A doctor update before I get into my random ramblings. I finally got to talk to a nurse yesterday. Part of the issue is that they are going from 3 doctors down to 2 since one is retiring and the other two are trying to absorb his patients as well as keep up with new ones. I understand that that is hard, but I don’t understand why that means no one can answer the phone. Anyway, because of this, the soonest they can get me in is Tuesday next week. Since I am a new patient I have to have one appointment in the morning with a nurse to do patient intake stuff and get blood drawn and yadayada. Then in the afternoon I have another appointment to consult with one of the doctors. I’m not sure what this really means. I’m hoping worst case scenario I can explain that I sort of want to go the midwife-holistic-birthing route but the give-me-every-western-diagnostic-test-during-my-pregnancy-that-you-can route. And best case scenario she can use her “magic wand” to look in there and tell me everything will definitely be fine and I will get a healthy baby. Since my other pregnancy was ended due to trisomy 18 I want to know as soon as I can if I am facing that or anything else equally devastating as soon as I can. I am going to need a lot of reassurance along the way that this isn’t going to be taken from me. Getting in Tuesday is all well and good. I would’ve liked to get in this week and gotten a couple of Beta tests but mostly that would’ve been a fleeting reassurance. I could have pushed but I didn’t. Hopefully Tuesday will come quickly and that they will want to do something scientific and reassuring then.
Since moving I have sort of been doing…..nothing. I don’t have a lot going on at work, and since I don’t know anything about the town I’m living in, I haven’t really found anything to do here. So I pretty much just sleep and work and eat. And it is making me crabby.
My whole life I have always been driven by boredom. I HATE being bored. So I fill my life with way too much stuff and end up being stressed. There seems to be no in between with me. I am either all lazy or all systems go.
Lately I have been all lazy. I think I was just waiting for something to happen. And then I found out I was pregnant and thought “well I can’t start anything new now” Which is ridiculous. Also, since Cloudy took his new job with a lot more supervisory responsibility he has been feeling like he needs to put more time and effort into the job until he climbs what he describes as a steep learning curve.
He is one of those hard working types; comes from a very hard working family. So it has been ingrained in him forever that what makes him valuable is the work he does. Although I respect and admire his work ethic I don’t share his live-to-work life philosophy.
I do work and I understand that it is important. I put in my time, and I do not like to do a half ass job, I care about the quality of the work that I do. I have had times in my life when I have been pursuing worthwhile dreams while being completely broke and that is just about the most stressful way to live. I cannot cope with worrying about money. Cloudy and I make good money. Of course there are lots and lots of people that make a lot more than we do but we do pretty well and most importantly we don’t have to worry that our bills can be paid. So I work. But I work to live.
Lately I don’t feel like I have been living, just working (and sleeping and eating). I have been a little irritated with Cloudy that he is working so much and doesn’t care that he doesn’t do anything else. I have been mostly irritated that he isn’t irritated. He is happy, he likes his new job and he is ok with putting a lot into it because he feels like a hardworking, worthwhile person. And for some reason that has been driving me crazy.
I have just been kinda bitter that he moved me all the way to this small town with nothing and no one just so that he could work 10 hours a day. I’ve been irritated that he doesn’t have the desire to do anything else like find places he can bike ride or get a damn hobby or something! I’ve been irritated that because of this he doesn’t have anything to talk about except work. And since we work together and I don’t live to work, when I leave I want to forget this place and talk about other things. I’ve been bitter and irritated and I have been expressing those things to him. And I know he is feeling bad about it.
I have been being a big fat hippocrit. I haven’t been pursuing anything else either. I don’t have anything else to talk about either. I haven’t been doing anything that puts juice in my life and I’ve been mad at Cloudy for not wanting more juice in his life. But he’s fine, he doens’t need juice right now. He has his new fancy job to put himself into and his kind of person loves that. I need the juice!! I need to do something.
So I’m now in search of the juice! For me. And I am trying to do it in a way that creates energy and doesn’t just fill my calendar up and stress me out. The only thing I was looking forward to in living here is the dream of the simpler life. So part of my new goal is to find the juice in the simpleness of what I already have. To try to enjoy walking our dogs in the evening. To try to make it fun to cook and eat dinner with my husband.
AND! To make the most of my time alone in the morning. Cloudy has been getting up early and coming to work because I usually like to sleep as much as I can. So he gets up and lets me sleep and gets to work early so that he can come home on time with me and not let work take away from us. (I’ve been ungrateful). But this morning I got up at 6:20 and did 40 min of yoga. Then I had a mug of tea and listened to the Brett Dennen station on Pandora while I showered and got ready. It was 45 min of singing and dancing. And lastly, I rode my bike to work.
I feel GREAT! Oh my god. I thought I was not a morning person and that it was my fate to always hate getting out of bed and to be a grouch until 10 every morning. But I feel so amazing right now. Turns out I don’t need more sleep, what I need is to get my butt out of bed and move and breathe!! I need to get up and get my own juice!