and men are so different than women. I forget that sometimes. I expect Cloudy to react to things the way I do. I expect him to be comfortable with feelings, to express them and to understand and embrace them. He really doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, Cloudy is a very caring man. He is amazing and I love him.
But I am so incredibly mad at him right now. I was talking to him about blogging and how it is helping me to process my feelings about the pregnancy and baby that we lost. One of the things I mentioned was that it brings a lot of things back up for me and how when I was writing my story I was so sad about it and how since the due date I have been kind of mad about everything. I was telling him how great it is for me to have a space to put all of these feelings. He asked about the other blogs that I read and so i shared some stories with him.
He asked me if I thought that all of us talking about this stuff all the time was just feeding the monster and making us bitter and sad and keeping us from moving on and coping.
Well I really let him have it! He is just so clueless about how women deal with feelings. Part of why I do this and probably why some other women do it is that we NEED to talk about this stuff, all the time, and our husbands aren’t always available to listen and be compassionate. Also, we need to know that we aren’t alone. This is how women deal and heal. We get in circles and we talk. He doesn’t get that at all. He is a stuff it down, move on, forget it kind of guy. He is not a sharer. I don’t like it but it is who he is. He has not wanted to talk about our baby or our loss, if he’s grieving I can’t see it. I have had to bite my tongue on so many occasions so as not to push my kind of grieving on him. I have been mad that it seems like he got over it so quickly. But he has held my hand every time I cry and he listens when I tell him how angry I am, so I thought we had an understanding. I thought we agreed without agreeing that I would express my feelings and talk about them because that is is what I need. And in return I would not push him to feel feelings he can’t handle. I won’t push him to talk and he won’t push me to be quiet. So when he questioned my blogging and the blogging of other women in pain it infuriated me. It felt like he was breaking the unspoken deal, or worse, implying that I should be over it. That I should move on and not dwell in my sorrow.
Well after a few minutes of loud talking at each other he got it. He understood why I was mad and wanted to make sure that I knew that he supported me and wanted me to feel whatever I felt. And I got it, he was just worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok and could hold all the feelings of all of us (since it is something he would not be comfortable with).
For two people that speak the same language we sure misunderstand each other a lot.