Hey it’s Me!

So it is harder than I thought it was going to be to..

Study for a Licencing Exam

Pack up all of my belongings and move them 150 miles

Remodel our home and get it rented or sold

Find a new place to live

Have sex every other night

Post a photo everyday

Keep you all informed

 

All in a few weeks time.  The worst part of it all is that I have let blogging fall to the back burner even though it helps me with everything else and even though you are all there for me without fail.  My loyalty should be to you.   But one by one the balls are dropping.  Turns out I am no juggler.  We have been going back and forth spending two or three days a week in the new location and then furiously trying to get our house in shape for someone else to live in when we leave.     But Saturday is the big day.  The movers are coming and we are going.  Things should start to settle in and down by next week and then I will hopefully be able to rejoin the world of the blogging.

I think the egg popped out last Friday on CD 13 and the sperm was happily awaiting it’s arrival so we shall see!

The bad news is that Mr Needles reached out to his community and cannot find an acupuncturist within 100 miles of my new town.  I’m bummed because even if I decide to move on to IUI I still wanted to have it acupuncture assisted.   I want one for other things too like head colds and aches and pains.  I want my needles!   He has me set up on a herb regimin that I can repeat monthly so hopefully that will help.  I will likely do that for a couple of months while I look into my other options here.

That is all for now!  LOVE HUGS and WISHES to you all.  I hope your ovaries are all being kind this week.

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To busy to be sad

First I have to acknowledge that this is post 100!  What?  That is crazy pants.  I never thought I would make it to 50 let alone 100.  I am kind of excited about it.  I love my blog and my blog friends and….. whoo hooo 100!

Well here I am on cycle day 10 and starting to rev up some hope that I will ovulate, fertilize, and implant over the next two weeks.  Since it is my last month in town I decided to give mr. needles one more chance.   I will have my last appointment with him on Friday to hopefully spur ovulation on Saturday.  Hopefully that and a little fun in the bedroom will be enough.

If it isn’t I think I am going to start looking into other options.  Josey reminded me that I can try IUI without drugs and that seems like a good place to start.  So, if I don’t have the kind of pee that makes two lines by the time we are settled in our new place I will look around and see if there are any doctors locally that would be willing to shoot me up with sperm.  I’m not sure why but I am just so nervous about that decision.

I am not a blob of sad anymore.  Thanks for all of your kind words and support, it’s great to have such a huge space to hold my grief.  Since we are moving and practically remodeling our house before we go I have been too busy to be too sad.

My mom came last weekend to help us pack and paint and we had a great time.  Sometimes you just need your mom.

We come home from work and spend several hours every evening packing and working on the house but I still need to keep up the energy so that I can seduce Cloudy all week.  He is taking an interest in what day I am on and he thinks the every other day plan is the way to go.  He is also taking some chinese herbs  to help with his essence so that can only help.  I love that he is participating and not just doing it all for the nookie this time.

I will let you know how it goes!

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Run Roald Dahl Grain

It takes something big and angry to get me to run these days. People always talk about runner’s high…..well I get runners low. If i start running my body yells “HEY you stop that right now”. I am active but running hurts. I used to run though. I was a sprinter in high school.

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Roald Dahl is the shit! I fell in love from BFG. Totally my favorite author when I was younger.

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We are replacing all of our trim and decided to go with stain instead of paint so we could see the beautiful wood grain.

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You Warm My Heart

Ladies.  Whatever you are doing right now, please stop and take a moment to acknowledge how completely amazing you really are. 

Seriously.  I never expected to find such amazingly caring and supoortive people.  YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.

You all get human of the year award. 

This is all to say thank you for your comments on my post yesterday.  As they were rolling in I could feel my strength building.  Between you and my animals and my super sweet husband I was able to pull myself off the floor and dry my eyes long enough to seek out carbs and dairy.  All of these things are helping. 

To be honest, I am still a blob of sad.  But I am no longer a blob of hopelessness.  You all helped me to see that it isn’t over and that I can keep going.  You have so lovingly reminded me that I am not alone and I am not out of options. 

Thanks friends.  Celebrate yourself today.

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Music

In packing up some things to move I came across my cd collection and felt… old. I mean, I remember the transition from tape to cd and I thought they were so cutting edge.

What is cutting edge is that I can now fit my entire music collection in my pocket!

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Young people don’t even realize that each album used to need its own space on your shelf.

The only saving grace is that Cloudy has tapes and records! He will always make me feel young.

I look forward to the day that I have to have my kids show me how to get my beastie boys off my iPod and into the microscopic chip we will all inevitably have embedded in our ears.

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Broken, Breaking Down

My temp was down about halfway on Saturday morning and then took the big plummet Sunday morning.  I take my temperature at 5:00 every morning and then get up to give the dog his first dose of medication.  When I saw that 97.28 I knew that it was over and that saturday’s drop was not a fluke.  I fed the dog his breakfast and pills as I sat sobbing on the living room floor.  I don’t usually react this strongly but it just came and wouldn’t stop.  Cloudy heard me and came down and held me as I cried on the floor. 

I was hoping that I was being super emotional because it was early and I was tired so I went back to bed.  When I woke up again at 8:00 the same scene ensued only I wasn’t on the floor this time.  I pretty much cried all day yesterday and my eyes are tearing up now just thinking about it. 

Crying because I’m not pregnant.  And crying because this time last year I was!  I was pregnant, I made it past the dreaded 12 week miscarriage window and I am supossed to be a mom right now.  But I am not.  I’m just a tired stressed crazy person (sounds like a mom but you don’t get the tiny cuddles at the end of the day that make it all worth it)  I am so sad that my baby’s life was so short that I never got to meet her/him.  And I am so mad that here I am two years after we started trying, still no baby. 

I can usually take the hit with a lot more courage and optimisim.  But the start of this cycle just feels like a continuation of my doom. 

One thought that keeps popping into my head is that I am such a rookie.  All I have done is try a ton of supplements and herbs and needles.  All I have done is monitor my bbt and have sex with my husband.  And frankly I am over it.  I don’t want to try anymore.  Of course I will keep trying but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to take my temperature every morning for months on end just to know that I’m not pregnant.  Honestly, I don’t even want to have sex with my husband anymore because it feels like non-alcoholic beer (what’s the point right?) 

We were able to get a house to rent in the town we are moving to and I was so excited about it and now I don’t want to move into a place with more bedrooms than my broken uterus can fill. 

And I’m a f’ing rookie.  So many of you have done so much more for so much longer.  I can’t help but think about the women who have put themselves through multiple IVFs.  I can’t help but think about the women who have spent 10 or more years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to grow their families. 

You ladies are warriors and I’m an f’ing rookie and I want to quit.  I want to just sit on the floor with my dog and sob and give up. 

Cycle day 2, whoo hoo!

 
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