Perfect Book

I am one of those people that thinks that there is a perfect book for everything.  I have to really limit my trips to the book store (much like the dog shelter) because I will come out with everything.  I love adopting books!  I try to just keep it to the library, especially after just having to move boxes of books.  But sometimes I just can’t help it.  I am drawn into a bookstore and inevitably several books inside.

I don’t even always read the books I buy.  I buy them because they are pretty or they look like something I should read or something I might need someday.

One such purchased but never read books I have is Comfortable with Uncertainly by Pema Chodron

click image for source

As I was unpacking some books last night, I came across this little gem and it seemed to leap into my hands and say “READ ME”

I am definitely in a time of uncertainty and I am trying to find comfort in that.  What better way than with “108 teachings on cultivating fearlessness and compassion”?

So I will read a teaching each day and try to incorporate it into my living breathing life.  I will share the good parts with you guys!

The first teaching is titled The Love That Will Not Die.  Let’s all say it together “HOW APPROPRIATE”

Ok, I’m going to spend my lunch hour reading.  Ta ta for now.

Moving is an excellent distraction

Along with trying to move in the next three weeks we are trying to get our house spiffed up for either new buyers or tennants.  And by spiffed up I pretty much mean remodeled.  We tore the whole bathroom apart over the long US holiday weekend and were not able to get it back together again so I stayed home yesterday while two plubmers put it back together for us.  We are furiously painting, ordering carpet, and finishing up all the projects we started over the years but never finished.  And I must say, the house is looking awesome! 

Because of all of that, the last two weeks have been a fury of work and decision making and stress eyeball.  Maybe the hardest two weeks I have had in a little while.  BUT!  It has been the fastest and easiest two week wait ever.  Here I am 11 days past ovulation and it is the first time I have thought about it in several days.  I actually had to enter the last 4 days of temperatures into my BBT this morning.  (I use my phone for my alarm every day so when it goes off I record my temerature in my calendar app and then usually enter it into my chart once I’ve had a cup of tea and am awake  enough to make sense of it all)  And here we are already on the verge of another weekend which will be filled with work and distraction and then I will test on Monday if my temp is still up and my period hasn’t come. 

I am pulling my hair out with all we have to do in the next few weeks but I am also so grateful to be crazy about something else for a change!

10 Distractions

I am in the home stretch (what does that mean?) It’s test eve, I have successfully managed to change my plan of testing on monday, to sunday, to tomorrow! SO I have about 20 hrs left to distract myself and I am going to make a list of things to keep me busy until then.

There are several things I could do…

  • plan healthy meals for next week and make a grocery list
  • actually focus at my job
  • study for my impending professional licensing test
  • pick the cat hair off of my pants one at a time

But let’s not kid ourselves, I will most likely not do any of those things today.   Here are some better ideas.

    1. research any and all ways to incorporate chocolate into my weight loss program
    2. an hour of yoga and breathing exercises
    3. take my time picking out the perfect bottle of red and white wine (if I’m not pregnant i’ll be prepared and if I am, I can take them to my girlfriend’s get together Saturday night)
    4. comb through the library shelves and check out 4 or 5 books even though I usually only read one before they are due back, ooh I should get some audio books too
    5. watch the Jamaican’s run their asses off and stare in amazement (I was a sprinter in highschool and did decent for a white girl so watching these guys smash world records is pretty amazing to me)
    6. look at every pee stick and BBT chart of every woman before me to see if anyone has one exactly like mine
    7. print out colored photos of everyone mentioned in Jenny’s Do Him List and hang them on my cubicle wall so that I can narrow it down to 5 once and for all
    8. throw an impromptu dance party for one, or two if Cloudy seems game
    9. eat a really fattening delicious meal, because hey there is a very small chance that I am pregnant and the baby (a few cells big at this point) will surely need the extra calories today
    10. sleep (oh please let me sleep tonight, waking up to pee tomorrow is like going to Disney Land)

I have acupuncture today too!  that will help.  Any other ideas?  What am I missing?

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Feeling – Blog Hop(e)

Month Two of the blog hop for the Lovely Dandelion Breeze

The idea is for this BlogHop to be a space to write about, and share, a post about what has helped you along your loss and/or infertility journey… a support service… a friend… a book… a song… a website/forum… any information… anything.

In addition to the amazing friends and family I wrote about last month I can look back now and see that there were a few other things that have helped me get through my loss.   They say that time heals everything.  I wouldn’t say I am completely healed but maybe I just need more time.  I can say that time has stopped the bleeding (literally and figuratively)  and gotten me to a place where I can breathe and believe.

The first day that I had an empty belly and not a pregnant one I wanted to fill it back up again.  I didn’t want the empty space and I didn’t want time.  I thought that I could escape the pain if I could fill the void.  This has always been my instinct when I have suffered a loss that comes with pain whether it be an old boyfriend, a job, the loss of a pet or grandparent.  I want to replace the old with the new as quickly as possible.   The instinct comes from fear, fear of knowing the loss and feeling the pain.  One thing I have learned in my short life is that my intuition, never works by fear.  It comes in cool, and calm, and assuredly.  If I can gauge when my desires are motivated by fear and when they are motivated by love and intuition I can make better choices.  When I have made choices motivated by fear I have always had to come back later and get my poor abandoned pain and heal it anyway.  I decided to wait until I got the message to make a baby from intuition rather than a fear run instinct.

So I gave the fear of feeling a place to rest with me but I did not give into it’s need to fill my aching empty womb.  I made space for my other feelings to rest too.  I just felt when I needed to.  I let tears and heartache come and rip through me.  I didn’t hold myself together.  I knew everyone around me would allow me to be a mess when it came and be quiet when it wasn’t there.  I sometimes gave into the idea that ice-cream or wine would make it better but i tried not to allow myself to fill the void completely with unhealthy things that would never make me whole.  I gave the pain a place but I tried not to hang out there often enough to let it start to feel like home.  I kept space for my laughter and joy and love and tried to visit there often as well.  I made room for the guilt and the anger and resentment but I made sure to enter that space while keeping the door open so that I could get back out.  Eventually I started taking down the walls between the feelings until I was left with what I have now, a big wide space where all of these feelings are together.  The pain and hurt and anger aren’t gone but we agree to live together with the joy and love and HOPE.  We agree to all move forward and see what is next.  It might make me a schizophrenic but at least I have peace and a sense of humor.

I can tell that the right time to try is around the bend because the fear of trying is getting louder than the fear of being empty.  My intuition is telling me to try anyway and to just give the fear it’s space.

Allowing myself to feel…..everything, has gotten me to a place of hope.

My New Anthem

I was listening to the Jessica Sonner station on Pandora the other night while cooking dinner and if you’ve never heard of her you should check her out. Anyway, this Joshua Radin song came on and it grabbed ahold of my heart.

No Envy, No Fear. What a powerful set of words for me right now, since I have plenty of both. Now, every time I see a woman with a baby bump or a dad with a new stroller I try to remember the lyrics of this song. And every time I let fear of a new pregnancy creep in I sing it even louder.

What music is relating to your life and getting you through these days?