I think that yoga is responsible for me walking out of the RE’s office without prescription in hand. Yoga introduced me to my body, and before I ever had a practice I just didn’t know it at all. If I could handle how I was feeling then I mostly ignored my body and if I couldn’t, I went to doctors and drank their kool-aid. Yoga is so warm and kind, after your first few classes it says “there, doesn’t that feel nice?” Then it slowly starts to show you how you really feel. For me it was like yoga turned on the light and said Sunshine, this is your body; it’s made up of parts, and those parts are made up of other parts and everything works together to get you around in this world. The more I went to yoga the more I learned about my body. The more I paid attention to my breath, the more I could feel the subtleties of how I was really feeling. I started noticing how not only yoga but all physical activities made me feel. I started to notice what was happening inside when I deprived myself of sleep. I started to feel a difference when I ate nutritionally dense food instead of making my body run on processed garbage. Yoga slowly gave me a real sense of this body that I was living in. With every asana and every breath I was studying and learning more than just what the anatomy and physiology text books had to say about life. I developed a true fascination and respect for life and the body I was in. The more yoga taught me the more I wanted to learn about my body. It gave me the ability to know that the hormones and drugs I was being offered were not the answer to my fertile healing. So I said no thank you. I confidently stated that I was happy to have learned a little more about what was going on in my body and that I would be taking that knowledge and finding some help with natural healing. I do not think that my RE has bad intentions. I do believe that he wants to help women and couples have happy healthy families. I believe he has a vast knowledge of the human body and the means to get the results he is after. I just don’t believe that results are enough when there is an opportunity for real lasting healing and health, especially when we are talking about creating life. I knew that if I was planning on bringing a baby into this world that I wanted the womb it grew in to be the most healthy, nourishing place it could be. So, with his best of intentions the RE was slightly offended that I did not want to proceed with his treatment and I think he was concerned. I think that doctors that don’t understand other modes of healing worry that their patients will run off and get tricked into all kinds of marketing schemes and snake oil. And I think that that does happen. So I’m sure the RE was just worried about me when I left and he said. “Go try whatever you want, but you’ll be back and you’ll still have those cysts and no baby. Nothing can change your body; you need to take medication to ovulate. When you are serious come back and I will help you.”
I wanted a baby and I wanted one bad, and that makes it hard to wait. It makes the idea of “take a couple of pills to ovulate and get pregnant already” pretty tempting. And when I first had the diagnosis that something was wrong and this was going to be hard, I wanted to be angry and sad and just let someone take over and fix this for me. But as most of the women blogging about fertility can attest to, it is never just a couple of pills and then easy peasy you are knocked up. At a minimum, I wanted to make an informed choice about my treatment instead of trusting someone who had only known my body for a mere 20 minutes. So I came home and looked into my condition and my options. I researched PCOS and clomid and glocophage. I read about IUI and IVF and donor eggs and surrogates. I spent countless hours scouring the google, reading books from the library and the local bookstore. I went to the local women’s healing center and asked for resources. But I think most importantly I read the stories of other women. I read about real women who have been up and down every path and have read all of the things that I have and more. Women who have put their bodies and lives and relationships through hell in the name of the children they would give anything for. And I was scared. Scared that I wasn’t tough enough to go through all the things that others have gone through; scared that I wouldn’t be able to afford fertility treatments, scared that all of this would destroy my body and my marriage, scared that if I did it at the cost of my own health and sanity and it worked that I wouldn’t have anything left to care for a child. So I decided not to rush. I decided to keep doing yoga and to research other modes of healing that might be able to help me. I decided to start with supporting my body and making my treatment something that left me feeling good and strong and not something I would have to endure. I know that most women do choose to work with their doctors and go as far as they have to for their pregnancies. I am humbled by the women who have gone down this road, infertility is not for the weak. I have so much respect for all mothers, those that have their children and those that are still doing everything they can to meet them. And I think women, regardless of their fertility status or motherhood status deserves a “don’t mess with me” bumper sticker. I know how these things work and I know I will get some comments about my choices and I welcome that. I also try not to play the game of knowing righteously what is and isn’t a good decision. And since I am still on the path to my sweet babies I don’t know what I will face or how I will get there. But for now, I can say that drugs, shots, hormones, IUI and IVF are not for me.