It is so crazy to me that people are still asking me about the baby. For several months after the end I had people coming up to me and asking how I was feeling and how everything was going. This happened everyday!
“Hi! How are you feeling? How is the baby?”
“Um, I actually lost the baby”
“Oh no, I’m so sorry. Sorry I brought it up, I feel terrible”
“No it’s ok, thank you for remembering and thinking of me, please don’t feel bad”
“You were pretty far along weren’t you?”
It happened at the grocery store, out to dinner, at the post office! But usually it happened at yoga, at either a class I was taking or teaching. I had started telling all of my students only weeks before we got our bad news. I told them to explain the belly and why I wasn’t able to demonstrate all the poses anymore. And I told them because I care about these people and they care about me and I was excited. Right after the end when I wasn’t able to teach for 3 weeks, the woman who was subbing for me told some of my students which was nice so that I didn’t have to tell everyone when I came back. But some still don’t know!
It happened again as I was walking out of my class last night. “Oh hey! did you have your baby?” I thought for sure everyone knew by now. But no I had to go through it all over again! The weird part is that they feel bad for asking and then I feel bad that they feel bad. I mean really, it is nice that they even remembered that I was pregnant and that they care to ask. Sometimes I get mad that I end up consoling them about it. But mostly I just don’t know what to say. And depending on how close I am to the person or the timing or location of the question I give a different version of the story. Usually “I lost the baby” is all that comes out.
In fact, that is one of the reasons I decided to blog about it. I have told the story in so many variations and dilutions that I wanted my truth written and released before I myself started believing the watered down version most people have heard.
I don’t know when it will stop and I’m sure if I do get pregnant I will be leery about telling people. Some will probably even think it is the same pregnancy. All I do know is that I am kind of tired of telling the story in parking lots, and produce departments, and public bathrooms. I just want to say, Here is my baby! aren’t they beautiful!