Not the end of the world, just this blog

Well the world didn’t end today.  But fall 2012 did.  Today is the official start of winter.  Luckily it is also the shortest day of the year and beginning tomorrow we will see the sun a little more each day.

I have decided to stop writing.  At least for now and in this space.

When I started my blog I needed to write.  I had too much pain and frustration to keep inside.  It was such a release and needed outlet for me.  Now, I find myself struggling to make the change from a infertile and loss writer to a pregnant one.  I stress about what I am going to write next, and stress over how it will be received.   An if I am honest, I am not enjoying it.

I chose the title for my blog because for me it represented the challenge and mystery that comes with being a human in a woman’s body.  I started with writing as an infertile that had suffered a loss but always hoped I would someday be more than just that.  I wanted this blog to grow and change with me.  I wanted to write as a wife, a mother, a friend.  But after moving through that initial phase I am realizing that this is not the appropriate space to do that.  In order to grow and change sometimes you have to shed skin that is too tight.

I also wanted to write my story in public forum because I hoped maybe someone out there reading would feel less alone and a little more hopeful.  I wanted women to read a story of another women battling pcos and winning that battle with non-traditional methods.  I wanted other women who are afraid of iui and ivf to have the courage to look into other healing modalities.    For me, acupuncture and herbs and some dietary changes were enough.  It wasn’t cheap, it wasn’t easy, and I often wondered if it would be enough.  I know it is not the answer for everyone, but I hope other women can find the answers they are looking for in alternative medicine and that this blog serves as an inspiration to them.

I also know that there are not a lot of stories out there about women who terminate at 21 weeks for trisomy 18.  I know because I searched desperately for them.    I hope I can shed some light and healing on this awful story that others are living though.  I hope I can help them feel less alone.

Writing until I got pregnant again was the right thing to do because I needed the support and the community.  I also like to believe it will give others hope that you can live thoguh what I lived through and go on to get pregnant again.  Even though it is scarier and more sad than before I did get pregnant and I am ok.

I terminated our loved baby 1 at 21 weeks.  I did not even know anything was wrong until our 20 week anatomy scan.  I am not there yet with this pregnancy.  Today I am only 15 weeks.    So I may still have many fears and tears to live through with this pregnancy.  I hope like hell that I will hold this baby in my arms in June but I know there is a very small chance that I won’t and that chance is real and in my mind daily.  But I have to believe.  I have to move on.  I have some  more medical knowledge this go around and some great test results to help me sleep at night.  So I am ok.

And it turns out I just don’t enjoy being an anonymous pregnant blogger.  We have a family blog and I may turn more to that so that I can be known and know my readers (I think our mom’s are the only ones who have any interest at all:)  That seems a better place for symptom bitching and bump pictures.

I can’t even begin to thank each and every one of you who has followed me on my journey.  There just aren’t big enough words to convey my gratitude and love to you.   I consider some of you real friends.  I would not have made it through some days with out you.  I will continue to follow along with many of you and want to continue commenting on several of your blogs.  I might be a bit behind most of the time.  I want to know how you all are but don’t have it in me anymore to read 20+ blogs everyday.  Many of you have my email and  hope you will use it.

Fair well friends.  Take care of each other.

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15 thoughts on “Not the end of the world, just this blog

  1. Oh this is sad, but I totally understand. I consider you my friend so I hope we can keep in touch via email (on a more personal level!). Please don’t become a stranger!! xoxo

  2. Oh bummer for me, but yay for you to be moving onwards and upwards. I’ve loved your comments on my blog and hope you may continue to do so from time to time. Maybe you will email me with your other blog name so I can follow that? As you know, I’m on the alternative therapies pathway to our baby too. So I’m keen to stay in touch if you are willing. My email is pepibebeblogger at g mail dot com.

  3. Everyone has their own journey to follow and I understand yours. Now that my babe has arrived I am struggling to find my place in blog land. I don’t think I am a mommy blogger but who knows. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

  4. Hello dear Sunshine! I was so sad that you’re going – I love your voice and think you have a valuable story to share – but totally understand your reasons for it. I’m glad you are still commenting, and I would love to stay in touch by following your personal blog. I can’t find your contact info here but please email me at elizabeth dot suisse at gmail dot com. Lots of love xxxx

  5. Whew, I finally caught up on reading your blog. I’m sad to see you leave but I understand your reasoning. I’m currently trying to follow a natural path to motherhood and it gives me lots of hope that you did the same. (I really am enjoying acupuncture by the way, and I can feel subtle changes happening…I’m trying hard to be patient but it’s so hard!). I’m so happy for you that you have achieved this pregnancy. I hope that the next few months go well and that you will soon be holding your baby in your arms. I’ll keep thinking of you and sending you tons of good vibes!!

I always love hearing from you.

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