I wrote the following on April 6th. Our lost baby was scheduled to join us on lucky Friday the 13th of April.
As I write this post it has been 4 months since I lost my baby, it would be due next week actually. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be this close to having our baby. Of course as the weeks counted up I would say to myself, “today I would be 24 weeks”, “today I would be 30 weeks”. Cloudy said I have to stop doing that but I can’t. It is such an intimate part of who I am, I can’t put it out of my head. I have managed to fight the urge to look at all the baby development websites to see what would be happening each week. The weather is so beautiful right now and there are little baby animals popping up all over the country. Spring always makes me think of babies anyway and this year it has a sweet sting to it. This really is a nice time to have a baby. I can imagine staying home and feeding baby on the porch; taking baby and the dogs on long walks in the fresh air. Then, I think about if I really was having a baby next week and how completely unprepared we are for that. That’s not entirely fair because I’m sure if it were happening we would make sure we were prepared, but there is so much crap in what would be the nursery I don’t think I could even fit a small baby in there. Anyway, not too much else to say about that, just that I should be having a baby right now, and I’m not. But I am enjoying the newness that spring brings to the air. It feels as if I am coming out of the dark.