After the procedure I wasn’t able to do anything for 3 weeks. No swimming, no vacuuming, no yoga, they even said no aggressive grocery shopping. No aggressive grocery shopping? I could not lift anything over 8 lbs. Do you know how many things there are to lift in the world that are over 8 lbs? I’m a busy body, especially when I want to distract myself form horrible things. So it was hard for me to do nothing. Luckily most DVDs and trashy novels weigh less than 8 lbs.
It was a fairly mild winter because our place is a lot of work in the winter. We usually get enough snow that we have to shovel it away from the windows. There was some shoveling to do but not as much as usual. I felt horrible that I couldn’t help. We also heat with wood, no carrying in wood for me. I was actually looking forward to not having to work too hard this winter due to pregnancy, but after what happened I just felt useless.
Mostly I missed my yoga. It has gotten me through all the hard stuff the last few years and I needed it. I did do some gentle stretching and some restorative stuff but I really just wanted to be active. I didn’t teach my classes either and I missed that so much. I missed all my students but really, I couldn’t bare facing them and telling them what had happened. The owner of the studio was able to sub for me and she really helped me out by telling my students that I would be out for a few weeks because I had lost the baby.
I did go back to work right away. I got a lot of questions about this and every one said I should have taken time off. Cloudy and I work at the same place and I went back to work because he was there. I did not want to be alone, so I went, and I spent a lot of time crying in his office. Since I had told my boss a little bit about what was happening he filled I others at the office. A few people stopped in to ask how I was doing, it was too soon and I couldn’t talk to anyone without loosing it. I am glad he said something though, it would have been harder to have everyone ask about the pregnancy and have to tell everyone myself. I was able to do a little bit of work, answer a few emails, but mostly I was in a daze all day.
So I sat, and I cried. I meditated, and I screamed. I reached out to friends, and I ignored people when I couldn’t handle it. I lived through that 3 weeks. At my 3 week check everything looked great. My uterus had almost completely gone back to its original size and I was cleared for yoga and walks in the fresh air. I was also cleared to fly to go visit the in laws for Christmas.
The holidays we’re hard. Of course they were. But I lived through that too. I was so glad when 2012 rolled in because despite the cliche, it felt like a new start for us.
When we asked the docs about trying again we got a slew of responses, everything from go ahead and try right away to wait a year. We decided to play it by ear and see how I was feeling physically and how we were doing emotionally. Finally I learned that I know my body better than any doctor, I knew I wasn’t ready right away and I trusted that when I was ready I would know that too.
One day at a time.