yay!! No, really I am not looking forward to it at all.  I did break down and call the Doc and had her call in a Rx for anti nausea meds.  That’s right the ill is back!  But sitting and answering 80 questions about highway design and bridge loading while thinking about blowing chunks is not my ideal day.  So I’m taking the drugs.

Saturday we are flying to Wisconsin to hang out with some of Cloudy’s friends and family.  Going to the Packer Game on Sunday and taking the niece and nephews trick-or-treating on Wednesday.  I’ll be home next Thursday night though so I will be all up in your business again very soon.

Love you guys!!

I need some Juice

A doctor update before I get into my random ramblings.  I finally got to talk to a nurse yesterday.  Part of the issue is that they are going  from 3 doctors down to 2 since one is retiring and the other two are trying to absorb his patients as well as keep up with new ones.  I understand that that is hard,  but I don’t understand why that means no one can answer the phone.  Anyway, because of this, the soonest they can get me in is Tuesday next week.     Since I am a new patient I have to have one appointment in the morning with a nurse to do patient intake stuff and get blood drawn and yadayada.  Then in the afternoon I have another appointment to consult with one of the doctors.  I’m not sure what this really means.  I’m hoping worst case scenario I can explain that I sort of want to go the midwife-holistic-birthing route but the give-me-every-western-diagnostic-test-during-my-pregnancy-that-you-can route. And best case scenario she can use her “magic wand”  to look in there and tell me everything will definitely be fine and I will get  a healthy baby.   Since my other pregnancy was ended due to  trisomy 18 I want to know as soon as I can if I am facing that or anything else equally devastating as soon as I can.  I am going to need a lot of reassurance along the way that this isn’t going to be taken from me.      Getting in Tuesday is all well and good.  I would’ve liked to get in this week and gotten a couple of Beta tests but mostly that would’ve been a fleeting reassurance.  I could have pushed but I didn’t.  Hopefully Tuesday will come quickly and that they will want to do something scientific and reassuring then.

 

Since moving I have sort of been doing…..nothing.    I don’t have a lot going on at work, and since I don’t know anything about the town I’m living in, I haven’t really found anything to do here.   So I pretty much just sleep and work and eat.   And it is making me crabby.

My whole life I have always been driven by boredom.  I HATE being bored.  So I fill my life with way too much stuff and end up being stressed.  There seems to be no in between with me.  I am either all lazy or all systems go.

Lately I have been all lazy.  I think I was just waiting for something to happen.  And then I found out I was pregnant and thought “well I can’t start anything new now”  Which is ridiculous.  Also, since Cloudy took his new job with a lot more supervisory responsibility he has been feeling like he needs to put more time and effort into the job until he climbs what he describes as a steep learning curve.

He is one of those hard working types;  comes from a very hard working family.  So it has been ingrained in him forever that what makes him valuable is the work he does.  Although I respect and admire his work ethic I don’t share his live-to-work life philosophy.

I do work and I understand that it is important.  I put in my time, and I do not like to do a half ass job, I care about the quality of the work that I do.  I have had times in my life when I have been pursuing worthwhile dreams while being completely broke and that is just about the most stressful way to live.  I cannot cope with worrying about money.  Cloudy and I make good money.  Of course there are lots and lots of people that make a lot more than we do but we do pretty well and most importantly we don’t have to worry that our bills can be paid.  So I work.  But I work to live.

Lately I don’t feel like I have been living, just working (and sleeping and eating).  I have been a little irritated with Cloudy that he is working so much and doesn’t care that he doesn’t do anything else.  I have been mostly irritated that he isn’t irritated.  He is happy, he likes his new job and he is ok with putting a lot into it because he feels like a hardworking, worthwhile person.  And for some reason that has been driving me crazy.

I have just been kinda bitter that he moved me all the way to this small town with nothing and no one just so that he could work 10 hours a day.  I’ve been irritated that he doesn’t have the desire to do anything else like find places he can bike ride or get a damn hobby or something!  I’ve been irritated that because of this he doesn’t have anything to talk about except work.  And since we work together and I don’t live to work, when I leave I want to forget this place and talk about other things.  I’ve been bitter and irritated and I have been expressing those things to him.  And I know he is feeling bad about it.

I have been being a big fat hippocrit.  I haven’t been pursuing anything else either.  I don’t have anything else to talk about either.  I haven’t been doing anything that puts juice in my life and I’ve been mad at Cloudy for not wanting more juice in his life.  But he’s fine, he doens’t need juice right now.  He has his new fancy job to put himself into and his kind of person loves that.  I need the juice!!  I need to do something.

So I’m now in search of the juice!  For me.  And I am trying to do it in a way that creates energy and doesn’t just fill my calendar up and stress me out.  The only thing I was looking forward to in living here is the dream of the simpler life.  So part of my new goal is to find the juice in the simpleness of what I already have.  To try to enjoy walking our dogs in the evening.  To try to make it fun to cook and eat dinner with my husband.

AND!  To make the most of my time alone in the morning.  Cloudy has been getting up early and coming to work because I usually like to sleep as much as I can.  So he gets up and lets me sleep and gets to work early so that he can come home on time with me and not let work take away from us.  (I’ve been ungrateful).  But this morning I got up at 6:20 and did 40 min of yoga.  Then I had a mug of tea and listened to the Brett Dennen station on Pandora while I showered and got ready.  It was 45 min of singing and dancing.  And lastly, I rode my bike to work.

I feel GREAT!  Oh my god.  I thought I was not a morning person and that it was my fate to always hate getting out of bed and to be a grouch until 10 every morning.  But I feel so amazing right now.  Turns out I don’t need more sleep, what I need is to get my butt out of bed and move and breathe!!  I need to get up and get my own juice!

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