Yesterday marked one year since we terminated our first pregnancy last December for trisomy 18. On one hand it seems crazy to me that a year has past already because I remember it as clear as if it just happened. On the other hand it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year because it feels like I have been carrying the weight of that story for much longer.
Even though I am one trimester into another pregnancy I can’t help but think about my first one and how much I loved that baby. It would be unfair to say that I don’t love this baby because of course I do. But it’s a love I only allow myself to feel in small doses because I am still so scared it will be taken from me.
I did not want yesterday to pass without acknowledging our loss or our love for our first child. We are not the kind of people to make a large memorial or have an annual ceremony. We are more the type of people to hold our memory in our heart and not let it out. But yesterday as we were putting up our first Christmas tree together and decorating our house for the winter holidays I was singing one minute and crying the next.
I am so happy to be carrying a precious new little baby, but I can’t help but be reminded of the fact that this should be baby’s first Christmas. I can’t help but remember the sorrow of last year at this time. So I am doing the best I can. I am feeling my joy when it is there and making room for my pain when it needs it. Cloudy is being good about trying to keep up and trying to know if I need a hug or a minute to myself.
In order to have our first baby with us this holiday season we lit a special candle and said some loving words. It will stay on our fireplace alongside the other decorations and will be lit as a way to keep our family whole.
We still have not received the results of our MaterniT21 test and I am going bonkers. I thought perhaps my not-so-on-it doctor’s office may have heard something so I called last Friday to remind them that I want to know maybe a little sooner than just whenever they get around to it. I of course, had to leave a message. So I will call again today. It is possible that they have not heard anything and that they will call as soon as they know. It is also possible that our results are sitting in a unopened envelope on a desk somewhere just hanging out. Motherhood takes more patience than I could’ve ever imagined.