I think as we get older and our lives take various routes and we become individuals, it is much harder to maintain friendships.  When we are young we see each other at school, we know all the same people, and we rely on our parents to support our social endeavors.  The other thing about having friends when you are little is that you both want to hang out pretty much all the time.  You  hardly ever hear one third grader say to another, “That sounds great Mary but I will have to check my calendar and see what my brother thinks , and well, it’s just been so crazy, but I’ll call you and we’ll see.”  No busy lives, no excuses, it’s just yeah! let’s hang out and maybe mom will even let me sleep over!

Even in college it is relatively easy to maintain friendships with the people that go to the same school.  If you see each other in classes and know where to go to just find people hanging out, it is fairly easy.

I find friendships to be harder as an adult.  The friends that have been there since elementary school, high school, and college, are a little easier because they have stood the test of time.  There is a comfort with each other and a knowing that you both want to spend time together.   You might loose one or two here and there as we all change and grow into different adults with different lives, but the good ones usually stick around.  I’m talking specifically about the women friends that I have made since getting out of college and moving to a small town.  This town is full of women that like to be active and do stuff and are, I think, genuinely great women.  There are several that I would say I am friends with and probably most would say the same about me.  But it just doesn’t feel the same.  We run into each other and say that we need to get together and we occasionally do and it is always fun but it really just doesn’t happen that often.  I think part of this is life and scheduling, we all get carried away with the day to day stuff and the house projects and the life projects and who knows what, but we don’t make time to hang out with each other.   I get that with friends that don’t live near me,  have something to blame it on but what about all the friends I have that are within 15min of me all the time?  I never see them.

I know part of the problem is that as individuals we all have our preferred timing as far as schedules go.  I have one friend here ( that I see the most often actually) that I literally have to make plans with 3-5 weeks in advance.   She is always busy and has places she is going and things that she is doing and I know that so I make the effort to get on her calendar.  It drives me a little nuts sometimes that I can’t just call her up today and see a movie this weekend but it works.  Then I have the friends that have an allergic reaction to planning ahead and want to make general loose plans like let’s hang out sometime this week, I’ll text you.  So, I pretty much have to be ready to go when they text, they are that last minute.  That really drives me nuts!!   Can you not just commit to Wednesday night and hang out with me or do you foresee that many fun plans popping up that you just don’t want to be unavailable for?  Ohh and the cancel-ers make me crazy too.   We make a plan to grab a drink after work or go to breakfast and a bike ride on Sunday or whatever, and often times it is even their plan or idea!  I set aside the time and make plans with my husband for who is going to take care of our responsibilities at home (namely the high maintenance beloved dogs) and then I get a text minutes before I am supposed to be somewhere that they have decided to do something else and they don’t even try that hard to make up a good excuse.

As I type this, some insecurities are creeping in.  Maybe this just happens to me.  Maybe people just really don’t like me that much.  Maybe none of the people reading my blog are going to have a clue what I am talking about because they all have amazing friends.

Anyway.  I do have really really amazing fiends in my life and I wouldn’t even trade them for a baby.  Friends that help me get through everything and friends that inspire me, and make me laugh.  But they have been around a long time, and most of them don’t live within 5 hours drive from me.

Part of this is my fault because I do have a busy life and enjoy spending lots of time with Cloudy and I don’t always put in the effort to see people all the time.   I need to try harder.

As adults I think it takes more effort to create those bonds and keep them strong. I need to adapt to the people that plan way ahead and the people that say let’s get together in 20 min.  I need to realize that not everyone wants to make plans exactly 4-7 days ahead like me.  I need to try harder to make and keep women friends because that is something I need for my health and sanity.


13 thoughts on “Friends

  1. I totally get you on this one! Now that most of my friends have kids it is even harder to plan anything or get together for a last minute drink/movie. I am more like you in that I like to have plans a few days ahead of time. Not weeks in advance and not right now. Like you, I find myself trying to adapt, but sometimes it gets so frustrating and I feel like it must be me. Luckily we both have great husbands who we like to hang out with. I think that definitely helps.

    • So glad I am not alone on this one. Thank you. And it does help that we have husbands that we like to hang out with. At least their schedules are a little easier to coordinate.

  2. You are so right! I think part of my biggest struggle now is that all, and I mean downright all of my friends have kids. Big ones, small ones, unborn ones, and that obviously makes things harder to plan for. I get it, and what’s even worse is that part of me (or all of me) is slightly jealous that they have a cute squishy baby to hang out with instead of me. *Sigh* Growing up stinks.

  3. I agree that making and maintaining friends in adulthood is a big challenge. When you have a new friend it feels kind of awkward to make plans – you feel like you’re suffocating them if you call too many times. Then if they back out on your existing plans you start to over-analyze if they actually like you or not, when in reality it probably is just because they’re busy. Life is way too busy for most adults so it’s hard to find time to get together. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I totally feel the same way you do.

  4. I TOTALLY get it. I have a handful of amazing friends – all but one of whom I have known for a very. long. time.

    Reminds me of something I read once that basically said the older we get, the more we isolate ourselves from one another based on personal experiences, opinions, life scars, etc., until there’s only a few people that we can stand to be around. (Happy thoughts! lol)

    Plus when you’re younger friendships are the things you get thrown into, and when we’re post-college it really is like dating in a weird way.

    • Oh my gosh, Jenny from stupid stork was here! I’m excited and nervous.

      And now that you say it, there really are only a few people that I can stand to be around. I’m going to blame life. I need to open up a little bit!

  5. Yes on all counts. I have the same issues. If I don’t call and try to make plans, it doesn’t happen. The canceling thing I have gotten used to and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to because with some friends…you have to have a back-up plan. But maintaining friendships in your adult life is very tricky. You aren’t the only one dealing with this…trust me.

  6. I think it’s really rude to cancel plans the last minute. Anything can happen but for no reason, not OK. I have very few friends around and my best friends that have known me the longest are back in Sweden. It’s not easy to make new long lasting friendship when being adult.

  7. I have a couple of friends who I know will always be there for me. But even with them it’s hard to get stuff planned. We all have kids, which is NOT an excuse, but just makes it harder to plan. I try to always make the effort. Friends are important. We need them

I always love hearing from you.

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