Sad TV and Bad Wine

Do you guys watch parenthood?

Oh my god I was bawling and sobbing at this weeks episode.  I love this show.  I love the idea of a big multi-generational family all getting together ALL the time.  I mean seriously, if one character has a dentist appointment they all rally around and discuss how it’s going and who will be taking what role in the event.  I really do love it.   I am one of 4 but it will be a while if ever before any of the others gets married or even wants to start having kids.  We all live in different towns in 3 different states.  My parents are divorced.  We do not all get together very often.  I can only assume they all get to the dentist ok.

Anyway, in this weeks’s episode one of the main characters that  is a mother of 3 and is battling breast cancer was hospitalized and we all thought she was a goner.  She made a video saying goodbye to her kids.  I could not breathe I was crying so hard.

Then on Private Practice (I love this one too) they found a little girl that had been missing for over 90 days in one of their patients bedrooms.  The episode was pretty much centered on pedophilia and registered sex offenders.  This time I was crying out of fear.

I don’t know if I am ready to be a mom, it looks painstakingly hard on the heart.  If you can trust TV that is.

 

While watching said sad tv I was drinking a glass of wine.  Maybe it was the alcohol turning on the water works?  No, this wine is not only free of alcohol it is also free of any taste that resembles wine.

I found Fre Wines at the local grocery store and I was kind of excited because I miss having a glass every one and a while.  They use some process to remove the alcohol from the wine so that knocked up saps like me can drink it.

I think the magic process is really just a fancy way of saying they mix grape juice with vinegar.  That is exactly what it tastes like.  And more vinegar than grape.  I’m bummed to say it is not good.  I corked it and put it in the fridge but I’m not sure I’ll be partaking again.  It might all end up in the drain 😦   Oh well, at least I am really enjoying orange juice and sierra mist right now !

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10 Distractions

I am in the home stretch (what does that mean?) It’s test eve, I have successfully managed to change my plan of testing on monday, to sunday, to tomorrow! SO I have about 20 hrs left to distract myself and I am going to make a list of things to keep me busy until then.

There are several things I could do…

  • plan healthy meals for next week and make a grocery list
  • actually focus at my job
  • study for my impending professional licensing test
  • pick the cat hair off of my pants one at a time

But let’s not kid ourselves, I will most likely not do any of those things today.   Here are some better ideas.

    1. research any and all ways to incorporate chocolate into my weight loss program
    2. an hour of yoga and breathing exercises
    3. take my time picking out the perfect bottle of red and white wine (if I’m not pregnant i’ll be prepared and if I am, I can take them to my girlfriend’s get together Saturday night)
    4. comb through the library shelves and check out 4 or 5 books even though I usually only read one before they are due back, ooh I should get some audio books too
    5. watch the Jamaican’s run their asses off and stare in amazement (I was a sprinter in highschool and did decent for a white girl so watching these guys smash world records is pretty amazing to me)
    6. look at every pee stick and BBT chart of every woman before me to see if anyone has one exactly like mine
    7. print out colored photos of everyone mentioned in Jenny’s Do Him List and hang them on my cubicle wall so that I can narrow it down to 5 once and for all
    8. throw an impromptu dance party for one, or two if Cloudy seems game
    9. eat a really fattening delicious meal, because hey there is a very small chance that I am pregnant and the baby (a few cells big at this point) will surely need the extra calories today
    10. sleep (oh please let me sleep tonight, waking up to pee tomorrow is like going to Disney Land)

I have acupuncture today too!  that will help.  Any other ideas?  What am I missing?

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Heart Wide Open

Well just like always the yoga festival was amazing.  I was able to learn a lot and make some transformation.  The festival doesn’t have a theme per se but every year it seems like I receive the message I am supposed to.  The thing that kept coming up in classes for me was that I am good enough and have enough and I can just relax and enjoy this amazing life I have been given.  I don’t need to commit to some crazy spiritual program or do 108 sun salutations everyday or anything hard.  I just need to keep showing up to my life as I am.  We are all already there.

I learned new ways to practice the physical postures (asanas) and new ways to incorporate breath and meditation.  But the biggest take home message for me is that yoga is not just about the physical body and a true practice can be something that makes your heart sing.

One of the biggest moments for me was when a teacher said this

“God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan

This left me sitting with steaming tears.  It directly transformed the hurt I have been carrying about my loss and my infertility.  It reminded me to keep my heart open.

I also enjoyed learning the myths of the yogic gods.  In particular the stories of Ganehsa, Kali, and Durga were powerful for me.  In yoga these “gods” are not beings outside of ourselves that we call upon to save us but are aspects that we all carry inside of us that we can summon in our own selves to handle the life we are living.

It is hard to put into words the weekend I just had but I feel open and light and free.

In other news I finished my five days of licorice root on Sunday and am currently on day 11 of my cycle.  My BBT is looking good and Cloudy and I are having fun and trying to make this week a time to connect and love each other and not just one of mandatory sex.  All of this great stuff leading up to next week will maybe help with the 2 week wait crazies.

Love you girls, I can’t wait to get on your blogs and find out where everyone is and how things are going in your journeys.

Taking my Ovaries to Telluride

Today is day six of my cycle and I started the licorice root yesterday.  Hopefully it will do something!!  It does taste just like licorice but it’s really strong and so gross.  I wonder if I could just eat black jelly beans instead?  Just kidding, I know it’s important to eat a good balance of all the colors.

Anyway since next week is the big week with all the hard work and all the sex I thought it might be best to give my ovaries a little treat and take them on a peaceful vacation.  So I am meeting my bestie and a bunch of amazing women friends in Telluride for their annual yoga festival!!  This is one of my favorite weekends of the year and hopefully I will sneak in a few short posts while I’m there to share some of the awesomeness with you but if not I will be back and ready to blog and procreate on Monday.  The plan is to rest and soak up knowledge from the greats and estrogen from friends in an effort to fully prepare my self mentally and physically for this official round of baby making.

With that I better go pack and hit the road but I’ll leave you with this random amazingness since I just heard of them on TV last night.

Have a great weekend ladies!!

Hippie’s Clomid

Have any of you heard of taking licorice root in place of Clomid?

I have been reading about it a little bit and it sounds like you can do this. You just take the amount on the jar for days 3-7 or 5-9 and voila it helps with ovulation and mature happy eggs. I remembered that I had some from my naturopath and so I think I am going to try it. The thing is, I don’t know if I should take it starting day 3 or day 5. Or should I hedge my bets and take it all the way from 3-9? I think with Clomid you are supposed to take it earlier if you want to produce several eggs and later if you just want one egg that is more mature and further along. Is that right? What do you ladies that have taken Clomid before think? I will do some more reading up on it and try to decide. Flo didn’t show until late on Friday so I’m counting yesterday as day one so tomorrow will be day 3 and I either have to take it or wait a couple more days.

I really want to make sure I am doing everything right. I have to believe it will make a difference. I have to move past my feelings of the last cycle and focus on the new one. I don’t know what else to do.

Tricking Cloudy Into Feeling

Let me start with a little background so that when I tell you what I did to my husband you will understand why it had such an impact on him. Cloudy lives to ride bikes. Bicycles are his passion. He can spend hours talking about bikes, riding bikes, shopping online for bike parts, wearing t-shirts with bicycles on them. He watches bicycling on television and collects mountain biking videos. He owns a bike for every purpose under the sun, road biking, mountain biking, bike polo, bmx riding, cruisers, townies, fixed gear, 29er, down hill bike, tandem. And probably a few that I couldn’t tell you what they are for. His newest desire is a snow bike. Yep a fat tired bike made for riding in the snow. He want’s one, baaaad, dare I say he wants one as bad as I want a baby? Second fact you need to know is that we work in the same place and he has recently been complaining about a particular individual who he feel does absolutely nothing and is completely worthless in terms of producing useful work. We’ll call him Bob.

OK so, yesterday I overheard a co-worker telling another co-worker that he got a call in the middle of the night from his 17 year old daughter to tell him and his wife that she was pregnant. Seriously?  On the same day that I find out I’m not pregnant I have to hear this crap?!!!  She just moved away from home to go to school and his wife now wants her to move back home to have the baby. I of course stop what I am doing so as to be able to hear them over my loud typing. I feel as if I have been punched in the gut and can’t breathe and at the same time am trying not to crocodile tear all over my desk. He goes on to say that the father is freaked out and that neither “child” has a job. He is the kind of guy that laughs when he is nervous so the whole story he is laughing. I could also tell that he was very stressed about it. I was very stressed about it too.

I immediately wanted to send Cloudy a message over our company messenger and tell him the horror story that I am hearing. But then i stop myself because I know that he will respond in a way that I find insensitive. Probably something like, “Oh that’s crazy”. He will not at all remember that we are currently trying to do exactly that and that I have been really struggling with the fact that it hasn’t happened for us yet. And that I just found out AGAIN that I am not pregnant!  He wants a baby, he really does, but it doesn’t consume his day or his thoughts and he thinks it will happen when it is meant to happen. He does not get how I feel because he doesn’t feel that way. I thought about that and how I wish there was something I could say to help him realize what I was feeling. Then my brain produced a gem and this is the message I sent him.

“I just overheard someone saying that they are giving Bob a brand new snow bike for being the hardest worker in our region!”

I worry that he will think this is some sort of hoax and see right through me, but no it hits his emotional center before his logic center and responds immediately with this.

What!? Are you F’ing kidding me!?

And this is how the rest of the messaging plays out.

Me: I know it’s crazy

Him: Crazy? It’s rediculous, he doesn’t do anything around here and he won’t even ride that bike, it will just rust in his garage?

Me: you’re pretty upset about it.

Him: Well it’s totally unfair

Me: It’s ok, because it isn’t happening, actually the rumor I overhead is that Ralph’s daughter is pregnant.

Him: What? So what are they giving Bob?

Me: Uh, nothing I made the whole thing up, I just wanted you to feel how I felt when I heard something totally emotional and unfair.

Him: You’re mean

Me: I know sorry, I am emotional.

Him: She’s young isn’t she?

Me: Yep

Him: I’m sorry honey, that really is unfair, but you’re loosing it.

Me: I know

I don’t know what came over me. I was so tired of wanting to tell him and wanting him to understand and him never understanding. I still don’t think he understands and he thinks I’ve lost it. But my little experiment really did work! Now all I have to do is think of something that evokes the same emotion in him that I am feeling and keep tricking him into feeling. Wait, no, what I need to do is take a crazy pill and a nap, yeah…..

Needles, Sticks, and Berries

I went to my acupuncture appointment on Tuesday.  I either had a good day, or I’m getting desensitized to the needle sensation, or I’m healing, but it was the easiest session I’ve had in a while.  Only one point in my left shin gave me fits, I think it may be stomach 36.  I usually get a needle to this point because it is for phlegm which is what Chinese medicine considers the cysts associated with PCOS.   So a little pain in the shin to rid myself of cysts is worth it I’d say.  The point is also good for cold and flu symptoms and Cloudy is sick right now so hopefully it will keep me from getting sick too, Bonus!

I only know this about the stomach 36 point because my last acupuncturist was really good about telling me about every point she was treating and what it was doing for me.  She explained and talked a lot about my tongue, my pulse, the acupuncture, the herbs I was taking, the energy of certain food I should eat or shouldn’t eat.  It was like going to a class on Chinese medicine as it related to my body and my goal of getting pregnant.  This guy I am seeing now isn’t so much like that, he asks similar questions and treats similar points but it is more of him treating me and me just trusting that he knows what he is doing.  He will explain a little if I ask but it is very brief.  “What is that point for?” ” Oh that is a kidney point to stimulate kidney yang”   OK.   I think there are just as many patient types as there are practitioner types and some people probably don’t want their ears talked off, they just want to go in, relax, and come out healed.  I actually really liked all the information I used to be provided.   I do trust him and the proof is in the ovulatory pudding that he knows what he is doing, but I really like the idea of taking part in your own healing and knowledge is a huge part of that.

One place I would like a little more info on is the herbs he gives me.  He does all raw herbs imported from China and they are all in glass jars in his office with their Chinese names on them.  He measures out and mixes several herbs for my individual needs and usually gives me about a weeks’ worth at a time.  I take them all month except when I am bleeding.  So, after every appointment I leave with three or four little plastic baggies filled with what looks like handfuls of mulch and dried berries and sticks and leaves and black things.  I have to let these things simmer in water for an hour and then strain the herbs off and divide the liquid into batches that I drink 2 or three times a day.  At this week’s appointment he even gave me something called glue sticks (that look to me like dog treats) that I am supposed to melt into the liquid after I strain it off.  It’s a little weird and the teas never taste good, some of them I have to choke down.  That’s fine, all in a day’s work to get pregnant.  I just wish I knew what the heck it was that I was ingesting week to week.