friendship makes honesty harder

This post at My Life is About the Journey really hit me. I echo the sentiment 100%.   This one at Stupid Stork touched on similar things as well.

I started comments in response to both of their blogs but they got long enough I thought I would just weigh in here with my own thoughts on this pregnant infertile issue.

One of the reasons that I started blogging was that I had a story of infertility and loss and I didn’t feel like I had a place in my life to share that story in it’s un-watered down truth.  In sharing with friends and family I was always using filters and leaving out certain details or certain feelings I was having about those details.  I was doing this because I know these people, I know that some things that were my truth would hurt their feelings.  And I thought they would judge me for parts of my truth and that would hurt my feelings.  This is why I say that friendship makes honesty harder.  Knowing someone and caring about them lends to wanting to protect them and yourself.

With a blog I could put it all out there.  I could be completely honest.  This felt safe because I was writing anonymously and complete strangers were reading my words.  I kept an electronic  journal during my first battle with infertility and then during my short pregnancy and what it was like going through the loss.  This made starting a blog easy because I just took this journal, took out names and other identifying facts, and hit publish.  Everything was written before I knew anyone in this community.  It was not written to spare anyone or with any need to protect myself.  It was the most honest writing I have ever written.

Once my pre-written story was out I kept writing.  I followed other women’s blogs that were trying to get pregnant and I became invested in their stories.  I felt like I belonged to something and that I wasn’t alone.  I felt accepted for my truth.   I liked knowing these women and naturally felt a real connection to some of you.  Even the ones that I didn’t feel connected to, I felt compassion and empathy for.   I started to have some filters.  It’s important to be sensitive to everyone’s story because they are all valid.

I think we all fear that there is some sort of competition going in the who is most infertile category.  And maybe there is.  We all send messages to each other filled with support and hope and I think honest desire that those among us get pregnant.  And then silently curse our new friends when they do.  It really shouldn’t be a competition.  We all deserve to be here.  We all deserve to write our truth.

But I still filter now.  Because I have learned that so and so blogger that I love and respect has different religious beliefs than I do, or this other blogger that I relate to so much has different political beliefs than I do, or someone else who I love has been through something way worse or harder than I have.  So I write with the aim to not offend or be judged.  It’s the right thing to do because none of you should be hurt by one of us.  But it does make my writing a little watered down and my truth a little censored.

Being here and being pregnant is really hard.  My blogging has been hurt by my pregnancy because I don’t want my blogger friends to be hurt by my pregnancy.  I am afraid to talk about the joy and wonder of pregnancy because I am afraid of the unwritten comment “yeah screw you sunshine, we’re all still stuck in the hell of trying while you gloat about your baby”.   And I’m afraid to tell you all how much I truly hate being pregnant because we all know the answer to that one “You ungrateful fertile!  I would throw up every last meal for the rest of my life if it meant I was pregnant.  And I would laugh and smile about it.”   So I write less.  I hope it hurts you less.

Commenting.  Another hard one.  Now that I am pregnant I am super self conscious of my comments.  Especially to women who are still trying.  Will my comment, no matter how heartfelt, just remind you that I am pregnant and you are not?  Do you think I no longer care or understand?  Maybe it’s best to follow silently and not say anything.  But then I’m the bitch that got pregnant and left you all in the trenches.

It can be very stressful.  I don’t need my blog to be stressful.  I am pregnant, it reminds me of being pregnant before and having to end that pregnancy and have my baby ripped from me.  It scares me that I will have to go through the same thing or some new unknown horror.  Being pregnant is stressful for me, I don’t need writing about it to be stressful.  So I write less, but I still love all of you the same.  I still want to follow your stories and continue to hope the very best for you.

My yahoo reader is divided into three categories.  Pregnant or parenting bloggers (all of whom I followed through the struggle to get there), you warriors that are still trying, and then a few from column A and B that I don’t think read my blog or care one way or the other if I comment so I follow along silently.  In all honesty I don’t really enjoy finding new pregnancy blogs with my same due date, I’m not looking for mommy friends right now.  If you are pregnant and I follow you it’s because I care so much about your story and your happily ever after that I think about you even when the computer is off.   I still find myself picking up new TTCers because that is still where I relate the most, although they don’t know it since I’m a stupid fertile now.

I am happy to say that I have been able to put a lot of TTCers in the pregnant column and I am so in love with you ladies and your stories and I am convinced that blogging is the universal cure for infertility so don’t stop!

Here is another dose of honesty from me (are you still reading? this is getting long and rambly I’m afraid)  I find infertility more interesting to read and write about than pregnancy.  I think cervical mucus is more interesting than morning sickness.  I think BBT charts are more fascinating than comparing baby size to fruit.  Although the pregnants have some pretty good poop and boob stories…..  But drugs and triggers and herbs and needles are far more fascinating than prenatal vitamins and prune juice.  Once I take out all the stuff that is either going to offend the pregnant or the trying, and the stuff that I think is going to leave me shamed and judged by my internet heros, the blog posts I have left bore the crap out of me and leave me un…motivated.

That is enough outta me for one day.  But before I go here is my truth today.

I don’t actually enjoy pregnancy that much. At least not the first trimester because I feel like shit, pretty much all the time. I miss feeling good. I want to be pregnant, I will live with all of my symptoms for the chance at having a baby at the end. But I am not grateful for my morning sickness, I am not grateful for my constipation, or my huge belly that is huge because of gas not baby. Honestly, so far, pregnancy sucks, and I have extreme fear to add this time around because I have suffered a loss.  I know that I am lucky, but I’ll thank luck when my baby is home with me.

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10 thoughts on “friendship makes honesty harder

  1. Yep. Be honest in your writing, or (for me at least) it just isn’t worth it. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself in this space. Honestly, I don’t, and it feels GOOD to write about whatever the hell I want to. Maybe post #1 offends someone and post #2 bores someone, but that’s okay, b/c it’s MY space and I need to use is for ME. That’s why I blog.

    I hope you can get back to writing HONEST posts about what you’re feeling – and I guarantee you, it will help others not feel so alone. I did NOT like being pregnant, and I’m sure it hurt some IFers to read that, but it’s the truth. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows once you get that BFP.

    Hang in there hon – I’ll be reading!

    • PS, there are only a few bloggers that I have quit following, and most of the time it’s because they quit being honest and I got bored with nothing but fluffy “my life and everything in it is perfect” posts. The only other reason I have quit is b/c of someone’s political beliefs (i.e. she wrote after Obama got reelected that anyone who supports him is supporting murder,etc – and I can’t stand that kind of judgment and intolerance). My point is to be honest. People will still read if they care, and if they don’t agree with you or it hurts too much, they can click away.

  2. I am so glad you decided to write a post about this. Blogger tends to eat comments of a long length for some reason. I am glad I have another honest blogger friend out there who really gets it! The whole commenting thing I completely get. I think the commenting on other people’s blogs is harder than writing my own posts. I really want to give support to those who I have been following, but I feel like they might not see my comments as supportive. Sometimes I do feel like I write the same comments over and over again because I am not sure what to say. I feel so much for the person going through the pain and I get it, but how much else is there to say. So very tough. I am so glad you are here and I am so glad that you are still writing. I read all your posts! xoxo -D

  3. What a TRUE post, regarding friendship making honesty harder. I can’t relate in the infertility realm, but it’s totally why I started my blog about my marriage. I can’t call my best friend up and sob to them about how hard it is that my husband wants to be a woman. They a) don’t get it b) would say leave your marriage c) hate my husband …. it’s impossible.
    I’m so glad you found such amazing support in the blog world, and I hope you will let your blog be whatever it needs to be for you. It starts out as one thing, but transforms, just like you. No matter how hard you every try to stay the same, you’re always changing, and so will your blog. I don’t think anyone expects it to always stay as it did day 1.
    I’m sorry pregnancy is sucking for you now =( There are some valid reasons pregnancy sucks. I hope you get to the good feeling part and get some enjoyment out of it, you certainly deserve it.

  4. This is your space first and foremost. We have chosen to come to your space and listen to your voice. There will be some that leave but more that stay. Be honest, because it’s refreshing.

    I’ve struggled with how I’m going to handle the ups and downs of pregnancy. It’s not a walk in the park for most people. Infertile or not, we suffer the same unpleasant symptoms that plague those who have no problem conceiving. It is harder for us to get here yes, but that does not mean that we should be miserable in silence just because we are blessed to finally be at this point. This community is about supporting one another and if you’re having a bad day or you need to vent about feeling crappy, do so because we will be here to give you a virtual hug and hope that you feel better tomorrow.

  5. Something’s stirred up around the blogs, and I have seen it happen before. Truth is, there will always be someone who’s hurt by reading about pregnancy, no matter how tough it is for the pregnant woman. I know you don’t want to feel sick all the time, who would want that? I know you would love to enjoy the pregnancy and tell the world with confidence, but how could you possibly do that with your history? I know you want to buy all the cute things while your belly is growing, but how could you allow yourself just in case?

    I would be scared shitless if I ever got pregnant again. Maybe even get depressed who knows. It’s such a complex and difficult topic and everyone is different in their reactions. But everyone is also hurting, one way or the other, still waiting, going through treatment or being pregnant. It doesn’t go away. We simply know too much but there’s no way we can even beging to compare.

    Tough reading, then don’t! Can’t give support right now or on specific posts, then click away. And for you my dear – please do not take it personal, ok.

    If someone is jealous of you then they should be jealous of your WHOLE journey and then they might think again. Just saying.

  6. This is such a beautiful post. I love that you care so much about people you’ve never even met. I understand why you have conflicting emotions but I hope that you don’t censor yourself too much. This blog is YOUR therapy and you should be allowed to write whatever you want. Besides, I would much rather read pregnancy complaints from an IF sister than a silly fertile. It doesn’t sting so much coming from you because I know that you have empathy for my continuing plight. You understand more than any fertile ever could. So keep on writing from your heart!

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