We’re Moving!

It’s official we are moving.  Cloudy has an offer and it is a good one.  They are also going to let me keep my same position and work remotely!

He starts september 15 and we will likely move October 1.  I just checked and that is a Monday which is not ideal as far as moving goes…

I know it will be stressful because moving always is.  We have to get our house in good shape and find someone to rent it.  And we have to find someplace to move into that will take our two dogs and two cats.  But that is standard for moving and people make this work all the time so I’m sure we will be fine.

I will miss a lot of things about where I live.  It’s a place that most people only come to on vacation , it is beautiful and home to everything fun outdoors.  I think most I will miss my friends and teaching yoga. 

There are some great things to look forward to in the new location though.  The thing I am most excited about is that we have decided to commit to making our new lives as simple as we can and we will be able to save money every month! 

On the fertility front I am 3dpo and keeping myself calm.  I WILL NOT be testing early.  I feel good right now, altough it is week two that usually gets me.

On the gluten front I am doing really well and feeling a whole lot better.  I have to admit it is really hard for me to say no but with the exception of pancakes last saturday I am managing.  (Those pancakes were totally worth it!)

Back Off Blogger

Dear Blogger,

You are home to some very awesome blogs.  Blogs that I love to read.  Blogs that I desire to comment on.  How can i give proper support to those in my inner circle if you keep pushing me out?!   I am happy and bright, but I will burn you if you don’t let me comment!   Please!

Love, Sunshine

Sorry ladies I notice that my commenting skills are like my ovulation skills.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doens’t, regardless of my efforts.   Please know that I am doing my best to get through to you with a kind and supportive if not hilarious and poignant comment. 

(seriously blogger, I’m making mad face at you!)

The Unknown

aka: the Uncomfortable

I am not very good at being uncomfortable.  When the waters are murky is would be best to sit still and let the water clear.  But I can’t sit still.  I thrash about, I flail my arms and shift my weight and try to force the water to clear.  I know when I’m doing it that I won’t get any answers until there are clear answers to have.  I can’t stand being uncomfortable, I can’t stand not knowing!  I can recognize that I am just thrashing around and not getting myself to the answers any faster. 

I need to learn to sit still in the unknown murky water.  I need to breathe and trust that the next breath will come.  I need to have faith, not faith that something outside of myself will give me the answers I want, but faith that the water will clear and that because of something within myself  I will be ok with whatever the answer is. 

When I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, nothing is changing and life is predictable.  I feel that way before ovulation.  Safe and comfortable because I know that I am not pregnant and my life is not changing.  Nothing is lettting me down because nothing has happened yet.  Even though what I really want, more than anything, is to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I feel best before ovulation.  When nothing is happening and everything is known.  As soon as that egg releases, the waters cloud and I flail in the unknown.  Did I have sex enough, is the egg healthy, is the sperm healthy, is my temperature changing enough, is anything enough?! 

What stands between safe and a new life, is two weeks of the unknown.  Two weeks of murky water and being uncomfortable.  I can say no, I can stay where I “know” and I am safe, where I have no baby.  Or I can get in the muck.

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Men are Easy

Happy Monday Morning!

This weekend we worked around the house trying to make progress on the 70 or so house projects we have started but not finished over the last three years.  We are masters of picking  a project, making a supplies list, and spending a ton of money at the home improvement box store.  We are also really great at taking things apart, tearing things down, and cutting holes in things.  We are not so good at taking a project to completion.  But this weekend we made plenty of headway.  Upstairs in our house we have two bedrooms and a bathroom.  And it is almost completely remodeled!  All we have left now is new carpet (which I will gladly pick out and then pay someone else to install)  and new tile in the bathroom (which we can hopefully get to next weekend)  But it looks so amazing up there!  We put the finishing touches on the three closets we built, put the last bit of paint on the walls, and finally finished putting up all new trim.  These three things have been in various stages of completion for about a year now.  We also started painting the living room and ripping out the old trim to also be replaced.  I even took our ceiling fans down and spray-painted them and they look fantastic!  It feels good to be getting things done.

Anyway, back to the men are easy part. …

I usually have some pain or tenderness in my ovaries around ovulation and on saturday it was in full swing.  Little pangs here and there, first the left side and then the right.  That is weird because it is generally just one sided.  Anywhoo I was excited about this pain because it was day 13!  How awesome and fertile that makes me sound.  I had already informed Cloudy that he would be getting lucky every night this weekend and he was happy to play along. 

In the middle of painting and Cloudy sawing and nailing I went to the bathroom and noticed a copious amount of egg white cervical mucus.  I pondered for a moment putting on pretty panties and seducing my husband but instead I went for the less subtle approach.

Sunshine:  “hey, my ovaries hurt and my mucus is egg whitey.  I think we should do it right now” 

Cloudy: “really, right now?”  hammer in hand

Sunshine: “yep, is that too much pressure?”

Cloudy: “nope”

The clothes come off.  Men are easy.  That line would’ve never worked on a woman! 

We did it friday night and last night too for good measure.  Lo and behold my temperature was up today!  Yes, let the waiting commence.

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Where’d I go?

I got a loving reminder that I haven’t been posting and then I looked and I see it’s been six days! Six Days! And I think, whoa, what have I been doing for six days?!
I seriously can’t think of anything that has happened to me in the last week. I mean, I didn’t fall and hit my head or anything, I can remember the last six days, I just have not had one interesting thing happen to me. Lame, I know.

So to make up for my disappearance I will give you an update and a funny video.

I am still living in the same place and have no news on if we will be moving or not. Cloudy has his final interview on Friday and I hope we will know by September 1. I have given up stressing about it though!

I think gluten makes me gassy. I have been fighting the idea of gluten sensitivity for a while now because I can’t imagine a life without bread and pasta. But well, I may have to face the wheaty music. In order to keep my brain and stomach from throwing themselves on the ground in a full on feet kicking, fist pounding, temper tantrum protest. I am starting with one day. Not a lifetime without real cookies and birthday cake and garlic bread and fried breaded cheese and mmmm…. maybe I’ve been in a gluten coma for six days. Anyway, just one day. A realistic goal. Maybe I will do it tomorrow too if all is going well but I don’t want to rush into anything. 🙂

I am on cycle day 10 today. I had a nice normal period without too much discomfort on my or Cloudy’s part. I had one high temp spike but other than that I have had nice beautiful low follicular phase temps. And I am hoping to see that egg white stuff any day now. I’m revving up for a week of sex and I hate that I have to talk myself into it but I’m sure it will be great!!

Mr needles is taking this very personally now.  When I went in last time and reported that I was not in fact pregnant, he hit his knees with balled up fists;  very disappointed!  He declared that “this WILL be the month”.  He looked to be paying extra attention to every needle and  double checked my herb prescription twice, making sure every twig and berry weighed just the right amount.  I have to admit, I like it.  I like that I can let him worry about it for a cycle.  We have it planned out to get the yang herbs going on day 12 so as not to put off ovulation so long this time.  We have a plan and we are ready.  Me and these two guys are getting pregnant!     And that is about all there is my beautiful friends.     Now that my brain is clearing from my gluten free breakfast I will get back on track and can’t wait to see how all of you are doing, because I miss the reading even more than the writing.  Love you guys!

Oh geez I almost forgot the funny video!! Something really is up, I am super flakey right now…..
Enjoy. Even if you’ve seen it it might make for more laughs, it had me crying I was laughing so hard this morning

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That settles it.

This has nothing to do with my fertility but everything to do with my feelings and my relationship lately.

I have mentioned that Cloudy applied for a promotion within our organization but that we would have to move if he gets it.  It takes forever for the system to churn out an answer so we have been in limbo for several months now.  We knew that the guy was retiring in May and that the position would be made promotional from inside only and Cloudy wanted to go for it.

He made this decision because even though we really love where we live (like can’t think of a place more perfect for us)  his current position is a lot of work.  He basically runs a program by himself and it gets to be too much sometimes.  He is always stressed about work.  This new job would be more money and about the same amount of responsibility but he would have help.  He would basically be supervising several people doing the projects instead of doing them all by himself.

The position is in a town that is a few hours from here and not nearly as nice.  Right now Cloudy can roll out the back door to mountain biking and snowboarding (the two things he loves more than me).  And in the new location these things would be 30-60 minute drives away.

In the new town, I’m not sure how easy it would be to find like minded people.  We are vegetarians, we compost and recycle, things like this.  I think we will be considered weird hippies in the new town.  I don’t think everyone should be the same but it is so nice if you can at least know a few like minded people.  I am more afraid of not being accepted than not accepting the people around us.

And then there is the place to live situation.  I own a house where we live now and one 6 hours away that I rent out.  Neither one can sell for what I owe on them so we would have them both rented.  I think we would both be pretty nervous about a 3rd mortgage so we would need to find a place we could rent that would take our 2 dogs and 2 cats (impossible!)

I would be giving up my yoga teaching opportunity here which I love!  There is no studio in the new town so it may be an opportunity to capture the market but, there may not be any market out there, and I don’t want to start anything crazy.  I just want my 2 classes a week like I have now.

So why the heck would we go?

Cloudy would make more money and have more job satisfaction.  The cost of living is significantly lower and we could save a bunch of money (assuming we aren’t traveling every weekend because we hate it there:).  This would allow me to work part time or even quit if when we have kids.

It would free up a lot of obligations we currently have and we would have more time to just enjoy living.

And I like change, for the sake of change.  I really do, it holds so much promise.

Anyway, all of this is to say that for the last few months I have been on pins and needles wondering what our life holds for us in the near future.  My emotions have run the gamut from being excited about moving to being really sad about leaving.  And the not knowing has made me an obsessive nervous  wreck.  I worry about being resentful that we made this move for Cloudy’s job but I hate it there, and I have worried about him never enjoying the amazing place we live if we stay because his job is consuming him.

Until….  I came to the conclusion that I can be happy either way and I can be miserable either way.  It’s up to me!  If he gets the job I can be excited about the change and the possibility of a different wonderful life.  And if he doesn’t we can stay here and I will have a new found appreciation of the amazing place that we live.

It’s a great place to be when you can be happy with door #1 or door #2.  How freeing.  Now if I could just help Cloudy realize this and help set him free.

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What time is the next bus to crazy?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

Here we go again.  Another cycle, another chance to do all the same stuff as last month and expect a different result.

I’ll order myself a nice purple fleece straight jacket after I write this post.

It does feel a little bit crazy to be starting this all over again.  Pretending I have to do all the stuff  “that works”  when I actually have no idea what works.

Oh well.  Give me those needles!  Give me the herbs!  Surely it will work this time.

Maybe the real crazy part is that I do believe it will work.  I do feel hopeful that my turn is right around the corner.  I don’t feel anxious or hopeless.  I just feel like I will do what I can to make sure I ovulate and then we will make it happen.

On another note.  See how nice my post is broken into two sentence paragraphs?

A co-worker politely pointed out to me that I write run-on paragraphs.  I just keep writing and writing and forget to push enter (return).  He was only able to get a few lines into my very long winded email before he found his way to my cubicle to offer help.

Now I notice that yes! I do write like that.  Like everything is just another journal entry where I am just thought dumping.  And as fun as it is to read someone’s private journal.  It turns out no one wants to read my incoherent thought dumps.

So now I am trying.  I am still dumping my every thought but I just hit Enter after every few periods.

He said something about a thesis statement…

Maybe I should stop googleing herbs for getting a baby today!  and start looking for an online writing class.

No I didn’t take a writing class in college, but I can tell you anything you want to know about concrete!

Thanks for reading!  Hopefully I will learn a lot and only get better at writing things others actually have to read.

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