Not the end of the world, just this blog

Well the world didn’t end today.  But fall 2012 did.  Today is the official start of winter.  Luckily it is also the shortest day of the year and beginning tomorrow we will see the sun a little more each day.

I have decided to stop writing.  At least for now and in this space.

When I started my blog I needed to write.  I had too much pain and frustration to keep inside.  It was such a release and needed outlet for me.  Now, I find myself struggling to make the change from a infertile and loss writer to a pregnant one.  I stress about what I am going to write next, and stress over how it will be received.   An if I am honest, I am not enjoying it.

I chose the title for my blog because for me it represented the challenge and mystery that comes with being a human in a woman’s body.  I started with writing as an infertile that had suffered a loss but always hoped I would someday be more than just that.  I wanted this blog to grow and change with me.  I wanted to write as a wife, a mother, a friend.  But after moving through that initial phase I am realizing that this is not the appropriate space to do that.  In order to grow and change sometimes you have to shed skin that is too tight.

I also wanted to write my story in public forum because I hoped maybe someone out there reading would feel less alone and a little more hopeful.  I wanted women to read a story of another women battling pcos and winning that battle with non-traditional methods.  I wanted other women who are afraid of iui and ivf to have the courage to look into other healing modalities.    For me, acupuncture and herbs and some dietary changes were enough.  It wasn’t cheap, it wasn’t easy, and I often wondered if it would be enough.  I know it is not the answer for everyone, but I hope other women can find the answers they are looking for in alternative medicine and that this blog serves as an inspiration to them.

I also know that there are not a lot of stories out there about women who terminate at 21 weeks for trisomy 18.  I know because I searched desperately for them.    I hope I can shed some light and healing on this awful story that others are living though.  I hope I can help them feel less alone.

Writing until I got pregnant again was the right thing to do because I needed the support and the community.  I also like to believe it will give others hope that you can live thoguh what I lived through and go on to get pregnant again.  Even though it is scarier and more sad than before I did get pregnant and I am ok.

I terminated our loved baby 1 at 21 weeks.  I did not even know anything was wrong until our 20 week anatomy scan.  I am not there yet with this pregnancy.  Today I am only 15 weeks.    So I may still have many fears and tears to live through with this pregnancy.  I hope like hell that I will hold this baby in my arms in June but I know there is a very small chance that I won’t and that chance is real and in my mind daily.  But I have to believe.  I have to move on.  I have some  more medical knowledge this go around and some great test results to help me sleep at night.  So I am ok.

And it turns out I just don’t enjoy being an anonymous pregnant blogger.  We have a family blog and I may turn more to that so that I can be known and know my readers (I think our mom’s are the only ones who have any interest at all:)  That seems a better place for symptom bitching and bump pictures.

I can’t even begin to thank each and every one of you who has followed me on my journey.  There just aren’t big enough words to convey my gratitude and love to you.   I consider some of you real friends.  I would not have made it through some days with out you.  I will continue to follow along with many of you and want to continue commenting on several of your blogs.  I might be a bit behind most of the time.  I want to know how you all are but don’t have it in me anymore to read 20+ blogs everyday.  Many of you have my email and  hope you will use it.

Fair well friends.  Take care of each other.