October 15th

I am sad to say that I know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many of you probably know this as well. I am pretty sure none of my friends in my life even know about this day or that it is today. But here I am, in the terribly unfortunate group of women that know about this day and meet it with a heavy heart.

My loss is something that I shared on this blog and shared with most of my friends and family in real life. With some people I shared because I had to, they knew I was pregnant and I had to explain that that didn’t mean I was having a baby, and in fact I wasn’t. But with you all I shared because I wanted to, because I needed to, because I needed a bigger place to keep my sorrow than inside my own heart.

I shared my story with a group of strangers that also have a story to tell. The most amazing thing blossomed out of that. In my nightmare I was met with love and compassion and empathy and support.

I don’t talk about my loss very much anymore. I don’t write about it very often either. I made different choices than a lot of women with similar stories. I did not find out the sex of my baby, or name it. I thought about getting a tattoo or making a blanket for my lost baby, but I didn’t do these things either. None of these things felt right to my husband and I. I still cry but I prefer to do it alone and not talk about it. The truth is no one really knows what to say because I don’t really know what I need to hear. I feel grateful for my grief because it is my connection to my lost baby. It is manageable now and not as overwhelming as it used to be. I lost a baby, and I am ok with being sad about that. So I am not over it but I am living with it. I’m ok.

In general I choose not to talk about my grief because it is so personal. But today I acknowledge that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. I acknowledge that I am not alone. So many women and men are living with their own stories of lost children. I am proud to know this group of people because they are some of the most amazing people I have even ever heard about. I have not read a story of another women who lost her child or her possibility of child that was not completely amazing and caring and truly filled with the love of a mother.

In honor of my own story and the stories of the amazing women of the world I will be taking some time out of my evening to remember. To remember my baby and all of yours. To acknowledge their short lives with a candle. I will meditate on the idea of you all finding a peaceful way to live with what has happened and that your broken hearts stay broken wide open to the possibilities of all that this amazing life still has to offer you.

I am sad that I know what today is, but honored to know you.

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