Mama bear is angry

First, thank you all so much for your support yesterday.  I should’ve known that my followers would react that way because you always do.  You are always caring and supportive and I appreciate it.  That being said if I ever say something that rubs you the wrong way please do feel free to let me have it.

Today I am angry.  I have been angry all week actually.  It has been over two weeks and I still do not have my results from the MaterniT21 test.  I know that things take time and that I need to be patient, and that is what I have been trying to do but when I called on Monday to check the status I got a very upsetting response.

I started with my inept Drs office thinking maybe they had it sitting on the desk and just hadn’t gotten around to calling me.  I was told that they had been playing phone tag with the lab in CA because evidently my results were ready but they were not sent because the Diagnosis Code that was originally submitted was wrong.

Currently, in order to have this test performed you have to meet one of 4 qualifiers.  One of them being a personal history of a pregnancy with a genetic abnormality.  Yep that’s me.  But my doctors office did not check this box.  They did not check any of the 4 boxes actually.  They just wrote in their own excuse.  “Pregnancy with other poor obstetric history”  Ok fine, this description kind of covers it I guess, but why would they think it is better than the one on the paper already? The one that states that I have been through this exact crap before and I want to know sooner this time around!?  Oh right inept, I forgot.

Mistakes are made I get it, but how long does it take to call them and give them the right code?  It’s going on six days now.  SO I have to call my doctors office (multiple times until someone answers) leave a message for the doctor and then several hours later a nurse calls me back.  Even though I have specifically asked the doctor to call me back.  The nurse explains that they are trying to take care of it and have left a message with the woman from the lab that called them but aren’t getting any response from her.   THEN CALL SOMEONE ELSE AT THE LAB!

I called the lab directly to see if they could tell me anything.  They give me a slightly different story.  That my results have already been sent out via fax.  What?  They of course cannot tell me anything because they can only release results to the perscibing physician.  But they had no problem charging my credit card directly without billing through my drs office.   Yeah I saw the charge on my credit card statement yesterday.

So not only has the test been run, the results are in, but I have already paid for it!  But I still can’t get the results or a straight reason as to why or where they are!

If I don’t get a satisfactory call this morning I might just have to go into the office and ask what we need to do to settle this today.  I’d be happy to make calls or check the fax machine for them if they cannot handle it.

And I’ll tell you one more thing.  I hope like hell that the results say that everything is fine.  Because if someone has known that I am carrying a baby with a problem and they have refused to tell me for a week because they don’t have the right box checked I might just buy a gun, or hire a lawyer or both!

Oh yeah, I have mama bear syndrome bad!

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One step down a long hard road

My alarm went off at 5:00am as it usually does to take my temperature.  Of course, since it’s test day, my eyes popped wide open and I hurriedly stuck the thermometer in my mouth.  I took it twice because my temp was down about 3 tenths of a degree this morning to 98.04.  Still way above my coverline but I still panicked.  Why is it lower?

I laid there for a few moments trying to talk myself down and convince myself that I could go back to sleep and everything was fine; I could test at a reasonable hour.  You know, like when the sun is up.

Yeah right.  Seconds later I was in the bathroom ripping open a test and peeing on it.  I did not cover it up and turn a away for three minutes.  I stared that thing down, I was glued to it like a car crash.  Within fairly short order my heart stopped, my breath caught, I may have even gone deaf for a minute.  I had two lines!

I just sat there for a little while.  I didn’t know how to feel.  I didn’t scream out with joy.  I didn’t jump up and down.  I just sat there and tried to take in what this means.

Eventually I walked back into the bedroom and heard a muffled Cloudy voice from under the covers.

“What did it say?”         “Um……it says I pregnant”       “Yay!!!  That is great!      Right?”     “Yeah I guess it is.    I hope we get a baby this time.  I think I am mostly scared, and kind of shocked, and then…..a little excited.”

Then we just laid there in silence for a while.

So yes I am very excited that I have been given those beautiful elusive pink lines.  The lines that promise me a chance, but not the promise of happy healthy baby in June, just a chance.  I’ll take it.

I have been trying all morning to figure out what to say to you all about this.   I know you will all take this differently depending on your own story and how long you have been invested in mine.  I know that this type of thing is both hard to hear and  hopefully somewhat encouraging.  I have followed certain bloggers completely in love and in support of their pregnancy.  Others I have had to stop reading upon a pregnancy announcement because I wasn’t in a good place.  I am having my own crazy emotional smorgasbord about this news and it won’t surprise me or hurt my feelings if your emotions run the gamut as well.

Just know this.  I am still invested in your stories and your lives.  I still want to read updates about all of you and your trials and tribulations, as well as your successes.  I will not be hurt if you stop reading my posts or leaving comments.  I get it.

That being said, regardless of what you do about my blog, keep writing yours.  I think it is the cure.  I believe we can all help heal each other.

I Love you guys!!!

Broken, Breaking Down

My temp was down about halfway on Saturday morning and then took the big plummet Sunday morning.  I take my temperature at 5:00 every morning and then get up to give the dog his first dose of medication.  When I saw that 97.28 I knew that it was over and that saturday’s drop was not a fluke.  I fed the dog his breakfast and pills as I sat sobbing on the living room floor.  I don’t usually react this strongly but it just came and wouldn’t stop.  Cloudy heard me and came down and held me as I cried on the floor. 

I was hoping that I was being super emotional because it was early and I was tired so I went back to bed.  When I woke up again at 8:00 the same scene ensued only I wasn’t on the floor this time.  I pretty much cried all day yesterday and my eyes are tearing up now just thinking about it. 

Crying because I’m not pregnant.  And crying because this time last year I was!  I was pregnant, I made it past the dreaded 12 week miscarriage window and I am supossed to be a mom right now.  But I am not.  I’m just a tired stressed crazy person (sounds like a mom but you don’t get the tiny cuddles at the end of the day that make it all worth it)  I am so sad that my baby’s life was so short that I never got to meet her/him.  And I am so mad that here I am two years after we started trying, still no baby. 

I can usually take the hit with a lot more courage and optimisim.  But the start of this cycle just feels like a continuation of my doom. 

One thought that keeps popping into my head is that I am such a rookie.  All I have done is try a ton of supplements and herbs and needles.  All I have done is monitor my bbt and have sex with my husband.  And frankly I am over it.  I don’t want to try anymore.  Of course I will keep trying but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to take my temperature every morning for months on end just to know that I’m not pregnant.  Honestly, I don’t even want to have sex with my husband anymore because it feels like non-alcoholic beer (what’s the point right?) 

We were able to get a house to rent in the town we are moving to and I was so excited about it and now I don’t want to move into a place with more bedrooms than my broken uterus can fill. 

And I’m a f’ing rookie.  So many of you have done so much more for so much longer.  I can’t help but think about the women who have put themselves through multiple IVFs.  I can’t help but think about the women who have spent 10 or more years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to grow their families. 

You ladies are warriors and I’m an f’ing rookie and I want to quit.  I want to just sit on the floor with my dog and sob and give up. 

Cycle day 2, whoo hoo!

 
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That settles it.

This has nothing to do with my fertility but everything to do with my feelings and my relationship lately.

I have mentioned that Cloudy applied for a promotion within our organization but that we would have to move if he gets it.  It takes forever for the system to churn out an answer so we have been in limbo for several months now.  We knew that the guy was retiring in May and that the position would be made promotional from inside only and Cloudy wanted to go for it.

He made this decision because even though we really love where we live (like can’t think of a place more perfect for us)  his current position is a lot of work.  He basically runs a program by himself and it gets to be too much sometimes.  He is always stressed about work.  This new job would be more money and about the same amount of responsibility but he would have help.  He would basically be supervising several people doing the projects instead of doing them all by himself.

The position is in a town that is a few hours from here and not nearly as nice.  Right now Cloudy can roll out the back door to mountain biking and snowboarding (the two things he loves more than me).  And in the new location these things would be 30-60 minute drives away.

In the new town, I’m not sure how easy it would be to find like minded people.  We are vegetarians, we compost and recycle, things like this.  I think we will be considered weird hippies in the new town.  I don’t think everyone should be the same but it is so nice if you can at least know a few like minded people.  I am more afraid of not being accepted than not accepting the people around us.

And then there is the place to live situation.  I own a house where we live now and one 6 hours away that I rent out.  Neither one can sell for what I owe on them so we would have them both rented.  I think we would both be pretty nervous about a 3rd mortgage so we would need to find a place we could rent that would take our 2 dogs and 2 cats (impossible!)

I would be giving up my yoga teaching opportunity here which I love!  There is no studio in the new town so it may be an opportunity to capture the market but, there may not be any market out there, and I don’t want to start anything crazy.  I just want my 2 classes a week like I have now.

So why the heck would we go?

Cloudy would make more money and have more job satisfaction.  The cost of living is significantly lower and we could save a bunch of money (assuming we aren’t traveling every weekend because we hate it there:).  This would allow me to work part time or even quit if when we have kids.

It would free up a lot of obligations we currently have and we would have more time to just enjoy living.

And I like change, for the sake of change.  I really do, it holds so much promise.

Anyway, all of this is to say that for the last few months I have been on pins and needles wondering what our life holds for us in the near future.  My emotions have run the gamut from being excited about moving to being really sad about leaving.  And the not knowing has made me an obsessive nervous  wreck.  I worry about being resentful that we made this move for Cloudy’s job but I hate it there, and I have worried about him never enjoying the amazing place we live if we stay because his job is consuming him.

Until….  I came to the conclusion that I can be happy either way and I can be miserable either way.  It’s up to me!  If he gets the job I can be excited about the change and the possibility of a different wonderful life.  And if he doesn’t we can stay here and I will have a new found appreciation of the amazing place that we live.

It’s a great place to be when you can be happy with door #1 or door #2.  How freeing.  Now if I could just help Cloudy realize this and help set him free.

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A little makeup

When I am feeling crappy about something in my life, I like to take a little extra time picking out my clothes, style my hair, and throw on a little makeup.  I think the extra time taking care of my self boosts my mood and looking good definitely helps me to feel good.  I had to do that this morning.  I have on some of my favorite pants and a new shirt.   I took the extra time to blow dry my hair and put on a little makeup.  I did all this depiste wednesday being my early day (I teach a 6:30-7:30am yoga class on Wednesdays).  I look pretty good, and I feel a little better.   Look I even gave the blog a face lift!  Maybe that will be enough to boost me back into loving the life I already have.

Let me first give props to the amazing Fran at small bird studios for creating my sweet new header.  She was great to work with and put up with my endless nick-pickyness.  In the beginning I had no idea what I wanted and by the end I got exactly what I wanted.  I hope some of you will consider working with her if you want to jazz up your blog face!  The header was a prize for participating in the lovely Ms. Breeze’s blog hop.  Thank you Dandelion!!  I am not sure what to use for the background so I will use these little circles for now, but I may play with it and see what I like.

And now I will get into why I feel so crappy, and why I don’t think the makeup will be enough to get me through this day without crying or biting someone’s head off.  My ovaries and I had a fight.  I don’t know what it was about or when it happened but I do know for sure that they are mad and giving me the silent treatment.   I still have not ovulated.  It’s day 19 or 20, I don’t even know anymore.  I have not had any EWCM and my temps are all over the board.  It was just above my normal coverline yesterday and now it is back under.  My ovaries have been hurting since Friday, I usually get a little twinge of pain around ovulation so I was hopeful over the weekend.  But now it’s been six days of this pain and no spike in temperature.  BBT has been 100% reliable for me in showing if I ovulated or not so I think I am just screwed.  I don’t know if I am building up cysts in there or what.  I am at a loss, I don’t know what the heck to do.  I think I might call my previous acupuncture practitioner, I know she is back in town and hopefully she is seeing patients again.  The new guy is ok but she and I had it dialed when I worked with her last year.  She got where with a certain combination of herbs and needles she could basically produce an egg right there on the table!  Ok, it wasn’t that good, but we did have a pretty narrowed down regimen after months of trial and error.   I was regular and happy and I did get pregnant.  I’m sure this new guy could do the same thing but I don’t want months of trial and error.  I only started seeing him because needle lady left town for a few months.  I think about breaking up with him but then I start to worry that the success last time was just a fluke.   And in all honesty I have been a little lazy in taking my supplements and I have snuck a little bit of sugar in pretty much every day.

Part of me wonders if it really is the stress of trying.  When we were not trying and using condoms I was also lazy about my supplements and ate sugar like breathing and I ovulated on time every month plus or minus a few days.  But now!  Now that I am trying again the eggs are refusing to come out and play.

What ever I did ovaries I’m sorry!!  I really really am.  Look I made your blog pretty, can I have an egg now, pretty please?

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We had a great time but…

Well we headed off on Thursday night and we had a wonderful time.  It wasn’t long before we were both relaxed and just taking in the scenery around us.  We stopped in some little towns we never take the time to stop in and checked them out.  We strolled through downtowns and mountains covered in wildflowers.  We ate when and where we wanted to, we slept when and where we wanted to, it was marvelous.  We even took turns seducing each other and totally broke the every other day rule and made love for four days straight while driving through our gorgeous state.   We let ourselves day dream about taking our children camping.  It was so much fun.  It was enough even if nothing comes of the trip……

Because I did not ovulate!!  No egg white cervical mucus, no spike in my BBT.   What the?  I know, I know.  I was silly to expect that to happen sometime between cycle day 12 and 17.  Why would it?  Why would I expect it to be in the medical range of “normal”?  Why would I think the licorice root would do something magical?  I mean I have ovulated within that range;  4 times in my entire life to be exact, isn’t that enough to expect some normalcy??    Evidently not.

I was joking when I suggested to Cloudy that we just keep driving and camping until I did ovulate.  I was mostly joking,  I think that would actually be amazing.  The problem being one small pesky thing, OUR JOBS!  Oh yeah, we had to return home at or regularly scheduled time because our jobs are certainly not willing to wait for me to ovulate.

So back to real life it is.  It was not a waste because we had a great time.  And we will continue to have sex this week at a modest every other day.  And I will keep you posted.  The good news of course being that I have managed to put off the dreaded two week wait a few extra days and I get the lovely bonus of a few extra days of estrogen in my system (which I am definitely starting to suspect I am addicted too).

Stay tuned, I can only check my thermometer once a day.  Maybe if I pee on it…..

Temperature Plummet – Conception Fail

Well I guess that says it all, I’m out too.  I wasn’t expecting this until Sunday so it came as a shock when my temperature was 97.20 this morning.  That is well below the 97.7 I had yesterday and my coverline.  So no more guessing.  Just to be sure, I did waste a test and got a single line.  I’m bummed, I’m trying not to be, I know that we hadn’t planned to start trying until July but I am sad anyway.  I guess I can really stick it to those fertiles today though.   Their advice to  “just relax, it will happen when you aren’t trying.  Just have a few drinks at your cousin’s wedding, ‘forget’ your condom and see what happens. ”  Well I did all that, I even got nervous afterwards like, oh what did we just do we weren’t ready for this.   No need to worry here, that egg is as good as gone!   I think Flo might even feel a little shameful as she hasn’t popped in to say hello but I’m sure it is only a matter of hours.  I have the Diva cup in it’s cute purple and pink pouch waiting her arrival.

I was thinking that I would have myself a nice glass of wine with my breakfast  Friday evening but now I am even considering withholding that pleasure from myself.  When I was in this same boat of trying to concieve last year, my naturopath, acupuncturist, and even Randine Lewis, stongly suggested that I cut out all sugars if I wanted to get pregnant.  All of it, ice cream, white bread, cookies, alcohol, all of it.  And so I did.  I eliminated all processed sugar from my diet and I got pregnant two weeks later.  I want that again, I don’t know if sugar has anything to do with it or not but I have to try it.  So, that means that the bottle of white I put in the fridge this morning will have to wait, and that tub of chocolate ganache icecream will have to wait to.  That’s almost as depressing as not being pregnant.  Damn PCOS and Damn this maternal drive that won’t let me enjoy my baby free life any longer.  Part of me wants to think that because I have been ovulating on my own that that is a sign that I am doing enough right and part of me just doesn’t want to take any chances.   And, I really do have a sugar appreciation addiction.

On the plus side you girls are right.  Thank you so much for all the kind words and support yesterday.  It really was a great cycle, and I did ovulate which is not something that used to come easily to me.  Since I ended my pregnancy I have had 7 cycles and 4 of them have been under 30 days in length and the other 3 were 36 days or less.  This is unprecedented in my body and I do have faith that it will keep happening and that I will have a chance to get pregnant every month instead of once a year (if I was lucky) like before.  It doesn’t come easy, I have to be pretty religious about my herbs and vitamins and acupuncture and everything else.  But so far I have not had to resort to some of the more advanced or extreme measures that a lot of you have gone through.  So I do consider my self lucky in that regard.  But I still feel sad and mad that I am not pregnant today.

I got a reprieve from the 2ww a couple days early (not even going to think about if 12 days is a short luteal phase or not).  So the crazies can stop and the crying can come and then it can go.  Come on Flo, let’s get in there and give the uterus a good cleaning so that we can try again.