I’m out for a bit.

Hi Friends. I won’t be around the internets for a week or so. I am heading out this afternoon to go to the big city. I am taking my 8 hour professional engineering licensing exam tomorrow, yay!! No, really I am not looking forward to it at all.  I did break down and call the Doc and had her call in a Rx for anti nausea meds.  That’s right the ill is back!  But sitting and answering 80 questions about highway design and bridge loading while thinking about blowing chunks is not my ideal day.  So I’m taking the drugs.

Saturday we are flying to Wisconsin to hang out with some of Cloudy’s friends and family.  Going to the Packer Game on Sunday and taking the niece and nephews trick-or-treating on Wednesday.  I’ll be home next Thursday night though so I will be all up in your business again very soon.

Love you guys!!

Hang on Hangover

I know that in my given state of pregnancy I should be nothing but elated.  Sadly I am not.  I am still that person that wants something to be easy.

I felt like crap all weekend.  It felt like I should only have hazy black out memories of a really crazy party Friday night.  But Friday night consisted of dinner with Cloudy, Love It or List It reruns, and an early bedtime.  I slept in late on Saturday and still when I got out of bed it was like I had the worst hangover of my life.  I stayed on the couch most of the weekend.

Can you nominate your own husband for Man of the Year?  If so I’d like to nominate Cloudy.  He brought me fruit in bed in the mornings because citrus and grapes seem to be the only thing that make me feel better.   He did all of our laundry, dishes, and vacuuming.  He filled my water glass and apologized that I was feeling so crappy.  He even let me moan out directions on how to make my favorite soup and he made it.  And I took two bites and changed my mind.  All this while letting me hog the tv to get caught up on the Real Housewives of NJ reunions!    He is being very loving and supportive and I love him for it.

Yesterday I felt a little better and spent the day at work studying for my huge 8 hour exam coming up this Friday.  We even went after work to try out a new gym.  We did a circuit class and it was fun.  It did make me light headed, nauseous, and burpy though so I think I may have over done it.  I devoured half a pizza when we got home and went right to bed.

I want a baby.  I really really do.  My body has a physical reaction when I see babies that feels like my uterus trying to turn inside out and grab one.  I think it will be really cool if we can have one that is made out of bits of me and Cloudy.  And I admit that I have been doing everything in my power to get myself knocked up.  And now here I am.  I got what I asked for and I am not loving it.  I was here once before.  I did the weeks of sickness and was happy to have it because I was pregnant.  But I won’t be fooled this time.  I will not enjoy my morning sickness if it does not come with a guarantee!

So of course,  I wake up today and I feel fine.  Totally fine.  No sickness no nothing.  So of course,  I am freaking out.

One week down, three to go until my first ultrasound.  How am I doing?   I am a freaking basket case.     Hang on hangover, maybe I want you to stick around after all.

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Perfect Book

I am one of those people that thinks that there is a perfect book for everything.  I have to really limit my trips to the book store (much like the dog shelter) because I will come out with everything.  I love adopting books!  I try to just keep it to the library, especially after just having to move boxes of books.  But sometimes I just can’t help it.  I am drawn into a bookstore and inevitably several books inside.

I don’t even always read the books I buy.  I buy them because they are pretty or they look like something I should read or something I might need someday.

One such purchased but never read books I have is Comfortable with Uncertainly by Pema Chodron

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As I was unpacking some books last night, I came across this little gem and it seemed to leap into my hands and say “READ ME”

I am definitely in a time of uncertainty and I am trying to find comfort in that.  What better way than with “108 teachings on cultivating fearlessness and compassion”?

So I will read a teaching each day and try to incorporate it into my living breathing life.  I will share the good parts with you guys!

The first teaching is titled The Love That Will Not Die.  Let’s all say it together “HOW APPROPRIATE”

Ok, I’m going to spend my lunch hour reading.  Ta ta for now.

I went to the doctor, this is what I know.

First I had an intake appt with the nurse.  She is awesome.  She is really close to my age and I got along with her really well.  We talked about my pregnancy history and she was very sympathetic and understanding about why we wanted to get in so soon and that I want every test imaginable when I can.  I liked her.  In fact I wanted to tell her that I was new in town and I needed friends and would she please please hang out with me.  But I didn’t, I played it cool.  I didn’t think asking out the nurse my first time in the door was a good idea.

Then, a couple hours later Cloudy went back with me and we met the doctor.  She seemed nice and smart (both positives).  She explained the tests that were available and let us ask our crazy questions.  Any time I told her anything her response was “oh, that’s fine”

“My boobs don’t feel as full today as they did yesterday”

“oh, that’s fine”

I don’t feel sick, I’m kind of symptom free actually

“oh, that’s fine”

“I had a very tiny bit of brown spotting this morning”

“oh, that’s fine”

She didn’t want to give me a series of beta tests because she says it usually just makes pregnant women worry unnecessarily.  (likely true in my case,  but still)  She didn’t do an ultrasound because she said there would not be much to see right now.  (I know but…..)

I think she could tell that I was freaking out at the lack of testing she wanted to do so she said.  “You’re ok.  It makes sense that you are worried.  I know you want some answers today.  What happened to you is awful and unforgettable.  But this is not the same pregnancy, I see no reason to expect that  this one will have the same outcome.  You are pregnant and healthy, enjoy that.   I will talk to some fetal medical specialists that we work with out of Denver and see if there is anything we can do sooner to get you the answers that you want.  There is some possibility that we can do a blood test around 10 weeks to look for fetal DNA in your blood and from that rule out the three major trisomies.  The test is not FDA approved but it is available.  I will have you back in 4 weeks and we will discuss your options then and look at your baby”

She is right, I am pregnant, and this is not the same pregnancy.   As far as we know, we have the same chances as anyone to end up with a perfect little baby love.  And really the questions I have and the answers I want, I can’t get right now.  So I have to wait.  And I have to find a way to keep my worry in check without constant medical monitoring.  This little one is on it’s own path, as much as I want to and as much as I try I can’t control that and I can’t protect it from everything.  I will try to control the things I can, like what I put into my body, and I will try to protect my baby from what I can.  When the time is right I will have my tests and my answers.

For now I just have to occupy my own brain and let my body do it’s job.

On another note:  I did throw up today.  For no good reason.  I didn’t feel nauseous, I didn’t eat anything funny.  I just drank a glass of water, like I always do when I get out of bed.  A few seconds later I was lunging for the kitchen sink (gross I know).  It was just like the movies when the woman feels completely fine and then bam she’s reaching for her trash can!  That is enough to keep me grateful in every symptom free moment I get.

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Affirmation not Google as Fear Management

So I made it to today. The day I finally get to go to the nurse and the doctor. I’ve been ok, still calm even.

This morning I had to pee again, which is my new favorite thing to do these days. When I did, I noticed a very small bit of brown spotting on the toilet paper. Naturally worry set in immediately. I am trying to stay calm and I am trying not to Google. I am so glad I am going in to the doctor today. I really hope I have a good connection with them since there isn’t much option in town. And I hope they are willing to test my beta, progesterone, and iron.

The spotting does have me worried but I am trying to remind myself that this happened at the same time last time. It was very little and only lasted for 2 days. I’m trying to tell myself that as long as I am not cramping and it isn’t red I should be ok. I am also repeating the following affirmations over and over to myself this morning.

I trust my body and believe in my baby
My body knows how to keep this pregnancy safe
Whatever happens is for the best and higher good

For now it’s working. I hope I can make it to my appointment at 11:15 without going into full on panic mode.

October 15th

I am sad to say that I know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many of you probably know this as well. I am pretty sure none of my friends in my life even know about this day or that it is today. But here I am, in the terribly unfortunate group of women that know about this day and meet it with a heavy heart.

My loss is something that I shared on this blog and shared with most of my friends and family in real life. With some people I shared because I had to, they knew I was pregnant and I had to explain that that didn’t mean I was having a baby, and in fact I wasn’t. But with you all I shared because I wanted to, because I needed to, because I needed a bigger place to keep my sorrow than inside my own heart.

I shared my story with a group of strangers that also have a story to tell. The most amazing thing blossomed out of that. In my nightmare I was met with love and compassion and empathy and support.

I don’t talk about my loss very much anymore. I don’t write about it very often either. I made different choices than a lot of women with similar stories. I did not find out the sex of my baby, or name it. I thought about getting a tattoo or making a blanket for my lost baby, but I didn’t do these things either. None of these things felt right to my husband and I. I still cry but I prefer to do it alone and not talk about it. The truth is no one really knows what to say because I don’t really know what I need to hear. I feel grateful for my grief because it is my connection to my lost baby. It is manageable now and not as overwhelming as it used to be. I lost a baby, and I am ok with being sad about that. So I am not over it but I am living with it. I’m ok.

In general I choose not to talk about my grief because it is so personal. But today I acknowledge that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. I acknowledge that I am not alone. So many women and men are living with their own stories of lost children. I am proud to know this group of people because they are some of the most amazing people I have even ever heard about. I have not read a story of another women who lost her child or her possibility of child that was not completely amazing and caring and truly filled with the love of a mother.

In honor of my own story and the stories of the amazing women of the world I will be taking some time out of my evening to remember. To remember my baby and all of yours. To acknowledge their short lives with a candle. I will meditate on the idea of you all finding a peaceful way to live with what has happened and that your broken hearts stay broken wide open to the possibilities of all that this amazing life still has to offer you.

I am sad that I know what today is, but honored to know you.

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I need some Juice

A doctor update before I get into my random ramblings.  I finally got to talk to a nurse yesterday.  Part of the issue is that they are going  from 3 doctors down to 2 since one is retiring and the other two are trying to absorb his patients as well as keep up with new ones.  I understand that that is hard,  but I don’t understand why that means no one can answer the phone.  Anyway, because of this, the soonest they can get me in is Tuesday next week.     Since I am a new patient I have to have one appointment in the morning with a nurse to do patient intake stuff and get blood drawn and yadayada.  Then in the afternoon I have another appointment to consult with one of the doctors.  I’m not sure what this really means.  I’m hoping worst case scenario I can explain that I sort of want to go the midwife-holistic-birthing route but the give-me-every-western-diagnostic-test-during-my-pregnancy-that-you-can route. And best case scenario she can use her “magic wand”  to look in there and tell me everything will definitely be fine and I will get  a healthy baby.   Since my other pregnancy was ended due to  trisomy 18 I want to know as soon as I can if I am facing that or anything else equally devastating as soon as I can.  I am going to need a lot of reassurance along the way that this isn’t going to be taken from me.      Getting in Tuesday is all well and good.  I would’ve liked to get in this week and gotten a couple of Beta tests but mostly that would’ve been a fleeting reassurance.  I could have pushed but I didn’t.  Hopefully Tuesday will come quickly and that they will want to do something scientific and reassuring then.

 

Since moving I have sort of been doing…..nothing.    I don’t have a lot going on at work, and since I don’t know anything about the town I’m living in, I haven’t really found anything to do here.   So I pretty much just sleep and work and eat.   And it is making me crabby.

My whole life I have always been driven by boredom.  I HATE being bored.  So I fill my life with way too much stuff and end up being stressed.  There seems to be no in between with me.  I am either all lazy or all systems go.

Lately I have been all lazy.  I think I was just waiting for something to happen.  And then I found out I was pregnant and thought “well I can’t start anything new now”  Which is ridiculous.  Also, since Cloudy took his new job with a lot more supervisory responsibility he has been feeling like he needs to put more time and effort into the job until he climbs what he describes as a steep learning curve.

He is one of those hard working types;  comes from a very hard working family.  So it has been ingrained in him forever that what makes him valuable is the work he does.  Although I respect and admire his work ethic I don’t share his live-to-work life philosophy.

I do work and I understand that it is important.  I put in my time, and I do not like to do a half ass job, I care about the quality of the work that I do.  I have had times in my life when I have been pursuing worthwhile dreams while being completely broke and that is just about the most stressful way to live.  I cannot cope with worrying about money.  Cloudy and I make good money.  Of course there are lots and lots of people that make a lot more than we do but we do pretty well and most importantly we don’t have to worry that our bills can be paid.  So I work.  But I work to live.

Lately I don’t feel like I have been living, just working (and sleeping and eating).  I have been a little irritated with Cloudy that he is working so much and doesn’t care that he doesn’t do anything else.  I have been mostly irritated that he isn’t irritated.  He is happy, he likes his new job and he is ok with putting a lot into it because he feels like a hardworking, worthwhile person.  And for some reason that has been driving me crazy.

I have just been kinda bitter that he moved me all the way to this small town with nothing and no one just so that he could work 10 hours a day.  I’ve been irritated that he doesn’t have the desire to do anything else like find places he can bike ride or get a damn hobby or something!  I’ve been irritated that because of this he doesn’t have anything to talk about except work.  And since we work together and I don’t live to work, when I leave I want to forget this place and talk about other things.  I’ve been bitter and irritated and I have been expressing those things to him.  And I know he is feeling bad about it.

I have been being a big fat hippocrit.  I haven’t been pursuing anything else either.  I don’t have anything else to talk about either.  I haven’t been doing anything that puts juice in my life and I’ve been mad at Cloudy for not wanting more juice in his life.  But he’s fine, he doens’t need juice right now.  He has his new fancy job to put himself into and his kind of person loves that.  I need the juice!!  I need to do something.

So I’m now in search of the juice!  For me.  And I am trying to do it in a way that creates energy and doesn’t just fill my calendar up and stress me out.  The only thing I was looking forward to in living here is the dream of the simpler life.  So part of my new goal is to find the juice in the simpleness of what I already have.  To try to enjoy walking our dogs in the evening.  To try to make it fun to cook and eat dinner with my husband.

AND!  To make the most of my time alone in the morning.  Cloudy has been getting up early and coming to work because I usually like to sleep as much as I can.  So he gets up and lets me sleep and gets to work early so that he can come home on time with me and not let work take away from us.  (I’ve been ungrateful).  But this morning I got up at 6:20 and did 40 min of yoga.  Then I had a mug of tea and listened to the Brett Dennen station on Pandora while I showered and got ready.  It was 45 min of singing and dancing.  And lastly, I rode my bike to work.

I feel GREAT!  Oh my god.  I thought I was not a morning person and that it was my fate to always hate getting out of bed and to be a grouch until 10 every morning.  But I feel so amazing right now.  Turns out I don’t need more sleep, what I need is to get my butt out of bed and move and breathe!!  I need to get up and get my own juice!

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