I was reading through some of Em’s old posts when I came across this one on waiting. It reminded me just how hard the waiting is when you are stuck in and endless cycle. It’s like being on a merry-go-round, “Look kids, there goes ovulation again”, “Here comes the cramps and crankiness”, “Oohh and here we are at sad but hopeful”. Over and over and over. It’s not that great because you know what’s coming, and it’s horrible because you don’t know how many times you have to go around, listening to the same track, before the ride will end and you can dizzily and merrily step off with the prize at the end.
If that isn’t enough, now I have thrown in the use of condoms, it’s like waiting in line to get on the carousel of waiting! Oh my gosh it’s all the ups and downs of TTC, except my excitement of ovulation is immediately smacked back down with the tear of a wrapper. Poor cloudy, I stop us mid passion to practically yell that I’m ovulating and that we need to be careful and then when all is said and done I have a good cry about another golden ticket being flushed down the fallopian tubes. My mixed signals and looks of disappointment are not really helping us out in the bedroom.
Putting a TTC infertile on hold is a crazy thing to do, so why are we waiting you ask? I don’t know. Fear? Health? Timing? People in my life have gone from asking me if I’m ok to asking when we are going to try again. And my standard answer is that we are waiting until July. When I first lost the baby I wanted to try again right away but I knew my body didn’t feel right, and I think I was trying to fill the void, like if I got pregnant right away I wouldn’t have to hurt so much, yeah right! I gained 15 lbs in my 21 weeks of pregnancy and it was not budging so I wanted to try to get some of that off. I have managed to get about 10 off and I’d like to loose another 5; I’d feel even better if I lost another 10 for a total of 20. As time went on I knew I was still completely caught up in the pregnancy I wasn’t even having so I thought it best to wait until after the due date of our first little one so that I could properly process that in my internal calendar. And now here I am, only 5 lbs over where I started, and our due date has come and gone. So what am I waiting for now!? I use the excuse of waiting for longer heavier periods to make sure my uterus is happy and ready. And I use the selfish excuse of wanting to wait so that I have a spring baby so that I am not shoveling snow, chopping wood, and raising our new born in my time off from work. (Look at me acting all fertile like I can plan this type of convenient birth, ha!)
But really, I think I am scared. July is close enough that it isn’t “NEVER GOING TO BE HERE” but it is far enough that I don’t have to have the performance anxiety of putting all of my eggs into one uterine shaped basket. I don’t know which is scarier, the prospect that I will never get pregnant, or the idea that I might. After what we have been trough I know a positive pregnancy test will come with a side of trepidation. I will most likely have to manage a lot of fear and even more worry than before. Even though we were told that the tri 18 was a complete fluke and that we are not at higher risk of it happening again, I don’t think I will be able to help but fear the worst.
I don’t know when things will happen but I know that having to decide what to do every cycle was too much for me, so I picked July to have a plan and be able to relax. I like to have a plan and I know I might have to be flexible, that works for me today.