No More Licorice For Me

My temperature was way up today 97.71 so a definite jump from 97.05 yesterday.  I’m going to hope that it is still up tomorrow and assume that I ovulated.  Whew it is about time!  I’m on cycle day 24 today.  Cloudy and I have had sex 10 out of the last 16 days so I know I am filled to the brim with sperm.  If this egg makes it past all those egg seeking missiles than it will be a shame that it won’t amount to much because it would be one hell of a slalom skier or  dodge ball champion or something.  But I’m hoping that it’s dodging skills aren’t so hot and that it gets tagged and penetrated.  Sorry egg, but it is the only way.  Either way I will not know for about two weeks.  Let the crazy begin.  I am not looking forward to the drop in estrogen and the rise in progesterone.  I realize that it is an unnecessary evil just like getting out of bed in the morning but it never feels good.  Being all full of estrogen and sleeping till noon every day is my latest take on what heaven (or retirement) hold for me.  In any case, that is where I am at with this fun fertility stuff.

I am still somewhat in the dark as to why it took me so long to ovulate this month.  The only two things I did differently were to take the licorice root and have a bunch of unprotected sex.  Last I checked, having sex was not the way to prevent conception so it’s got to be the licorice right?!  Maybe, it could also be the pressure I put on myself now that we are officially trying again.  It was possibly that my herbs from needle guy were too yin for too long.  I saw him on Friday and he helped soo much.  My ovaries had been hurting for a week and I was starting to panic that I had a big hairy cyst in there robbing the nest.  When I went in to my appointment and told needle guy about the pain and the fact that i hadn’t ovulated yet, he went right to work.  On the table he palpated my ovaries one at a time and I told him where the pain was and how sever it was.  Then he pressed on one point at a time in my foot and leg and palpated the corresponding ovary again.  To my surprise he found points he could press with his finger to make the pain stop completely.  One on my inner left shin made the left ovary feel better and one on my right foot made the right ovary feel better.  It was amazing.  So he put needles in those points and a few others for good measure and I did my part by resting and visualizing healing and ovulating.  When I left I had a red sore spot on my foot from the needle but my ovaries felt great!!  No more fear of a big hairy cyst, just hope.  He also showed me where to rub if the pain came back.  He sent me off with herbs to nourish the yang this time and hopefully get my temp where it is supposed to be.  Two days of nasty tea and viola! Ovulation!

In any case I am not taking the licorice again, I just have a feeling that it screwed everything up.

 

Advertisements

A little makeup

When I am feeling crappy about something in my life, I like to take a little extra time picking out my clothes, style my hair, and throw on a little makeup.  I think the extra time taking care of my self boosts my mood and looking good definitely helps me to feel good.  I had to do that this morning.  I have on some of my favorite pants and a new shirt.   I took the extra time to blow dry my hair and put on a little makeup.  I did all this depiste wednesday being my early day (I teach a 6:30-7:30am yoga class on Wednesdays).  I look pretty good, and I feel a little better.   Look I even gave the blog a face lift!  Maybe that will be enough to boost me back into loving the life I already have.

Let me first give props to the amazing Fran at small bird studios for creating my sweet new header.  She was great to work with and put up with my endless nick-pickyness.  In the beginning I had no idea what I wanted and by the end I got exactly what I wanted.  I hope some of you will consider working with her if you want to jazz up your blog face!  The header was a prize for participating in the lovely Ms. Breeze’s blog hop.  Thank you Dandelion!!  I am not sure what to use for the background so I will use these little circles for now, but I may play with it and see what I like.

And now I will get into why I feel so crappy, and why I don’t think the makeup will be enough to get me through this day without crying or biting someone’s head off.  My ovaries and I had a fight.  I don’t know what it was about or when it happened but I do know for sure that they are mad and giving me the silent treatment.   I still have not ovulated.  It’s day 19 or 20, I don’t even know anymore.  I have not had any EWCM and my temps are all over the board.  It was just above my normal coverline yesterday and now it is back under.  My ovaries have been hurting since Friday, I usually get a little twinge of pain around ovulation so I was hopeful over the weekend.  But now it’s been six days of this pain and no spike in temperature.  BBT has been 100% reliable for me in showing if I ovulated or not so I think I am just screwed.  I don’t know if I am building up cysts in there or what.  I am at a loss, I don’t know what the heck to do.  I think I might call my previous acupuncture practitioner, I know she is back in town and hopefully she is seeing patients again.  The new guy is ok but she and I had it dialed when I worked with her last year.  She got where with a certain combination of herbs and needles she could basically produce an egg right there on the table!  Ok, it wasn’t that good, but we did have a pretty narrowed down regimen after months of trial and error.   I was regular and happy and I did get pregnant.  I’m sure this new guy could do the same thing but I don’t want months of trial and error.  I only started seeing him because needle lady left town for a few months.  I think about breaking up with him but then I start to worry that the success last time was just a fluke.   And in all honesty I have been a little lazy in taking my supplements and I have snuck a little bit of sugar in pretty much every day.

Part of me wonders if it really is the stress of trying.  When we were not trying and using condoms I was also lazy about my supplements and ate sugar like breathing and I ovulated on time every month plus or minus a few days.  But now!  Now that I am trying again the eggs are refusing to come out and play.

What ever I did ovaries I’m sorry!!  I really really am.  Look I made your blog pretty, can I have an egg now, pretty please?

 Photobucket

We had a great time but…

Well we headed off on Thursday night and we had a wonderful time.  It wasn’t long before we were both relaxed and just taking in the scenery around us.  We stopped in some little towns we never take the time to stop in and checked them out.  We strolled through downtowns and mountains covered in wildflowers.  We ate when and where we wanted to, we slept when and where we wanted to, it was marvelous.  We even took turns seducing each other and totally broke the every other day rule and made love for four days straight while driving through our gorgeous state.   We let ourselves day dream about taking our children camping.  It was so much fun.  It was enough even if nothing comes of the trip……

Because I did not ovulate!!  No egg white cervical mucus, no spike in my BBT.   What the?  I know, I know.  I was silly to expect that to happen sometime between cycle day 12 and 17.  Why would it?  Why would I expect it to be in the medical range of “normal”?  Why would I think the licorice root would do something magical?  I mean I have ovulated within that range;  4 times in my entire life to be exact, isn’t that enough to expect some normalcy??    Evidently not.

I was joking when I suggested to Cloudy that we just keep driving and camping until I did ovulate.  I was mostly joking,  I think that would actually be amazing.  The problem being one small pesky thing, OUR JOBS!  Oh yeah, we had to return home at or regularly scheduled time because our jobs are certainly not willing to wait for me to ovulate.

So back to real life it is.  It was not a waste because we had a great time.  And we will continue to have sex this week at a modest every other day.  And I will keep you posted.  The good news of course being that I have managed to put off the dreaded two week wait a few extra days and I get the lovely bonus of a few extra days of estrogen in my system (which I am definitely starting to suspect I am addicted too).

Stay tuned, I can only check my thermometer once a day.  Maybe if I pee on it…..

Making the Time

To hopefully make a baby.

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine adding a baby to our lives.  We are already so crazy busy.  We both work full time.  We are very active dog parents, we walk them everyday rain or shine and now we take 20 min three times a day to feed bear and give him his medication.  I teach 2 yoga classes a week.  We are remodeling our house.  And we are both fairly active people, Cloudy is not fun to be around if he hasn’t been on his bike in a few days.  I actually think something needs to give, I feel like the life we are leading is not sustainable.  We need to cut back.  The problem is I don’t know what to cut.  I will not stop taking care of the dogs or teaching yoga.  And really, in this society, it’s hard to justify working part time if you don’t have kids.  In all likely hood I will go down to 20-30 hours a week at work if we have a baby.  I will need that time to come from something.  It feels like I can have either enough time or enough money and I have to choose.  When it comes to my children I think I will choose time, but not having the money for babies is a real problem too.

Anyway, that is not actually what I set down to write about.  I was not thinking about not having time to raise children.  I was actually writing to say that it feels like I don’t even have enough time to MAKE children.  I mean it should only take 12 min tops, right?!   And I bet we could cut it down to much less time, if you know what I mean.  But it isn’t as simple as finding a potent minute man.  For me it means taking the time to get to acupuncture, taking the time to simmer my herbs for an hour and drink them 3 times a day, taking the time to do moxa, and castor oil packs and visualizations, and yoga, and finding that perfect balance of diet and exercise, and taking my temperature everyday and making sure I am taking the right supplements based on what day I am at in my cycle.  THEN I have to make the time for Cloudy’s six minute contribution, and it better be on the right day dammit.   And that is where I am, lucky cycle day 13.  Hopefully, the right day is today or tomorrow or the next day but I have no idea (see how fun this is) and my other priorities are not letting up.  But they have to, I need to make the time for this because it is important to us.  So I went to acupuncture yesterday and am following all the other rules.  In order to make the time Cloudy and I are taking tomorrow off so that we can leave town tonight and head off in our camper van.  We are making the time to be together and be in nature and in Love.  We are going to drive and eat and hike and have sex.

It has to work right?

Heart Wide Open

Well just like always the yoga festival was amazing.  I was able to learn a lot and make some transformation.  The festival doesn’t have a theme per se but every year it seems like I receive the message I am supposed to.  The thing that kept coming up in classes for me was that I am good enough and have enough and I can just relax and enjoy this amazing life I have been given.  I don’t need to commit to some crazy spiritual program or do 108 sun salutations everyday or anything hard.  I just need to keep showing up to my life as I am.  We are all already there.

I learned new ways to practice the physical postures (asanas) and new ways to incorporate breath and meditation.  But the biggest take home message for me is that yoga is not just about the physical body and a true practice can be something that makes your heart sing.

One of the biggest moments for me was when a teacher said this

“God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan

This left me sitting with steaming tears.  It directly transformed the hurt I have been carrying about my loss and my infertility.  It reminded me to keep my heart open.

I also enjoyed learning the myths of the yogic gods.  In particular the stories of Ganehsa, Kali, and Durga were powerful for me.  In yoga these “gods” are not beings outside of ourselves that we call upon to save us but are aspects that we all carry inside of us that we can summon in our own selves to handle the life we are living.

It is hard to put into words the weekend I just had but I feel open and light and free.

In other news I finished my five days of licorice root on Sunday and am currently on day 11 of my cycle.  My BBT is looking good and Cloudy and I are having fun and trying to make this week a time to connect and love each other and not just one of mandatory sex.  All of this great stuff leading up to next week will maybe help with the 2 week wait crazies.

Love you girls, I can’t wait to get on your blogs and find out where everyone is and how things are going in your journeys.

Taking my Ovaries to Telluride

Today is day six of my cycle and I started the licorice root yesterday.  Hopefully it will do something!!  It does taste just like licorice but it’s really strong and so gross.  I wonder if I could just eat black jelly beans instead?  Just kidding, I know it’s important to eat a good balance of all the colors.

Anyway since next week is the big week with all the hard work and all the sex I thought it might be best to give my ovaries a little treat and take them on a peaceful vacation.  So I am meeting my bestie and a bunch of amazing women friends in Telluride for their annual yoga festival!!  This is one of my favorite weekends of the year and hopefully I will sneak in a few short posts while I’m there to share some of the awesomeness with you but if not I will be back and ready to blog and procreate on Monday.  The plan is to rest and soak up knowledge from the greats and estrogen from friends in an effort to fully prepare my self mentally and physically for this official round of baby making.

With that I better go pack and hit the road but I’ll leave you with this random amazingness since I just heard of them on TV last night.

Have a great weekend ladies!!

Friends

I think as we get older and our lives take various routes and we become individuals, it is much harder to maintain friendships.  When we are young we see each other at school, we know all the same people, and we rely on our parents to support our social endeavors.  The other thing about having friends when you are little is that you both want to hang out pretty much all the time.  You  hardly ever hear one third grader say to another, “That sounds great Mary but I will have to check my calendar and see what my brother thinks , and well, it’s just been so crazy, but I’ll call you and we’ll see.”  No busy lives, no excuses, it’s just yeah! let’s hang out and maybe mom will even let me sleep over!

Even in college it is relatively easy to maintain friendships with the people that go to the same school.  If you see each other in classes and know where to go to just find people hanging out, it is fairly easy.

I find friendships to be harder as an adult.  The friends that have been there since elementary school, high school, and college, are a little easier because they have stood the test of time.  There is a comfort with each other and a knowing that you both want to spend time together.   You might loose one or two here and there as we all change and grow into different adults with different lives, but the good ones usually stick around.  I’m talking specifically about the women friends that I have made since getting out of college and moving to a small town.  This town is full of women that like to be active and do stuff and are, I think, genuinely great women.  There are several that I would say I am friends with and probably most would say the same about me.  But it just doesn’t feel the same.  We run into each other and say that we need to get together and we occasionally do and it is always fun but it really just doesn’t happen that often.  I think part of this is life and scheduling, we all get carried away with the day to day stuff and the house projects and the life projects and who knows what, but we don’t make time to hang out with each other.   I get that with friends that don’t live near me,  have something to blame it on but what about all the friends I have that are within 15min of me all the time?  I never see them.

I know part of the problem is that as individuals we all have our preferred timing as far as schedules go.  I have one friend here ( that I see the most often actually) that I literally have to make plans with 3-5 weeks in advance.   She is always busy and has places she is going and things that she is doing and I know that so I make the effort to get on her calendar.  It drives me a little nuts sometimes that I can’t just call her up today and see a movie this weekend but it works.  Then I have the friends that have an allergic reaction to planning ahead and want to make general loose plans like let’s hang out sometime this week, I’ll text you.  So, I pretty much have to be ready to go when they text, they are that last minute.  That really drives me nuts!!   Can you not just commit to Wednesday night and hang out with me or do you foresee that many fun plans popping up that you just don’t want to be unavailable for?  Ohh and the cancel-ers make me crazy too.   We make a plan to grab a drink after work or go to breakfast and a bike ride on Sunday or whatever, and often times it is even their plan or idea!  I set aside the time and make plans with my husband for who is going to take care of our responsibilities at home (namely the high maintenance beloved dogs) and then I get a text minutes before I am supposed to be somewhere that they have decided to do something else and they don’t even try that hard to make up a good excuse.

As I type this, some insecurities are creeping in.  Maybe this just happens to me.  Maybe people just really don’t like me that much.  Maybe none of the people reading my blog are going to have a clue what I am talking about because they all have amazing friends.

Anyway.  I do have really really amazing fiends in my life and I wouldn’t even trade them for a baby.  Friends that help me get through everything and friends that inspire me, and make me laugh.  But they have been around a long time, and most of them don’t live within 5 hours drive from me.

Part of this is my fault because I do have a busy life and enjoy spending lots of time with Cloudy and I don’t always put in the effort to see people all the time.   I need to try harder.

As adults I think it takes more effort to create those bonds and keep them strong. I need to adapt to the people that plan way ahead and the people that say let’s get together in 20 min.  I need to realize that not everyone wants to make plans exactly 4-7 days ahead like me.  I need to try harder to make and keep women friends because that is something I need for my health and sanity.