Month Two of the blog hop for the Lovely Dandelion Breeze
The idea is for this BlogHop to be a space to write about, and share, a post about what has helped you along your loss and/or infertility journey… a support service… a friend… a book… a song… a website/forum… any information… anything.
In addition to the amazing friends and family I wrote about last month I can look back now and see that there were a few other things that have helped me get through my loss. They say that time heals everything. I wouldn’t say I am completely healed but maybe I just need more time. I can say that time has stopped the bleeding (literally and figuratively) and gotten me to a place where I can breathe and believe.
The first day that I had an empty belly and not a pregnant one I wanted to fill it back up again. I didn’t want the empty space and I didn’t want time. I thought that I could escape the pain if I could fill the void. This has always been my instinct when I have suffered a loss that comes with pain whether it be an old boyfriend, a job, the loss of a pet or grandparent. I want to replace the old with the new as quickly as possible. The instinct comes from fear, fear of knowing the loss and feeling the pain. One thing I have learned in my short life is that my intuition, never works by fear. It comes in cool, and calm, and assuredly. If I can gauge when my desires are motivated by fear and when they are motivated by love and intuition I can make better choices. When I have made choices motivated by fear I have always had to come back later and get my poor abandoned pain and heal it anyway. I decided to wait until I got the message to make a baby from intuition rather than a fear run instinct.
So I gave the fear of feeling a place to rest with me but I did not give into it’s need to fill my aching empty womb. I made space for my other feelings to rest too. I just felt when I needed to. I let tears and heartache come and rip through me. I didn’t hold myself together. I knew everyone around me would allow me to be a mess when it came and be quiet when it wasn’t there. I sometimes gave into the idea that ice-cream or wine would make it better but i tried not to allow myself to fill the void completely with unhealthy things that would never make me whole. I gave the pain a place but I tried not to hang out there often enough to let it start to feel like home. I kept space for my laughter and joy and love and tried to visit there often as well. I made room for the guilt and the anger and resentment but I made sure to enter that space while keeping the door open so that I could get back out. Eventually I started taking down the walls between the feelings until I was left with what I have now, a big wide space where all of these feelings are together. The pain and hurt and anger aren’t gone but we agree to live together with the joy and love and HOPE. We agree to all move forward and see what is next. It might make me a schizophrenic but at least I have peace and a sense of humor.
I can tell that the right time to try is around the bend because the fear of trying is getting louder than the fear of being empty. My intuition is telling me to try anyway and to just give the fear it’s space.
Allowing myself to feel…..everything, has gotten me to a place of hope.