My temp was down about halfway on Saturday morning and then took the big plummet Sunday morning. I take my temperature at 5:00 every morning and then get up to give the dog his first dose of medication. When I saw that 97.28 I knew that it was over and that saturday’s drop was not a fluke. I fed the dog his breakfast and pills as I sat sobbing on the living room floor. I don’t usually react this strongly but it just came and wouldn’t stop. Cloudy heard me and came down and held me as I cried on the floor.
I was hoping that I was being super emotional because it was early and I was tired so I went back to bed. When I woke up again at 8:00 the same scene ensued only I wasn’t on the floor this time. I pretty much cried all day yesterday and my eyes are tearing up now just thinking about it.
Crying because I’m not pregnant. And crying because this time last year I was! I was pregnant, I made it past the dreaded 12 week miscarriage window and I am supossed to be a mom right now. But I am not. I’m just a tired stressed crazy person (sounds like a mom but you don’t get the tiny cuddles at the end of the day that make it all worth it) I am so sad that my baby’s life was so short that I never got to meet her/him. And I am so mad that here I am two years after we started trying, still no baby.
I can usually take the hit with a lot more courage and optimisim. But the start of this cycle just feels like a continuation of my doom.
One thought that keeps popping into my head is that I am such a rookie. All I have done is try a ton of supplements and herbs and needles. All I have done is monitor my bbt and have sex with my husband. And frankly I am over it. I don’t want to try anymore. Of course I will keep trying but I don’t want to. I don’t want to take my temperature every morning for months on end just to know that I’m not pregnant. Honestly, I don’t even want to have sex with my husband anymore because it feels like non-alcoholic beer (what’s the point right?)
We were able to get a house to rent in the town we are moving to and I was so excited about it and now I don’t want to move into a place with more bedrooms than my broken uterus can fill.
And I’m a f’ing rookie. So many of you have done so much more for so much longer. I can’t help but think about the women who have put themselves through multiple IVFs. I can’t help but think about the women who have spent 10 or more years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to grow their families.
You ladies are warriors and I’m an f’ing rookie and I want to quit. I want to just sit on the floor with my dog and sob and give up.
Cycle day 2, whoo hoo!