The start of the end

I want to yell “Why do I even have this story to tell?!” Terminating my pregnancy was every bit as awful as I imagined it would be and worse. Even though I was trying to be strong for baby I couldn’t help but feel repulsed by what was happening. I woke up crying every day that week. I want to tell it as clearly as I remember. I want to help other women know what to expect.

The clinic was discrete and clean. When I arrived with my mom and husband we were the only ones there that Wednesday. First I had to fill out some paper work. The only question I remember being on there was “Do you have any conflicting feelings about having this abo.tion?” Yeah…. I left that one blank. Then I was called back, Cloudy had to stay in the waiting room while I was weighed in and was given an Aleve. Then they wanted to do an ultrasound and I asked if Cloudy could please come back. I just felt like I couldn’t do all of this alone. They normally don’t allow any men beyond the lobby, but they felt sorry for me, I think and they understood why I needed him. So one of the girls went to get him and said he could be back there as long as no other girls came in. They did the ultrasound to verify the size and in that short week since our last ultrasound the baby’s head was now measuring 2 weeks ahead of its age and the body was a week behind, this helped affirm for me that we were making the right choice. Things were going downhill fast. Since it was bigger than they expected they had to charge us more money. Nice! Anyway the only other thing the NP performing the ultrasound said was “poor baby”.

Next, they took Cloudy and I in to talk to a counselor. She was very nice and answered all of our questions, expressed her condolences and explained what our next three days would entail. She also told us about a study that was being conducted to help women get a trisomy 18 diagnosis much earlier in pregnancy. Like, first trimester early. We agreed to participate in the study and had to donate blood samples from me, Cloudy and the baby. We wanted to do anything that would keep another couple from going through this.

Finally they inserted the laminaria. I had three put in the first day. Actually getting them in was weird and slightly uncomfortable but not super painful. I only cramped on the last one, it did hurt but not for very long. When I sat up I got really really hot. I felt like I had a fever, my body was already pissed. They gave me another Aleve (they love that stuff there) and told me to take tylonol if I still felt hot in an hour. I was also given some vicodin to take with me and was advised to take it if I needed it. As soon as I got into the car I started to get more and more uncomfortable. The best way I can describe it is, warm and painful like cramps but in your who ha. As the night went on it got worse and worse, eventually my whole body was rejecting this idea. I was sore and crampy all over. My hips and legs felt the worst. It was uncomfortable to hold any one position for too long. So I was just walking around my mom’s place and doing some yoga stretching to try to keep the pain manageable. My mom and Cloudy would rub my back and legs for me and kept suggesting I take the vicodin. I’m not sure why I was so against it other than I had never taken pain pills before and I was afraid of them. Finally I gave in and took the pill. In about 20 min I was able to sit down and eat and talk. I felt SO much better. I don’t’ know why I was fighting it. I think part of me felt like I should experience the pain of my decision. I don’t think this way now, the process is hard enough physically and emotionally that I think any woman going though it should do whatever she can to get through it and be even remotely comfortable.

Thursday was the same process all over again x100. Having the old laminaria taken out is so weird feeling. I don’t know how else to put it, it is awkward and so so weird. I hated that. Then they had to put more back in to keep my cervix opening up. They put 3 in on Wednesday and they had to get 10 in on Thursday. It seemed to take forever and after the first 4 the rest all caused crazy cramping when they went in. Luckily it wasn’t even questioned when Cloudy came in with me and held my hand the whole time. The Aleve I had been given and the vicodin I took before I even got there were not doing a thing for me. I was sent back home for another day of sitting on the couch and hating my life. My dad flew in that day and came to have dinner with us. I could tell he was worried about me, it meant so much to me to have him there. He has a history of being around for the fun stuff and avoiding the hard stuff. They kept promising me that the first two days were the worst and the procedure day would be fine, quick and painless. I had my doubts.


2 thoughts on “The start of the end

  1. I can hear the pain in your every word… such a nightmare that you had to go through. I can remember not wanting pain meds, even though we knew Gabrielle had already passed away… I resisted too then had to take some. My heart breaks for you xo

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