Acupuncture today

When I called on Tuesday to make an appointment to get some acupuncture I had to leave a message, in my message I may have mentioned the possibility of a fertilized egg.  He knew about Bear since I had to cancel my appt last week.  When he called back he asked first about the dog, I said “he had a rough week but he is home and getting around much better now. ” His response was “it sounds like you’ve been getting around too, tell me about this fertilized egg.”  I was laughing so hard I had to pull it together and then tell him about the ‘accidental’ sex.   Luckily I thought it was funny, some women might not have taken that very well though.

Anyway I made my appt for today and it was great!  None of the needles hurt very much at all and I was so relaxed the whole time.  We worked on getting my uterus nice and strong so that it will be ready for implantation early next week and hopefully for the next 9 months. He also said I needed to keep my Kidney yang up so I was given a moxa stick to burn over some points for 10 min a day until I test.  I’m excited about that because it actually gives me something I can do, which doesn’t really put the power in my hands (I know that all too well) but it will at least act as a fun distraction for a little while.  He also gave me some teapills to take called Right Sided Replenishing pills.  I couldn’t help but google them.  I didn’t find much information on the formula but what I did find sounded good for things like kidney yang and blood nourishing, sounds like they will help me keep my energy up too which I could certainly use right now.  One cool thing that I saw was a list of ailments these teapills adress and one of the things was myasthenia gravis, which is what bear has!  I’m not brave enough to slip him any but I did think that was super interesting.  You know how one day you’ve never heard of something and then as soon as you do you see it everywhere.

I’m trying to be good about everything else as well.  I’ve been listening to my circle and bloom tracks every night before sleep.  I had a sip of Cloudy’s beer last night instead of having my own.  I am trying to be conscious about what I eat.  I’m starting to change small habits just in case.

Bear is doing really well.  We have his routine down now and even though it is a little tedious it isn’t that bad.  The hardest part has been that my activity level has dropped way off.  I usually try to get to the gym or the pool at lunch time but now I am running home everyday to dose the dog.  And I have been missing our nightly walks because Cloudy takes our other dog while I feed and walk bear around just in our yard a little bit.  He is worth it but I am missing working out….strange.

Why is 2 weeks harder than 6?

It is crazy how hard the two week wait is.  I wasn’t even expecting to be here this month but now that I am it’s all I can think about.  When I was being careful and planning for July I still had all the pains of seeing other pregnant women, seeing cute teeny tiny socks in the window at the baby store, and longing to expand our family.  It wasn’t easy but I had a plan and I felt good about it knowing that it would be here before I knew it.  The weeks were passing and 6 weeks seemed so close.  BUT NOW…..Now that I possibly have a fertilized egg rattling around in my tubes I can’t stand it.  I wan’t to know!  I want to know if I should start getting excited and scared or if I should start bracing myself for the let down, because even though we were waiting until July to try you can bet your bum that my hopes are up and it will be a let down if I get a negative test.  Speaking of tests, when I was pregnant before I waited until my temps had been up 15 days before I tested.  I kind of thought about testing earlier but I was really ok with waiting.  I figured it would be the same the next time I entered a 2 week wait, I assumed I would do just that…wait.  I am already having to talk myself out of peeing on things, just to see.  I feel nuts, I really do!  I feel like I haven’t even made it to implantation yet and I’m already planning a 1rst birthday party.  Ok it isn’t quite that bad but when friends and family are talking about plans for later this summer it instantly makes me want to count how many weeks I would be.     I adjusted my coverline and now I think I am on 4dpo.  Of course I keep comparing my temperatures to my chart from last summer that led to a pregnancy, and of course it isn’t anything like that one, but it is a good chart with a very strong ovulation which I haven’t had in the past couple months.  I want anything that points to a yes or no.  I definitely have the two week crazies.  Maybe it is the hot dry weather.  Go ahead, tell me to settle down and not put the  baby buggy before the horse, or something about counting eggs before they are hatched, some clever saying that will put me back into the patient and oblivious zone.

Home at Last

Whew, what a week.  Part of me feels like I have been in the car for 8 days straight.  I will give an update on our sweet dogie Bear and then try to give the run down of what I have been doing for the last week.  But first I want to thank all of you for your kind messages of support for Bear and our family.  I missed reading your stories and will do my best to get caught up over the next 2 or three days.  Thanks for your patience in my absence.

It turns out that Bear did not have a herniated disc.  In fact they scanned that dog from nose to tail and did not find any physical abnormality, spinal issues, or tumors anywhere.  It took two days but they finally diagnosed him with myasthenia gravis (MG).  This is an autoimmune disease that attacks the nerological system of the body and prevents the messages from getting to the muscles from the nerves.  So even though he had no pain and was trying to stand and walk his hind legs just weren’t getting the message.  Essentially his immune system was killing off the neurotransmitters that send the message.   To finally diagnose this disease they gave him a fast acting medicine and within seconds he was able to stand up and walk around.  The bad news about this fast acting drug is that it also leaves the system quickly so he was back down after 15 seconds of walking around.  To manage the disease we have to give him a slow acting version of the drug which is essentially liquid neurotransmitters, it has to be given at exactly 8 hour increments which has proven to be a scheduling nightmare so far.   He also has to be on steroids to suppress his immune system just enough to keep it from attacking himself.  There is a slight chance the disease will go into remission in 6-8 months and he can live drug free at that time.  That would be great because right now and until that time (possibly forever) we have to be at home at 4:30am 12:30pm and 8:30 pm every single day to administer his meds.

The worst part of it all is that the disease has caused his esophagus to enlarge to the point that we have to worry about him being able to swallow.  Most dogs with MG end up dying not from the disease itself but from choking or of aspiration pneumonia if their food or water get into the lungs instead of the stomach.   So that is the major thing to watch with him.  He has to eat and drink in a sitting position and sit there for 10 min afterwards to make sure everything gets to his stomach.  This means we have to feed him and give him water to make sure he can sit the whole time.  It is so hard to leave him without water all day.

He did get a slight case of pneumonia while he was at the vet that is why they kept him for a whole week to monitor him.  He is doing better now and we were able to bring him the 8 hours home last night.  We got through the night and his medicine and meals and so far he is doing great.  I know this is a lot more that most would go through for a dog but he is our child and we would do anything within our means to take care of him.  Right now he is able to walk around a little bit and go to the bathroom by himself.  He has light in his eyes and plenty of wag in his tail.  If he gets to the point that he looses his spirit we will have to make the difficult choice to ease his suffering and put him down.  But for now he is our spoiled, high maintenance, old man and we are so happy to have him with us.

The majority of the trip was spent in the car driving back and forth from my mom’s house and the vet which are an hour apart.  But I did get to go visit my grandpa who is turning 90 this year.  And I also was in my cousin’s wedding.  She is my younger cousin and we are more like sisters.  It was so beautiful and so much fun to celebrate with her.

And special news just for you ladies.  Cloudy and I got caught in a moment of passion after my cousin’s wedding and did not use a condom, the next morning my temperature spiked and has been up for three days now.  Maybe this wasn’t a practice round after all……

Road Trip to the Vet

I may only be posting sporadically this week. We spent 8 hours in the car yesterday driving our dog to the emergency room due to what we think is some sort of spinal injury. I have had my sweet dog since he was a puppy and he is now almost 9 years old. On Thursday last week we picked him up from doggie daycare only to find that he couldn’t walk.
I have to rant for a second here. I understand that it is likely his spine was instable and that this injury was going to occur whether he was with us or at day care. So, I do not blame them for it happening. However, if he had been with me when this happened I would have taken him to the vet immediately. I did not receive so much as a phone call from the daycare facility. When I went to pick him up I could tell immediately that he wasn’t able to walk. When I asked them about it they said he had seemed fine all day but had been lying in the sun all afternoon. He is a big furry man that looks like he could survive a harsh winter in the artic without so much as a thought. He does NOT look like a dog that likes to lie in the sun for hours on end! I am so angry that they didn’t notice anything was wrong, they didn’t call me, and he was in pain and unnoticed for hours.
Anyway, our local vet suspected a herniated disc but wasn’t able to confirm without MRI and there are only 3 vets in our state with an MRI machine, none of which are very close to us. So they put him on an IV heavy dose of cortisone and kept an eye on him. When he didn’t show any improvement by Sunday morning we were referred to a vet with an MRI machine to figure out what is going on. We dropped him off last night and haven’t heard anything yet. I’m losing my mind over it. Fortunately we have one of the top veterinary colleges in the country right here in our state and he is with them and their eager to learn students and top of the line equipment. We have taken pets there in the past and I know he is in good hands.
One thing it brings up for me is adoption. I have of course thought a lot about adoption since delivering a healthy baby of my own seems illusive. I have wondered if I could ever feel like an adopted baby was really mine. My pets have taught me that yes I can. My adopted fur babies look nothing like me and I feel as if I have given birth to them. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. They aren’t of course. But they are my children and I love them and would do anything for them.
The other fortunate things about having to come here in the middle of the night is that my company’s headquarters is here so I can sit at a unused desk and try to get a little work done to distract me and not have to use vacation time for this adventure. And my cousin’s wedding is on Friday and we were planning on coming up on Wednesday anyway. A very dull silver lining on the dark cloud that is my poor injured pup.

Technology

I have a push/pull, love/hate relationship with technology.  There is some really cool stuff out there.  I have an i.Phone and an i.Pad and I find myself constantly wondering what will apple come up with next?  I don’t have a face.book account but I did have a my.space back when that was cool (was that ever cool?  I don’t know), I do not tw.itter, but I do have my blog!  I am always fascinated by the latest thing in computers.  One of my fears in life is becoming the old lady that says things like “how do you work this thing?   I can’t find my contacts.   What is a cloud?”  I think maybe it is because it makes me feel young but I like to know how to do this stuff.  That being said I am quickly falling behind the times.  I don’t know anything about code writing so my blog is about as genetic as it gets.  I have downloaded about 30-35 aps on my phone but I use mmm maybe 7 of them regularly.

In the beginning I was slightly resistant to “smart” phones, I didn’t see the point.  I sit at a computer all day at work and I have a computer at home, did I really need a computer to carry with me so that I could be connected on my 20 min drive home?  But Cloudy talked me into it with this little gem, “Do you want the kids to have this stuff and be doing god knows what with it right under our noses and we won’t have a clue what they are doing because we are so far behind?”  I most Certainly Do Not want that!  So now our phones are smarter than we are and we look cool flashing them around in the grocery store with our virtual grocery list as we divide and conquer the task and our list stays synced so we don’t both come back to the cart with butter.  It’s almost like a game, Dang he just checked off broccoli, I wanted to get the broccoli, I’ll get cereal before he can get that one!  We’re pretty cool.

My other fear though…..is being that lady that can’t pull her nose away from a screen for five seconds to acknowledge a friend that has just walked in to have a cup of tea with me.  “Oh Hi Jennie, I’ll get up and give you a hug in 7 or 8 minutes when I have finished checking my email, paying my bills online, played a quick round of Sudoku, and checked my profile status”  You all know this person, every time you see them they spend more time looking at their phone, texting, and looking up facts to prove you wrong than engaging in a conversation.  I have definite potential to be this person.  I am a little bit anal about email.  I don’t like to have unread email.  If I get the beep or buzz I have to check it, just to see who it is from even.  Then I immediately want to do something with it, read it, delete it, move it to another folder.  I am queen of the neat and orderly email account.  Cloudy has some 300 unread messages!  How does he do that?! Anyway, I am constantly thinking about it.  If I have 20 sec of down time I want to check for emails, voice mails, text messages anything!!

How do you strike that balance of being plugged in and unplugged?

When Cloudy and I first got married we used to make dinner together every night and eat at the dinning room table, no tv, no phones.   It turned into eating in front of the tv when I was pregnant because I was so exhausted and so we just do it out of addiction habit.  Last night we were sitting there, munching on frozen pizza, tv on, and we were both stuck to our respective tablets.  So sad.  We weren’t even eating real food.  We have to start eating actual prepared meals at the table again!  I’m going to start tonight.

Are there any ap creators out there reading this?  If so I have some suggestions….

The ap that tracks and supposedly predicts ovulation is pretty good but this is 2012 I don’t have time to wait around for that.  I want an app that can actually make me ovulate!  It could even be a game, like collect 3 stars and an egg releases, or after defeating some out of control hormone monster the egg is free.  Oh maybe I could even get two released in a bonus twin level!

We really shouldn’t have to pee on things anymore.  I want an app that tells me I’m pregnant.  Like I could hold the phone up to my forehead and music starts playing and a giant plus sign flashes on the screen.  Please do not create one that tells me that I am NOT pregnant.

Recipe aps are nice but I want one that has dinner ready when I get home and the house vacuumed. iWife!!

Call me, I have great ideas like this every day.

Feeling – Blog Hop(e)

Month Two of the blog hop for the Lovely Dandelion Breeze

The idea is for this BlogHop to be a space to write about, and share, a post about what has helped you along your loss and/or infertility journey… a support service… a friend… a book… a song… a website/forum… any information… anything.

In addition to the amazing friends and family I wrote about last month I can look back now and see that there were a few other things that have helped me get through my loss.   They say that time heals everything.  I wouldn’t say I am completely healed but maybe I just need more time.  I can say that time has stopped the bleeding (literally and figuratively)  and gotten me to a place where I can breathe and believe.

The first day that I had an empty belly and not a pregnant one I wanted to fill it back up again.  I didn’t want the empty space and I didn’t want time.  I thought that I could escape the pain if I could fill the void.  This has always been my instinct when I have suffered a loss that comes with pain whether it be an old boyfriend, a job, the loss of a pet or grandparent.  I want to replace the old with the new as quickly as possible.   The instinct comes from fear, fear of knowing the loss and feeling the pain.  One thing I have learned in my short life is that my intuition, never works by fear.  It comes in cool, and calm, and assuredly.  If I can gauge when my desires are motivated by fear and when they are motivated by love and intuition I can make better choices.  When I have made choices motivated by fear I have always had to come back later and get my poor abandoned pain and heal it anyway.  I decided to wait until I got the message to make a baby from intuition rather than a fear run instinct.

So I gave the fear of feeling a place to rest with me but I did not give into it’s need to fill my aching empty womb.  I made space for my other feelings to rest too.  I just felt when I needed to.  I let tears and heartache come and rip through me.  I didn’t hold myself together.  I knew everyone around me would allow me to be a mess when it came and be quiet when it wasn’t there.  I sometimes gave into the idea that ice-cream or wine would make it better but i tried not to allow myself to fill the void completely with unhealthy things that would never make me whole.  I gave the pain a place but I tried not to hang out there often enough to let it start to feel like home.  I kept space for my laughter and joy and love and tried to visit there often as well.  I made room for the guilt and the anger and resentment but I made sure to enter that space while keeping the door open so that I could get back out.  Eventually I started taking down the walls between the feelings until I was left with what I have now, a big wide space where all of these feelings are together.  The pain and hurt and anger aren’t gone but we agree to live together with the joy and love and HOPE.  We agree to all move forward and see what is next.  It might make me a schizophrenic but at least I have peace and a sense of humor.

I can tell that the right time to try is around the bend because the fear of trying is getting louder than the fear of being empty.  My intuition is telling me to try anyway and to just give the fear it’s space.

Allowing myself to feel…..everything, has gotten me to a place of hope.

Sunchronicity

One thing I have always been so intrigued by is the phenomenon of women’s cycles all syncing up when they live together.   It’s one of the many amazing secrets that women have that prove how connected we really are.  I’m sure you have all heard about women whose periods come at the same time as their sister’s.  It seems to be common in dorms and roommate situations as well.   When Cloudy and I first started trying and I wasn’t having periods at all he even suggested that I move in with a bunch of women to sort me out.  When I would have girly weekends and we would pair up with roommates I always joked about sleeping in the room with anyone who was having their period so that my body might get a clue.

Ooh that reminds me of the book The Red Tent. Read It!  I read it last summer right before I got pregnant and it is such a powerful women’s tale.  I LOVE it.

Anyway, a lot of the research surrounding this synchro phenom says that it has to do with a certain scent or pheromone.  They (people of fancy colleges) have done all kinds of tests and this seems to be the ticket.  Now, I bring this up because a lot of the women whose blogs I follow are putting up CD1 posts right now with me!  Coincidence?  I mean there are a lot of women blogging about this stuff so it stands to reason that some of them would cycle at the same time I do but it really does seem crazy that it is the women I follow and follow me regularly.  And the even wilder thing about that is that we don’t all historically have regular periods.  So am I drawn to these particular ladies and their blogs because they are in sync with me or did my body sync up with theirs because of the connection I have made with them?    Something is up with this I think ladies.  We need some fancy college to study it for us.  It may be more about consciousnesses and connection than it is about pheromones unless you all have some smell widget I’m not familiar with.