Broken, Breaking Down

My temp was down about halfway on Saturday morning and then took the big plummet Sunday morning.  I take my temperature at 5:00 every morning and then get up to give the dog his first dose of medication.  When I saw that 97.28 I knew that it was over and that saturday’s drop was not a fluke.  I fed the dog his breakfast and pills as I sat sobbing on the living room floor.  I don’t usually react this strongly but it just came and wouldn’t stop.  Cloudy heard me and came down and held me as I cried on the floor. 

I was hoping that I was being super emotional because it was early and I was tired so I went back to bed.  When I woke up again at 8:00 the same scene ensued only I wasn’t on the floor this time.  I pretty much cried all day yesterday and my eyes are tearing up now just thinking about it. 

Crying because I’m not pregnant.  And crying because this time last year I was!  I was pregnant, I made it past the dreaded 12 week miscarriage window and I am supossed to be a mom right now.  But I am not.  I’m just a tired stressed crazy person (sounds like a mom but you don’t get the tiny cuddles at the end of the day that make it all worth it)  I am so sad that my baby’s life was so short that I never got to meet her/him.  And I am so mad that here I am two years after we started trying, still no baby. 

I can usually take the hit with a lot more courage and optimisim.  But the start of this cycle just feels like a continuation of my doom. 

One thought that keeps popping into my head is that I am such a rookie.  All I have done is try a ton of supplements and herbs and needles.  All I have done is monitor my bbt and have sex with my husband.  And frankly I am over it.  I don’t want to try anymore.  Of course I will keep trying but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to take my temperature every morning for months on end just to know that I’m not pregnant.  Honestly, I don’t even want to have sex with my husband anymore because it feels like non-alcoholic beer (what’s the point right?) 

We were able to get a house to rent in the town we are moving to and I was so excited about it and now I don’t want to move into a place with more bedrooms than my broken uterus can fill. 

And I’m a f’ing rookie.  So many of you have done so much more for so much longer.  I can’t help but think about the women who have put themselves through multiple IVFs.  I can’t help but think about the women who have spent 10 or more years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to grow their families. 

You ladies are warriors and I’m an f’ing rookie and I want to quit.  I want to just sit on the floor with my dog and sob and give up. 

Cycle day 2, whoo hoo!



19 thoughts on “Broken, Breaking Down

  1. Ugh, Sunshine, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this today. I distinctly remember doing the exact same thing when my temps plummeted. The only positive was that I hadn’t wasted the money on an HPT. Honestly, I was just like you and was 18 months into trying with supplements, acupuncture, BBT, etc…which I DO think helped, but it just wasn’t doing it for me… and i was petrified to jump into ART. In retrospect, the IUI was easy (though I cannot imagine those that do IVF!). Have you considered trying an IUI? If you’re ovulating pretty regularly (which it seems you are), you might be able to get an OB or RE who will do the IUI procedure without tons of testing first, which would help with the money aspect (our IUI cost maybe $200?). I think my hubby’s swimmers just needed a little help getting to the right place at the right time, and I didn’t have to take my temperature once. Just a thought…

    If not, then I hope and pray that THIS will be the cycle for you, and that less than a year from now, you’ll have a bambino in your arms. Hang in there – it’s not a bad thing to be a ‘rookie,’ – and I hope you never have to go to the big leagues!!

    • Thanks Josey. After reading your comment IUI sounds more and more promising. I’m going to start looking into it and asking around to see if I can find someone to talk to about moving in that direction. I should email you and see who you saw in Denver.

      • Ya, shoot me an email for sure. You’ll probably need a referral from your OB in order to see an RE (unless you can find an OB in your new area that performs IUIs – we just didn’t have anyone like that around my town). I had issues ovulating, so the big cost for us was all of the medications and monitoring, but if you ovulate pretty regularly, you shouldn’t need all of that, and the IUI itself is pretty cheap.

  2. I feel you, sister. Just remember that rookie or not, you are NOT alone. Regardless of the differences in the fights we are each having, we are each fighting. And we are not alone. Hopefully you will get some answers soon. My heart breaks for you. ❤

  3. My poor lovely, this was me last week. A sobbing bleeding mess. To the letter. I am a rookie on my first couple of months of clomid and I feel like I am drowning. The only advice I can give you is to tell you that for me temping all month doesn’t help my mental health. I temp from about CD8 until I have confirmed ovulation. I then stop and assume I am not pregnant until my period arrives. Maybe one day I will have a lovely surprise. I never test ever and wont until I am at least three days late. I did temping all month and testing on 11DPO for several months and it was driving me batty. This may not be right for you but it has saved a small sliver of my sanity. The supplements and alternative medicine is a really good place to star, but if you are getting frustrated do talk to your doctor about how to move things forward. There is nothing wrong with hearing the options. Massive hugs from another rookie.

    • It makes perfect sense to only temp for ovulation. The other days just make me over analize everything. I am totally with you, after one month of testing on day 12 I will never put myself through that again. I think I am going to have to start looking into other options.

      I hope you are feeling better this week, I know you had the stress of a move too. Hugs right back at ya!

  4. Nooooo. I got so sad when I saw your post. 😦 I am so sorry. One thing that can be said for dogs, though, is that they are so comforting. I feel like they know. They get it. They can’t say anything so they just sit there with you and let you hold them while you cry. You definitely have every right to be upset, frustrated, annoyed, angry, etc. Just because it you haven’t been working at this as long as some other may have doesn’t make it any less painful for you. IF and loss suck no matter what. I never thought I would have to see a reproductive specialist, but I’m happy I went (in retrospect). My one word of advice is don’t give up! You are a fighter. You have been through so much and I know you won’t stop until you have a baby in your arms. You can and will do this! I’m always here for you no matter what and will never stop cheering for you.

  5. My heart breaks for you. It’s not fair. And I can’t help but thinking that this might go deeper than a failed cycle, each time it happen to me I feel the grief of what should have been, the weight of our loss. You should have been a Mother by now damnit. So there’s no wonder such a reaction comes once in a while.
    You can only do so much and when everything is tried and tested, frustration builds up, and you feel like you have hit a stone wall. It’s overwhelming, scary and confusing (in my own experience). Sending hugs your way, know that you are not alone.

  6. The whole things just sucks. 10 DPO through CD 2 are really hard for me – admitting defeat and girding the loins to start back in. Again. It is so very, very hard. I’m sorry about the BFN.

  7. Oh Sunshine! I want to come give you a great big southern hug. I’m sorry this wasn’t your month. Cry, rage, feel. You call yourself a rookie but I call you an IF sister. You have a lot of lovely ladies that care and are here for you too. You are not alone. Utilize the puppy for some fuzz therapy. I swear animals are like little non speaking (sometimes) therapists that make you feel better with just a cuddle. Most of all, hang in there.

    • I would love a southern hug right about now! I totally have the fuzzy friends for selfish reasons. They more than earn thier keep with all the love and fur flying around.

  8. Oh Sunshine … I am so sad for you. I remember when I wrote about being sad and crying on a bench in the rain four or five months ago, and you said you’d like to come and bring me some hot chocolate and give me a hug. That is exactly what I would like to do for you right now.

    Like Marwil says, it’s not just one lost cycle that’s upsetting you so, it’s the very real loss you’re still grieving. So be patient with yourself and let the emotions come and when you’re ready, you’ll pick yourself up and keep going as strong as before. I know you will.

    • You are awesome and I would love to share that hot chocolate in the rain.

      You are right. The grief is still very real. You are right again. I need to let it come and take its space and move through me so that I can get back up and try again.

  9. First, let me say – I am heartbroken for you, and it is unfuckingbelievably unfair that you are not a Mom yet. You are (ARE) going to make a fantastic one.

    That being said, yooouuuu, my love, are not going to quit. If I have to come personally into your house and tickle you with my bare hands, then so be it. SO BE IT.

    You for sure have no business contemplating other women being warriors as YOU ARE ONE. I myself am a badass and I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of strength and awesomeness you must possess.

I always love hearing from you.

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