Bad Days

I get so in my mind about them. I didn’t have a great day today. It started with me being irritated with Cloudy. Like I mentioned, he is sick. I tried to get him to stay home yesterday to get well but he went to work to wear himself down further and infect everyone else. This morning when our alarm went off he decided he wasn’t going to go today and turned the alarm off and went back to sleep without telling me any of this. So I woke up late and irritated. When we spoke about it later he told me that he thought I knew because it was my idea. It was my idea yesterday when you went anyway! It just went downhill from there. At work, my boss informed me that he is taking me off of the project I am currently on. The one that I fought not to be on in he first place. The same project that is now days from being completed and I’m about to feel pretty good about. But no, he wants to take me off before I can have that satisfaction so that he can have me save another sucky project.

Anyway, the whole day continued in that fashion. Nothing horrible happened but everyone I interacted with irritated the crap outta me. Of course when I got home, Cloudy continued to grate my nerves so I am now shut in our room because he won’t leave me alone.

I have this voice in my head that likes to meddle and generally just stir up trouble. As I have been sitting here it has chimed in twice. First it interrupts my brooding to say, you know if it seems like everyone around you is the problem then YOU might actually be the problem. Well that is a rationale that I tend to agree with. So of course my mind instantly goes to “what is my problem?” “what day of my cycle is this? Isn’t it kind of early for PMS? Maybe I should look at my old charts for grouchy days and see if there is a pattern. Maybe it’s because I was in meetings all day and skipped the gym and didn’t get much sun or fresh air. Maybe it’s what I’ve eaten or what I haven’t eaten. Did I drink enough water………..”

Then meddle voice asks, do you think men go through all this when they have a bad day? Do you think they worry about hormone balance and the thousands of imbalances that could be upsetting them? No, they just continue on with the external blame. Do you need to blame yourself just because you are so self aware?

Good point meddle voice. Back to brooding. But maybe I should go get a sandwich and take a bath.


Needles, Sticks, and Berries

I went to my acupuncture appointment on Tuesday.  I either had a good day, or I’m getting desensitized to the needle sensation, or I’m healing, but it was the easiest session I’ve had in a while.  Only one point in my left shin gave me fits, I think it may be stomach 36.  I usually get a needle to this point because it is for phlegm which is what Chinese medicine considers the cysts associated with PCOS.   So a little pain in the shin to rid myself of cysts is worth it I’d say.  The point is also good for cold and flu symptoms and Cloudy is sick right now so hopefully it will keep me from getting sick too, Bonus!

I only know this about the stomach 36 point because my last acupuncturist was really good about telling me about every point she was treating and what it was doing for me.  She explained and talked a lot about my tongue, my pulse, the acupuncture, the herbs I was taking, the energy of certain food I should eat or shouldn’t eat.  It was like going to a class on Chinese medicine as it related to my body and my goal of getting pregnant.  This guy I am seeing now isn’t so much like that, he asks similar questions and treats similar points but it is more of him treating me and me just trusting that he knows what he is doing.  He will explain a little if I ask but it is very brief.  “What is that point for?” ” Oh that is a kidney point to stimulate kidney yang”   OK.   I think there are just as many patient types as there are practitioner types and some people probably don’t want their ears talked off, they just want to go in, relax, and come out healed.  I actually really liked all the information I used to be provided.   I do trust him and the proof is in the ovulatory pudding that he knows what he is doing, but I really like the idea of taking part in your own healing and knowledge is a huge part of that.

One place I would like a little more info on is the herbs he gives me.  He does all raw herbs imported from China and they are all in glass jars in his office with their Chinese names on them.  He measures out and mixes several herbs for my individual needs and usually gives me about a weeks’ worth at a time.  I take them all month except when I am bleeding.  So, after every appointment I leave with three or four little plastic baggies filled with what looks like handfuls of mulch and dried berries and sticks and leaves and black things.  I have to let these things simmer in water for an hour and then strain the herbs off and divide the liquid into batches that I drink 2 or three times a day.  At this week’s appointment he even gave me something called glue sticks (that look to me like dog treats) that I am supposed to melt into the liquid after I strain it off.  It’s a little weird and the teas never taste good, some of them I have to choke down.  That’s fine, all in a day’s work to get pregnant.  I just wish I knew what the heck it was that I was ingesting week to week.

Darn technology anyway!

I don’t know what happened to yesterday’s post.  It’s updated now.  I guess that is what I get for trying to type something up quickly on my phone.  That is the first time I have tried to post from my phone, I need to practice to get it down I suppose.

Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely weekend.  Mine was nice, we had some crazy wind on Sat that filled our air with dust but other than that it was really nice here.

And the best news!  I think I finally ovulated!  I guess that nice talking really works.  I actually think it happened on Friday but I wanted to see 2 or 3 days of raised temps before I got too excited.  I’ve had it go up before only to see it plummet back down again.  But I have had 3 days over 97.7 so I think I can be sure.  Yay ovaries!  Thank You.  Only one more practice round and then the craziness will begin.   I have acupuncture today so I will see what he thinks about the delayed ovulation this month.

That’s all today.  I’ve got to go catch up on my blog reading!

What would you have done?

So I went to the gym today.  I know! I made the effort to go to my class even though it is a holiday and I could have made more than one excuse to stay home and work on the house or play in the sun.  Of course, there was a sub for the class.  The class that I go to three times a week is modeled after the In.sanity workout and it is usually pretty intense. By that, I mean the warm up usually makes me want to crawl for the door.  It is lots of cardio intervals mixed with a little bit of hand weight stuff, squats, pushups, lunges.  All the stuff I should do but don’t unless I pay someone to make me.  Anyway, the sub was the usual teacher.  She started right off the bat with a dance for the warm up and lost about 1/4 of the students with that.  It was fun but it was far from intense.  I could tell she was nervous and when those ladies all put thier stuff away and left it visibly made her more upset.  I felt bad.  So I stayed, I figures it was only an hour and any movement was better than none right?  Well I don’t think I got too much of a workout because I spent the whole time debating if I should stay or go.  I mean It was my day off and Cloudy was at home, I was expecting a certain level from the class and I wasn’t getting it.   I did end up leaving a little early but I smiled and waved and said thank you so as to send the message that I was grateful for her being there but had to leave.  I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.  As a yoga instructor I would never let anyone teach my class who hasn’t at least been to the class or knows what the students expect.  I’m not sure who is responsible for finding subs at this gym but I think a little bit more effort should go into it to ensure a certain level of satisfaction from the students but also to avoid humiliation on the part of the sub.  She really was trying to help out and I felt very bad for her.

Would you ladies have stuck it out or would you have left and made better use of the hour?

Dear Ovaries

Hi girls,

I think I have been a little harsh on you lately.  I have been engaging in a little bit of negative talking about you and the rest of our body recently and I think maybe I have hurt your feelings.  I did get upset when cycle day 15 rolled around and you still weren’t sending any little eggs out.  I think maybe the pressure was just too much.  I know that you are up against a lot and you rely heavily on my trust as well as a little bit of cooperation from ms pituitary. I would like to formally apologize to you in this public forum.  If there is anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable or inspired please let me know.  I really have no idea what is going on with you.  Are you holding on to that egg because you know I am going to make Cloudy wear a condom for 2 more months and you feel as if I am wasting your creative energy?  I hope you know that I am trying to give you and lady uterus and all the other necessary parts time to practice and coordinate and get as strong and healthy as possible before bringing in the idea of fertilization and implantation thus sending you into hibernation again.  I’ll try to be more patient but it would be great if you could send us an egg so that we all know you are ok and on board.  Just give me two more practice eggs and then I will send in the sperm and hopefully get to the good part.  I appreciate everything you do.


The part of me that types letters to my ovaries.

Babies R-not Us

When I first started this blog I was so wrapped up in getting my story out there that I thought about myself a lot.  I loved getting your comments and I also found comfort in reading your stories.  But now I feel like I am really truly invested in your outcomes.  I spend a lot more time wondering how each of you is doing and how you are feeling than I do thinking about what to post on my own blog.   I can’t wait to hear your news and where you are at in terms of test results, doctors visits, follicle count.  I think about you ladies all day long and everything that you are going through.  I really wish I could just go down to babies “are” us and pick up a dozen smiling (or crying, I know at this point we aren’t too picky) infants and drive around the world to deliver you a pink or blue bundle of love.  It is such a different feeling to wake up and wonder how you are all doing and if there is any news.  I think about what I can write that will inspire you all to keep going, not to give up on your dream of motherhood (which I know none of you will).  You have all blown my world wide open, I am no longer just stuck in feeling sorry for myself or feeling alone.

Whoa, hormonal shift.

I like results

Well today is cycle day 20 and still no upswing in my temperature that would indicate any kind of action from my ovaries.  That means I am looking at a 35 day cycle minimum which is still better than the 5 month cycle I started this game with but I’m frustrated anyway.  When I make an effort to do everything I can, take all my supplements, drink tons of water, get poked with needles weekly, listen to my circle and bloom visualizations, castor oil packs every night; I like to see a textbook BBT.  When I do, it is all worth it and it gives me the motivation to continue on with all of this stuff.  When I don’t, and my temps are all over the place or just stay low for 20 days, I start to get lazy.  I guess what I am saying is that I have no patience for things not working right now.  I am willing to do the work for results but if I am even one week off, I loose steam and start downward spiraling into no progress land.  I resent every handful of pills I swallow, thinking whats the point?  I start to wonder if I am spending too much on acupuncture for nothing.  It just needs to work.

The same is true for my weight.  I have not adopted an official plan this time around but I am expecting results anyway.  I have started to go back to the gym for the Mon Wed Fri strength endurance training class that kicks my butt, and I bought a pass so that I can swim laps at the local hot springs pool on Tues and Thurs.  I am still teaching 3 yoga classes a week and I also signed up for a 5 week workshop where I go for 2 hours every Sunday for 5 weeks to study the ashtanga primary series.    My first class was last Sunday and I was so sore up until today really but I am learning so much, it is nice to take a class for me again.  I have gotten so into my teaching that my own practice has fallen by the wayside.  And I am also starting to really get into mountain biking.  I live in a town where you are only cool if you bike so I decided I better try and learn.  I have found a lovely group of beginner ladies and we have started riding on wednesday nights.  I can already tell that I am getting stronger, last night we rode for 2.5 hours all over the freaking hills and even though I was beat when I got done I felt great.  Cloudy has been taking me on Monday nights too and he is surprisingly patient with me as I learn something that comes very easily and naturally to him as he has been riding for about 22 years.  Anyway, all that to say that I am getting lots of physical activity in.  I am watching what I eat and trying to plan healthy meals out ahead of time but I have not brought myself to follow any specific diet or count calories again.  I feel great and am enjoying being so active but I know if I keep this up for very long and stay at my 144lb mark I will slowly start to get very frustrated and thus lazy.

I want reliable magic results.