Now what?

Since it was thanksgiving week we were able to leave two days after our news and go spend the holiday with my mom and my best friend. I’m glad about the timing in this. I didn’t want the news to ruin our holiday but I really needed my people. So I was given some time with friends and family and a little more time to love and carry our baby. That Wednesday night the doctor called and told us that the FISH results did show positive for trisomy 18. She told us that we would have the full genetic profile soon but that she had never had the results be different from the FISH, she was confident that we could move forward and decide what we wanted to do about the tri 18 diagnosis. She talked us through our options again describing that we could terminate with a D&E, terminate with induced labor, or carry the baby and receive weekly monitoring incase the baby died at which point if it was after 24 weeks they would have to induce labor, or we could try to carry to term if the baby lived that long but said the baby would likely not live to leave the hospital with us. She gave us her personal cell number so that we could ask her any questions that came up for us.

One of the cruelest parts of this whole experience was having to decide what to do about the information we were given. The thought of going in weekly to see if our baby was dead was awful, and really, I did not want to continue to bond with a baby I couldn’t have and I didn’t want to have to explain to everyone that was excited to talk to me about my pregnancy. I also did not know what the baby could feel but was certain it would eventually suffer based on the abnormalities already existing. If we chose to have labor induced and deliver the baby we could see it and hold it only to leave it at the hospital. Let me just tell you, making this decision makes you want to scream and throw up and lie in a puddle of tears. It does not come easy and no option feels right. It was so very important and helpful to have the support and blessings of our friends and family. One thing that was so great was that Cloudy and I were on the same page in this decision making process. We wanted to prevent any possible suffering for our child and we wanted to minimize any risks to my reproductive health for our future children. Cloudy and I agreed that terminating the pregnancy was best for our baby. We did not come to this decision lightly and our hearts are still aching. After many discussions with medical doctors and searching our own hearts we decided to schedule a D&E for the week following thanksgiving. Having the love of everyone around us helped us to stand behind our decision. It was an impossible call to make and even though we feel we did the right thing it will never feel good to us. Our decision was based on love and doing what we thought was right for our child even if that meant some pain and struggle on our part. I don’t think it’s something anyone should have to go through, and I don’t think anyone can say what the right thing to do is unless faced with it themselves. I did the best I could to stay positive and strong until the end so that I could provide a happy and loving home for baby as long as possible. I talked and sang to our little one and explained what was happening and how sorry we were. I told our baby thousands of times a day that it was loved and we were grateful for its life. One thing I do know is that our baby was loved and wanted every day of its growing life and will be remembered as a part of us. It only knew love and joy from us and everyone in our lives.

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5 thoughts on “Now what?

  1. Wow. You are such an inspiration to share your story. I don’t know if I would have the strength. I am so sorry for your loss. Don’t let anyone tell you you made the wrong decision, it’s your baby. You made a decision with love. I hope I am close to reading a happy beginning for you 🙂 I’ll be praying!

  2. My heart breaks for you and the decision you faced… you’re right – no-one should ever have to face this decision… so hard to even think about. Your words about talking with your little one brought me to tears… I wish your time together was longer and not entwined with so much heartache. thinking of you xo

  3. I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through this. You made a decision as full of love as it could possibly be, however much pain it caused you, even though it was a decision nobody should ever have to make. It was a gift of love to your child.

    Have you read Marwil’s blog? She and her husband were in a similar situation. http://marwil.org/

  4. It is such a heartbreaking decision, no one can really understand the pain of it unless you have been there. I’m so glad you were on the same page, that is really important. And it’s nothing you wanted but the odds given it’s the one you go for and that takes a lot of courage and strenght.
    I had the similar feelings, to bond further with a baby that you know will die when being born was even more painful if possible. Everyone’s circumstances are different and you got to do what feels ‘best’ for yourself. It’s a struggle.

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