This has nothing to do with my fertility but everything to do with my feelings and my relationship lately.
I have mentioned that Cloudy applied for a promotion within our organization but that we would have to move if he gets it. It takes forever for the system to churn out an answer so we have been in limbo for several months now. We knew that the guy was retiring in May and that the position would be made promotional from inside only and Cloudy wanted to go for it.
He made this decision because even though we really love where we live (like can’t think of a place more perfect for us) his current position is a lot of work. He basically runs a program by himself and it gets to be too much sometimes. He is always stressed about work. This new job would be more money and about the same amount of responsibility but he would have help. He would basically be supervising several people doing the projects instead of doing them all by himself.
The position is in a town that is a few hours from here and not nearly as nice. Right now Cloudy can roll out the back door to mountain biking and snowboarding (the two things he loves more than me). And in the new location these things would be 30-60 minute drives away.
In the new town, I’m not sure how easy it would be to find like minded people. We are vegetarians, we compost and recycle, things like this. I think we will be considered weird hippies in the new town. I don’t think everyone should be the same but it is so nice if you can at least know a few like minded people. I am more afraid of not being accepted than not accepting the people around us.
And then there is the place to live situation. I own a house where we live now and one 6 hours away that I rent out. Neither one can sell for what I owe on them so we would have them both rented. I think we would both be pretty nervous about a 3rd mortgage so we would need to find a place we could rent that would take our 2 dogs and 2 cats (impossible!)
I would be giving up my yoga teaching opportunity here which I love! There is no studio in the new town so it may be an opportunity to capture the market but, there may not be any market out there, and I don’t want to start anything crazy. I just want my 2 classes a week like I have now.
So why the heck would we go?
Cloudy would make more money and have more job satisfaction. The cost of living is significantly lower and we could save a bunch of money (assuming we aren’t traveling every weekend because we hate it there:). This would allow me to work part time or even quit
if when we have kids.
It would free up a lot of obligations we currently have and we would have more time to just enjoy living.
And I like change, for the sake of change. I really do, it holds so much promise.
Anyway, all of this is to say that for the last few months I have been on pins and needles wondering what our life holds for us in the near future. My emotions have run the gamut from being excited about moving to being really sad about leaving. And the not knowing has made me an obsessive nervous wreck. I worry about being resentful that we made this move for Cloudy’s job but I hate it there, and I have worried about him never enjoying the amazing place we live if we stay because his job is consuming him.
Until…. I came to the conclusion that I can be happy either way and I can be miserable either way. It’s up to me! If he gets the job I can be excited about the change and the possibility of a different wonderful life. And if he doesn’t we can stay here and I will have a new found appreciation of the amazing place that we live.
It’s a great place to be when you can be happy with door #1 or door #2. How freeing. Now if I could just help Cloudy realize this and help set him free.