I participated in a Jyotisha (vedic astrology) teleconference on the full moon in February. If you have never heard of Katy Poole you should look her up. Seriously, this is one cool lady. Her life story is amazing and her character is beautiful. Anyway, every full moon and every new moon of the year she offers these teleconferences to talk about what is going on in the stars from a vedic perspective. They each have a focus and the one I participated in was called Making Peace with the Past. I thought this was fitting and so I signed up. You submit your birth time and location info along with a question and she then addresses everyone in the call. She starts out by just giving an overview of the stellar goings ons to set the mood. Then she goes one by one through the participants giving her best interpretations of astrological answers to your question. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I also knew I had some pretty deep questions. But she addressed them with compassion and offered me some useful insight. I gave her some background into my story in baby making and asked her how to hold the grief I have and how to move forward and heal my body since my most recent BBT chart was not so stellar.
Here are some paraphrased snippets from what she had to say.
• I am suffering from the pressure of: “will my body ever produce what it needs to produce?”
• I have a story from my past around being inadequate and broken, reiterated to me by the medical community
• Losing the baby and the medical terminology around this can make it feel like failure and adds to frustration and despair. Since this is where I am looking for my information and consolation it is being cast in a way that can only lead to me seeing it as negative
• Some souls live short lives in small bodies, it was still a life, something that I gave that is very significant to that soul
• This was not a loss or a failure, just a first experience of pregnancy and parenting
• Heal your mind (language and thoughts) to heal your body
• This isn’t about me I was just experiencing a shocking awakening
• I am a natural healer, there is healing and progress throughout my chart.
• Yes to future children! I am just experiencing an obstacle, this will not last forever
• The time to try again will come and it will work
• If science gets involved that is ok, I am part of an evolution in medicine
• Grieve but don’t submit to the story of failure and mistake
• Write it as Liberation instead of Termination, the soul was so evolved that the body it formed was all it needed
• Autobiography of a yogi: Yogananda was asked by a dying deer not to save its life. “Let me move on”
Right after the reading I wasn’t sure how to feel. Her words were so powerful and uplifting that I actually felt a little bit better. Then I felt guilty for feeling better. Did I just believe the story she was telling because it was nicer than the one I had been telling myself? I so desperately wanted to hang onto the idea that this soul only needed 5 months of life and a partial body to reach its liberation. I wanted to believe that it knew it only had a short time and wanted to be with me in that time. The story I had been telling myself and that was reinforced by the medical community was that something had gone horribly wrong. I questioned what I had done wrong. I believe in karma and I was carrying around the weight that this was somehow a karmic debt that I had to pay and that my baby paid it inadvertently as well. But after this astrologic reading with Katy I let myself consider the possibility that this child was on its own path and was evolved enough to move through this life very quickly. There is no way to know the truth. There are many many reasons this could have happened to us. It could have been a horrible mistake, it could have been just a random act of chromosomes, it could have been the plan all along. I don’t know. I waiver between believing the story that feels best, and feeling guilty for clinging to that. I do know 100% that my baby was good. I am proud of my little one and so honored to be chosen as a part of its experience. I know some of the things I do and chose to participate in are unconventional. I know they seem a little whoo hoo in the world full of blogs around assisted reproductive technology. But that is part of why I am telling my story. I hope someone can relate.