Not the end of the world, just this blog

Well the world didn’t end today.  But fall 2012 did.  Today is the official start of winter.  Luckily it is also the shortest day of the year and beginning tomorrow we will see the sun a little more each day.

I have decided to stop writing.  At least for now and in this space.

When I started my blog I needed to write.  I had too much pain and frustration to keep inside.  It was such a release and needed outlet for me.  Now, I find myself struggling to make the change from a infertile and loss writer to a pregnant one.  I stress about what I am going to write next, and stress over how it will be received.   An if I am honest, I am not enjoying it.

I chose the title for my blog because for me it represented the challenge and mystery that comes with being a human in a woman’s body.  I started with writing as an infertile that had suffered a loss but always hoped I would someday be more than just that.  I wanted this blog to grow and change with me.  I wanted to write as a wife, a mother, a friend.  But after moving through that initial phase I am realizing that this is not the appropriate space to do that.  In order to grow and change sometimes you have to shed skin that is too tight.

I also wanted to write my story in public forum because I hoped maybe someone out there reading would feel less alone and a little more hopeful.  I wanted women to read a story of another women battling pcos and winning that battle with non-traditional methods.  I wanted other women who are afraid of iui and ivf to have the courage to look into other healing modalities.    For me, acupuncture and herbs and some dietary changes were enough.  It wasn’t cheap, it wasn’t easy, and I often wondered if it would be enough.  I know it is not the answer for everyone, but I hope other women can find the answers they are looking for in alternative medicine and that this blog serves as an inspiration to them.

I also know that there are not a lot of stories out there about women who terminate at 21 weeks for trisomy 18.  I know because I searched desperately for them.    I hope I can shed some light and healing on this awful story that others are living though.  I hope I can help them feel less alone.

Writing until I got pregnant again was the right thing to do because I needed the support and the community.  I also like to believe it will give others hope that you can live thoguh what I lived through and go on to get pregnant again.  Even though it is scarier and more sad than before I did get pregnant and I am ok.

I terminated our loved baby 1 at 21 weeks.  I did not even know anything was wrong until our 20 week anatomy scan.  I am not there yet with this pregnancy.  Today I am only 15 weeks.    So I may still have many fears and tears to live through with this pregnancy.  I hope like hell that I will hold this baby in my arms in June but I know there is a very small chance that I won’t and that chance is real and in my mind daily.  But I have to believe.  I have to move on.  I have some  more medical knowledge this go around and some great test results to help me sleep at night.  So I am ok.

And it turns out I just don’t enjoy being an anonymous pregnant blogger.  We have a family blog and I may turn more to that so that I can be known and know my readers (I think our mom’s are the only ones who have any interest at all:)  That seems a better place for symptom bitching and bump pictures.

I can’t even begin to thank each and every one of you who has followed me on my journey.  There just aren’t big enough words to convey my gratitude and love to you.   I consider some of you real friends.  I would not have made it through some days with out you.  I will continue to follow along with many of you and want to continue commenting on several of your blogs.  I might be a bit behind most of the time.  I want to know how you all are but don’t have it in me anymore to read 20+ blogs everyday.  Many of you have my email and  hope you will use it.

Fair well friends.  Take care of each other.

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Human nature vs Nature nature

So I wrote last about sad television.  The truth is that the saddest things are happening right here, in our real world.

There is such a big difference between a natural disaster and a human led massacre isn’t there?

If there is a wild fire or a tsunami, something that feels out of our control, then it seems everyone stands up with empathy and wants to help survivors and families that suffer loss.  We all want to send food, money, prayers, thoughts, and love to the situation.  It is easy to unite because there isn’t anything else we can do.  We can’t stop nature.  We don’t feel responsible so we don’t have the nerves and unsettling fear that comes with having to do something about it.

When one of our own kills we feel very different.  These people that kill, even the ones that kill children, they are one of us.  We don’t like to remember that, we like to cast them out there as separate from us.  But I am of the mind that we create those people and we are responsible for their lives and their actions.

This type of tragedy tends to cause division, not unity like in the natural crisis scenario.  It becomes political, it becomes religious, it’s personal.  We’re divided.

In Camp A you have people that care, they want to help.  They want to send money and love and food and prayers to the survivors.  But they also sense the responsibility.   They know that something has to be done.  Even if they don’t agree on how, they realize that we have to try to do something to keep this from happening again.

This gets people worried, so camp B is formed.  There are whispers and eventually shouts “Camp A wants to take away our guns!  They want to take our money and give it to the mentally unstable!”  They care, they want to help and send thoughts and prayers.  But they don’t feel the responsibility.  They don’t want to make a change if it means a personal sacrifice.   It’s easier to blame god or a lack of god than it is to give up their right to bear arms.

Then we fight, Camp A against Camp B.  The fight becomes about the fight and not about the shooting or the bombing, we say it is, we say we are fighting for the children and their families.  But I think that gets lost.

I think deep down something in us is stirred.  Some of us recognize it as responsibility and some of us only recognize it as very uncomfortable.  But we sense, that when one of our own kills, we are to blame.

That seems really bad right?  I hear you.  “Sunshine, I am not to blame for what that man did to those children.”  I agree.  You, as one person trying to get through life the best way you know how; trying to be a part in making well adjusted conscious families, trying to enjoy this wonderful life even though parts of it really suck, and really bad things happen; you are not to blame for the bad things that happen.

But as a species, as a human race, I absolutely believe we are responsible for each other.  As a whole we are to blame when one of our own breaks and leaves disaster in the wreckage of their explosion.  I think we have the power and the duty to do something.  We have to try.

Sad TV and Bad Wine

Do you guys watch parenthood?

Oh my god I was bawling and sobbing at this weeks episode.  I love this show.  I love the idea of a big multi-generational family all getting together ALL the time.  I mean seriously, if one character has a dentist appointment they all rally around and discuss how it’s going and who will be taking what role in the event.  I really do love it.   I am one of 4 but it will be a while if ever before any of the others gets married or even wants to start having kids.  We all live in different towns in 3 different states.  My parents are divorced.  We do not all get together very often.  I can only assume they all get to the dentist ok.

Anyway, in this weeks’s episode one of the main characters that  is a mother of 3 and is battling breast cancer was hospitalized and we all thought she was a goner.  She made a video saying goodbye to her kids.  I could not breathe I was crying so hard.

Then on Private Practice (I love this one too) they found a little girl that had been missing for over 90 days in one of their patients bedrooms.  The episode was pretty much centered on pedophilia and registered sex offenders.  This time I was crying out of fear.

I don’t know if I am ready to be a mom, it looks painstakingly hard on the heart.  If you can trust TV that is.

 

While watching said sad tv I was drinking a glass of wine.  Maybe it was the alcohol turning on the water works?  No, this wine is not only free of alcohol it is also free of any taste that resembles wine.

I found Fre Wines at the local grocery store and I was kind of excited because I miss having a glass every one and a while.  They use some process to remove the alcohol from the wine so that knocked up saps like me can drink it.

I think the magic process is really just a fancy way of saying they mix grape juice with vinegar.  That is exactly what it tastes like.  And more vinegar than grape.  I’m bummed to say it is not good.  I corked it and put it in the fridge but I’m not sure I’ll be partaking again.  It might all end up in the drain😦   Oh well, at least I am really enjoying orange juice and sierra mist right now !

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Happy 12/12/12

Hello.   I had my NT scan on Monday and I am just now getting around to posting about it.  It has been a hectic couple of days people.

But the scan was fun and wonderful.  Baby looks great.  Head, body, two arms, two legs, just about all we can hope for at this point.  The NT measurements looked good.  About 1.3 or 1.4 so I was happy about that but I wasn’t worried since the results of our MaterniT21 test were so good.

I realize that this scan is redundant but we really just wanted a chance to look at baby and see for ourselves that everything looked ok.  And it looked great.  That little flicker of the heart on the screen made our hearts flutter as well.  We even got a few waves.

She thought maybe I was a week further along than we thought but I don’t know, I’m more than fairly certain I know exactly the moment this baby was conceived.  Or at least the exact day the egg was dropped.  The doctor said once she had had a chance to look though everything she would decide if we were going to change my dating or not but was fairly trusting that I knew my ovulation better than most.

Other than that I am just feeling so much better.  I feel better physically and mentally.  Why is it that the hardest trimester sick wise is also the most nerve wracking?  With every passing week I grow more confident that this baby will stick around and actually don’t even think about miscarriage at all any more.  And these tests are actually helping me to feel better that this baby is very healthy.  I feel very good about teh chances of being parents in June.

I have more energy too and more motivation to get things going in life and work.  Thank goodness!!  I didn’t know what to think of my unmotivated self.  It was very unusual for me.

Trimester two has me feeling like I am back!  I am full of love and excitement and gratitude just like I am supposed to be.

(PS I’ll post the ultrasound pictures tonight or tomorrow morning.  I forgot to bring them to work with me and they are resting proudly on our refrigerator at home)

Now I can breathe and sleep

So it did take awhile and it was like pulling teeth, but, the doctor finally called me last night at 7:30.  I have to give her some credit for calling me after hours and not waiting until this morning or making her nurse do it.

The results are…..Negative!  Negative for Trisomy 21, 18 , and 13.     So I should get my happy healthy baby in June!  I am so relieved.

I wasn’t sure if it would make me feel better enough but it does.  And I can’t wait to see this little nugget at our ultrasound on Monday!

Mama bear is angry

First, thank you all so much for your support yesterday.  I should’ve known that my followers would react that way because you always do.  You are always caring and supportive and I appreciate it.  That being said if I ever say something that rubs you the wrong way please do feel free to let me have it.

Today I am angry.  I have been angry all week actually.  It has been over two weeks and I still do not have my results from the MaterniT21 test.  I know that things take time and that I need to be patient, and that is what I have been trying to do but when I called on Monday to check the status I got a very upsetting response.

I started with my inept Drs office thinking maybe they had it sitting on the desk and just hadn’t gotten around to calling me.  I was told that they had been playing phone tag with the lab in CA because evidently my results were ready but they were not sent because the Diagnosis Code that was originally submitted was wrong.

Currently, in order to have this test performed you have to meet one of 4 qualifiers.  One of them being a personal history of a pregnancy with a genetic abnormality.  Yep that’s me.  But my doctors office did not check this box.  They did not check any of the 4 boxes actually.  They just wrote in their own excuse.  “Pregnancy with other poor obstetric history”  Ok fine, this description kind of covers it I guess, but why would they think it is better than the one on the paper already? The one that states that I have been through this exact crap before and I want to know sooner this time around!?  Oh right inept, I forgot.

Mistakes are made I get it, but how long does it take to call them and give them the right code?  It’s going on six days now.  SO I have to call my doctors office (multiple times until someone answers) leave a message for the doctor and then several hours later a nurse calls me back.  Even though I have specifically asked the doctor to call me back.  The nurse explains that they are trying to take care of it and have left a message with the woman from the lab that called them but aren’t getting any response from her.   THEN CALL SOMEONE ELSE AT THE LAB!

I called the lab directly to see if they could tell me anything.  They give me a slightly different story.  That my results have already been sent out via fax.  What?  They of course cannot tell me anything because they can only release results to the perscibing physician.  But they had no problem charging my credit card directly without billing through my drs office.   Yeah I saw the charge on my credit card statement yesterday.

So not only has the test been run, the results are in, but I have already paid for it!  But I still can’t get the results or a straight reason as to why or where they are!

If I don’t get a satisfactory call this morning I might just have to go into the office and ask what we need to do to settle this today.  I’d be happy to make calls or check the fax machine for them if they cannot handle it.

And I’ll tell you one more thing.  I hope like hell that the results say that everything is fine.  Because if someone has known that I am carrying a baby with a problem and they have refused to tell me for a week because they don’t have the right box checked I might just buy a gun, or hire a lawyer or both!

Oh yeah, I have mama bear syndrome bad!

friendship makes honesty harder

This post at My Life is About the Journey really hit me. I echo the sentiment 100%.   This one at Stupid Stork touched on similar things as well.

I started comments in response to both of their blogs but they got long enough I thought I would just weigh in here with my own thoughts on this pregnant infertile issue.

One of the reasons that I started blogging was that I had a story of infertility and loss and I didn’t feel like I had a place in my life to share that story in it’s un-watered down truth.  In sharing with friends and family I was always using filters and leaving out certain details or certain feelings I was having about those details.  I was doing this because I know these people, I know that some things that were my truth would hurt their feelings.  And I thought they would judge me for parts of my truth and that would hurt my feelings.  This is why I say that friendship makes honesty harder.  Knowing someone and caring about them lends to wanting to protect them and yourself.

With a blog I could put it all out there.  I could be completely honest.  This felt safe because I was writing anonymously and complete strangers were reading my words.  I kept an electronic  journal during my first battle with infertility and then during my short pregnancy and what it was like going through the loss.  This made starting a blog easy because I just took this journal, took out names and other identifying facts, and hit publish.  Everything was written before I knew anyone in this community.  It was not written to spare anyone or with any need to protect myself.  It was the most honest writing I have ever written.

Once my pre-written story was out I kept writing.  I followed other women’s blogs that were trying to get pregnant and I became invested in their stories.  I felt like I belonged to something and that I wasn’t alone.  I felt accepted for my truth.   I liked knowing these women and naturally felt a real connection to some of you.  Even the ones that I didn’t feel connected to, I felt compassion and empathy for.   I started to have some filters.  It’s important to be sensitive to everyone’s story because they are all valid.

I think we all fear that there is some sort of competition going in the who is most infertile category.  And maybe there is.  We all send messages to each other filled with support and hope and I think honest desire that those among us get pregnant.  And then silently curse our new friends when they do.  It really shouldn’t be a competition.  We all deserve to be here.  We all deserve to write our truth.

But I still filter now.  Because I have learned that so and so blogger that I love and respect has different religious beliefs than I do, or this other blogger that I relate to so much has different political beliefs than I do, or someone else who I love has been through something way worse or harder than I have.  So I write with the aim to not offend or be judged.  It’s the right thing to do because none of you should be hurt by one of us.  But it does make my writing a little watered down and my truth a little censored.

Being here and being pregnant is really hard.  My blogging has been hurt by my pregnancy because I don’t want my blogger friends to be hurt by my pregnancy.  I am afraid to talk about the joy and wonder of pregnancy because I am afraid of the unwritten comment “yeah screw you sunshine, we’re all still stuck in the hell of trying while you gloat about your baby”.   And I’m afraid to tell you all how much I truly hate being pregnant because we all know the answer to that one “You ungrateful fertile!  I would throw up every last meal for the rest of my life if it meant I was pregnant.  And I would laugh and smile about it.”   So I write less.  I hope it hurts you less.

Commenting.  Another hard one.  Now that I am pregnant I am super self conscious of my comments.  Especially to women who are still trying.  Will my comment, no matter how heartfelt, just remind you that I am pregnant and you are not?  Do you think I no longer care or understand?  Maybe it’s best to follow silently and not say anything.  But then I’m the bitch that got pregnant and left you all in the trenches.

It can be very stressful.  I don’t need my blog to be stressful.  I am pregnant, it reminds me of being pregnant before and having to end that pregnancy and have my baby ripped from me.  It scares me that I will have to go through the same thing or some new unknown horror.  Being pregnant is stressful for me, I don’t need writing about it to be stressful.  So I write less, but I still love all of you the same.  I still want to follow your stories and continue to hope the very best for you.

My yahoo reader is divided into three categories.  Pregnant or parenting bloggers (all of whom I followed through the struggle to get there), you warriors that are still trying, and then a few from column A and B that I don’t think read my blog or care one way or the other if I comment so I follow along silently.  In all honesty I don’t really enjoy finding new pregnancy blogs with my same due date, I’m not looking for mommy friends right now.  If you are pregnant and I follow you it’s because I care so much about your story and your happily ever after that I think about you even when the computer is off.   I still find myself picking up new TTCers because that is still where I relate the most, although they don’t know it since I’m a stupid fertile now.

I am happy to say that I have been able to put a lot of TTCers in the pregnant column and I am so in love with you ladies and your stories and I am convinced that blogging is the universal cure for infertility so don’t stop!

Here is another dose of honesty from me (are you still reading? this is getting long and rambly I’m afraid)  I find infertility more interesting to read and write about than pregnancy.  I think cervical mucus is more interesting than morning sickness.  I think BBT charts are more fascinating than comparing baby size to fruit.  Although the pregnants have some pretty good poop and boob stories…..  But drugs and triggers and herbs and needles are far more fascinating than prenatal vitamins and prune juice.  Once I take out all the stuff that is either going to offend the pregnant or the trying, and the stuff that I think is going to leave me shamed and judged by my internet heros, the blog posts I have left bore the crap out of me and leave me un…motivated.

That is enough outta me for one day.  But before I go here is my truth today.

I don’t actually enjoy pregnancy that much. At least not the first trimester because I feel like shit, pretty much all the time. I miss feeling good. I want to be pregnant, I will live with all of my symptoms for the chance at having a baby at the end. But I am not grateful for my morning sickness, I am not grateful for my constipation, or my huge belly that is huge because of gas not baby. Honestly, so far, pregnancy sucks, and I have extreme fear to add this time around because I have suffered a loss.  I know that I am lucky, but I’ll thank luck when my baby is home with me.