A memory

Yesterday marked one year since we terminated our first pregnancy last December for trisomy 18.  On one hand it seems crazy to me that a year has past already because I remember it as clear as if it just happened.  On the other hand it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year because it feels like I have been carrying the weight of that story for much longer.

Even though I am one trimester into another pregnancy I can’t help but think about my first one and how much I loved that baby.  It would be unfair to say that I don’t love this baby because of course I do.  But it’s a love I only allow myself to feel in small doses because I am still so scared it will be taken from me.

I did not want yesterday to pass without acknowledging our loss or our love for our first child.  We are not the kind of people to make a large memorial or have an annual ceremony.  We are more the type of people to hold our memory in our heart and not let it out.   But yesterday as we were putting up our first Christmas tree together and decorating our house for the winter holidays I was singing one minute and crying the next.

I am so happy to be carrying a precious new little baby, but I can’t help but be reminded of the fact that this should be baby’s first Christmas.  I can’t help but remember the sorrow of last year at this time.   So I am doing the best I can.  I am feeling my joy when it is there and making room for my pain when it needs it.  Cloudy is being good about trying to keep up and trying to know if I need a hug or a minute to myself.

In order to have our first baby with us this holiday season we lit a special candle and said some loving words.  It will stay on our fireplace alongside the other decorations and will be lit as a way to keep our family whole.

photo

We still have not received the results of our MaterniT21 test and I am going bonkers.  I thought perhaps my not-so-on-it doctor’s office may have heard something so I called last Friday to remind them that I want to know maybe a little sooner than just whenever they get around to it.  I of course,  had to leave a message.  So I will call again today.  It is possible that they have not heard anything and that they will call as soon as they know.   It is also possible that our results are sitting in a unopened envelope on a desk somewhere just hanging out.    Motherhood takes more patience than I could’ve ever imagined.

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un………motivated

I don’t know what it is but I am so….SO unmotivated lately.  Like, no drive to do anything at all.  I don’t even feel like emailing my friends or watching tv.  It’s bizzare.

I am totally uninspired by my job and not really getting much done at work these days.

I am not motivated to learn anything about my new town and once again find it totally uninspiring.

It’s even hard to get myself excited about doing yoga or going swimming which are usually things I Love.

It’s bad enough that I have been googleing “prenatal depression”.  I’m not sad or angry by any means I just feel nothing.

I’ve gone through periods of life before where I have been unenthusiastic about my job or my home but that usually motivates me to make a change.  Usually when I get like this I start some crazy plan to move or change carreers or go back to school or start a business.  But I never want to do nothing.  I am even finding it really hard to blog because I feel so boring right now.

I hope it is because I am so exhausted and  don’t have the energy for anything new right now.  I really hope it goes away in trimester 2 and doesn’t lurk around as my new foggy existence.

Anybody know anything or have any experiences with this.   I’m crawling out of my skin with boredom and yet I loathe the idea of doing anything.

In the good news department.  I called my doctor’s office and scheduled an NT ultrasound for Dec 10th.  We won’t necessarily need it since I did the MaterniT21 test, but I couldn’t turn down an opportunity for Cloudy and I to see our growing bebe.  It turns out that the best thing to do is just call and schedule whatever you want and not consult a Dr or nurse about it first.  We’ll see how that flies with the insurance…..   I spoke to a live human first ring and she seemed competent and helpful!  I was shocked.

Expectations

I have not been overly impressed with my OB to date.  Just in general the office seems a little flaky.  I can call 4 times in a day and not get anyone to answer.  My appointment times have been confused on their part and I’ve had to show them my reminder card to help them understand it wasn’t my fault.  And then in general I don’t feel like I’ve received the level of care that I want from the doctor in terms of screenings and monitoring.

It came to me over the weekend that I need to take some responsibility for part of this.  I have certain expectations for this pregnancy that are based on 1.) the care I received at my previous OB, 2.) information I wished I had had in my first pregnancy,  and 3.) the care I have read about other bloggers getting without asking for it.   So it is possible that it isn’t fair for me to get mad at a doctor for not meeting expectations she hasn’t been made aware of.

Also, I think because I already thought I knew what to expect from pre-natal care I did not think to have a conversation with my new doctor about their standard protocol for treating pregnant women.    It occurred to me that maybe I need to have this conversation.  I need to explain what I expect but also hear what their standard is so that we are both working off of the same set of expectations.  Hopefully this will avoid any future freak outs on my part in relation to not getting something I thought was going to happen.  I likely also need to make a call to my insurance company after I have talked to the doctor so that I know what I can expect to be covered in my pregnancy plan.

Gone are the days that I can expect my doctor to be one step ahead of me in terms of offering me information I didn’t know I could have.   Blogging will do that to you, makes you all too aware of what is out there.

I am going in for a blood draw for the MaterniT21-like test this morning.  Again I do not know if I can expect to have this chat with my doctor today or if I will just being seeing a tech.  But if I don’t see her I will call repeatedly until someone answers and can get me in touch with her.  Ahh a plan!

Haircuts and Story-time

On Friday I got my haircut by someone I have never met before.  When I walked in she introduced herself to me and asked what I wanted with my hair.  From there we naturally progressed to my favorite part;  the washing.  I like to sit back close my eyes and let someone else pamper me.  As soon as I sat down it started.

“Are you married?  How long?  Do you have kids?”

“Um, I’ve been married for 2 years and no kids yet.  You?”

From this point on she did all the talking and it was all about how she has been married for 5 years, has one little girl and another baby on the way. She is exactly as far a long as I am.  10 weeks that day.  She told me all about her first perfect pregnancy and easy birth because “People always want to tell you their bad stories, no one wants to tell you how easy it can be!”

Actually, people like to tell me how easy it is all the time, and that makes me crazy, but thanks.

The whole time I just sat there, not relaxing, wondering if I should tell her that I was expecting too and that we were at the same point.  But I never did.  She proceeded to tell me how she hopes this one is a boy so that she can be done because she hates being pregnant.  She talked about how sick and grouchy she had been feeling.  It was surreal.

I left thinking,  how nice it would be to talk that openly about my pregnancy with no fear of things going wrong.  How cool to be able to tell a complete stranger everything about everything you are feeling.   I was too scared to tell her anything.  I was jealous of her.  But my hair looked good so I will likely subject myself to it again 🙂

Finally

I have some information on this little life I am carrying.  Some info is better than none right?

I was not too impressed with my appointment once again.  When I got there with my exceedingly full bladder I was told to give a urine sample.  I asked the nurse if I should wait until after my ultrasound to do that and she said.

“Oh we don’t have you on the schedule today for an ultrasound”    Cue freak out.    I told her that the doctor definitely told me that we would be getting one this time.  She said she would talk to the doctor and find out but that I should go ahead and give my sample.

I was upset but I did as I was told.  I forced by body to release just a small amount of pee into the little jar and then stop and hold it.  My body was not happy about this.  Now I had to pee more than ever.  But I was determined to see my baby.

I sat through the nurses questions, and then the residents questions.  And then finally I was able to see the doctor.  We discussed our options as far as testing goes and decided that we do want to do the  fetal dna from maternal blood test at 10 weeks.  So I will be going in next Tuesday to give a little blood and hopefully from that we will know if we have any chromosomal issues.

Finally she said “I know you want to see your little one so lets go have a look on our spare machine”   HALLELUJAH!   Wait?  Spare Machine?

She did the ultrasound.  She did find baby right away but she mostly just got shots of my excessively large black hole of a bladder.  It was obvious that she did not routinely perform ultrasounds.  She showed us the face and we saw the flicker of a heartbeat.  I was relieved.

Cloudy asked if we could hear the heartbeat and she informed us that she didn’t know how to turn the sound on on this machine.  Awesome, well can you tell us the rate?  “Oh it’s about 140 to 150 just perfect”  Sure, yeah did you count that?  And which is it because there is a big difference between 140 and 150 and are you just trying to placate me?

Long story to say that we are having a baby and it does have a beating heart.  We did see it squirm around and wave it’s little arm nubbens which was pretty darn cool.  But we don’t know the heart rate, we don’t know if it is measuring on schedule for our dating.  And the picture was crappy at best.  I guess we’ll take it?

I don’t think we will get another ultrasound before 20 weeks unless we demand it.  Should I do that?

I am trying not to be disappointed, I am pregnant, and the baby is alive today!

You can see my silly iPhone capture of our ultrasound picture on my new pictures page if you are interested.

Now that tomorrow is almost here

I’m scared.  All I have wanted for the last four weeks is for tomorrow to be here so that I can have an ultrasound and see my baby.

I have been frustrated at not having had  more monitoring and testing up to this point and thought it was crazy that I had to wait until 9 weeks and 4 days before I could know anything about this pregnancy.

What I failed to see was the beauty in not knowing.  Me, my husband and mom have been telling me that everything is fine.  None of the three of us is a doctor but we have so far managed to convince me that I am pregnant and nothing is wrong.  Yes well, we did this during my first pregnancy too and I was convinced everything was fine but at 20 weeks I had an ultrasound to prove otherwise.

From the time I got my second pink line up until yesterday I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of tomorrow.  Today I feel like putting on the brakes.  I feel like staying in my land of make believe where I can easily be convinced that things are fine.  Sure I want to hear the heartbeat and see my baby and hear  that everything is perfect so far, but not at the risk of not getting to hear any of those things.

I’m really scared.  I don’t want this taken from me.

Shameful Pregnancy Confession

I have to tell you guys something.

I have been a vegetarian for 3 years and didn’t eat any read meat for a couple years before that.  Also, I gave up fast food right after college (ok I have the occasional drive through french fry-day).  So when I get hungry, T.aco Be.ll isn’t even on my radar.  Usually.

For the last few weeks I have been craving soft tacos from T.aco Be.ll something fierce.  At first I thought this was strange and kinda gross of me.  But I couldn’t stop myself from wanting them, bad.

Yesterday I went out of town for a meeting and on my way home…… (we all see where this is going)

I got my tacos!  I pulled through the drive through, I paid cash, and I was careful to immediately destroy all evidence.  I didn’t tell Cloudy.

They were really good!  And I don’t even feel that bad about it.  Luckily I am not craving them at all today.  Hopefully that is my last fast food scandal this pregnancy.